Today is my first day sober after on and off sobriety since 2016. I started drinking during my divorce, which came right before the pandemic, and now my drinking is out of control. I can stop drinking for months and then one day I’ll have just a glass. Then a few days later more, then eventually I just drink a whole bottle of wine. During these times, I’ve blacked out and yelled at my new partner of just 2 years. When he shares later about what I’ve said, it sounds like I had become consumed by rage or anger about my ex-husband or I will start repeating phrases and be harsh with my words like my verbally and physically abusive mother was/still is. When I am sober, I can manage my feelings well with meditation, journaling, therapy etc, but drinking takes my “emotional toolbox” away and it all spills out. I now worry I may lose my relationship over my behavior.
It might be because you never found a way to healthy let out all that from your mom. I went through the same my dad is also very verbally and physically abusive and I was pretty much trained to sit there and take it not to stand up for yourself cause it's disrespectful and when it comes to other people I'd still let it happen cause I was scared all the time of getting in trouble. Until I started using and drinking I'd turn into Tupac not knowing I was subconsciously letting all that out on whoever looked at me sideways. Im a sweetheart wouldn't hurt a fly when I'm sober. I don't even think about working on stuff like that cause I'm sober. Idk at least for me..like Ive been playing guitar for 20 years but I'll like stop completely. I haven't in played in 8 months not once till a month ago I put ALL of the stuff I just went through, rehab, jail, breakups, family problems, and blew th e roof off. motherfuckers feel it. I let Tupac play guitar if that makes sence lol? I get butterflies again when I turn on my amp on. The person you turn into when your smashed is always going to be there. Gotta let her do her thing somehow. If that makes any sense? Lol
I went to therapy for months before it became clear as to why I abused alcohol. My hubby will occasionally drink and if he gets ‘stupid’ I tell him that “I’m not talking to whiskey right now, I’d like to talk to you tomorrow”. He’ll get irritated but he knows I’m right. Get a journal or if your able talk to someone. I was never a big drinker til something bad happened to me,,, then BOOM! You deserve to feel safe and worthy but find out the why? Maybe? You got this..
I can relate so much to this . I am the nice gal/people pleaser until I’m the drunk asshole. I also had no voice growing up in a verbally abusive home and then later in a verbally abusive marriage. I’m told that I’m a great communicator , until I’m drunk . I totally relate to losing all the tools when the alcohol takes over . I have spent years in therapy talking about the things that make me sad or depressed but never dealt with the actual anger and disappointment. I think it boils over when we numb with alcohol.
Exactly!!