Today marks day 20 and to make short story short physically I feel good, sleeping better and I’ve managed to lose a few pounds. My biggest issue right now in early sobriety is I cannot fathom that I had something good with someone and once again let alcohol destroy it. It seems despite getting sober my mind is still hooked on this. I never got to see this person again after the black out drunken madness and every time we spoke on the phone afterwards I was either buzzed or intoxicated so talk about digging yourself a deeper hole. I know what sober me is capable of but having to accept the fact that I f***** up so badly and never got a face to face closure is devastating. I’m in this position right now because of my drinking and I am truly committed and excited about a life without substance abuse but dang is it tough to know you lost someone good and despite your best efforts and the greatness they saw in you…your demons and alcoholism won in the end and that person has moved on. Picking up the broken pieces of your mistakes and over apologizing can look like desperation and obsession…even for the confident strong individuals. You have this dark cloud of shame and regret and all fingers point back to one thing that got you here. Your Drinking and awfully poor choices.
