I am ending a 4 day relapse tonight after 2 months of sobriety. I admit, though, that I don’t feel at all like I expected.
I’m a substance use therapist that is pretty well versed in the relapse process and I thought I knew exactly what was going to happen afterwards–I’d feel guilty and shameful. As strange as it may be, I don’t feel those in the front of my mind (yet). Instead, I feel an absolutely consuming and overwhelming sense of sadness. This horrible feeling took hold of me as my last use wore off and it took over quickly. It feels like a knife to my throat.
I was really caught off guard by how profoundly sad I feel. It is a dark room with no light switch it feels like–it is painfully lonely. I know how important a circle of support is-I preach this daily. But I find myself alone at most times. I tried NA for a little while and have accepted that it doesn’t really resonate with me for a variety of reasons (I know that it is wonderful for many and don’t need to be convinced–I am okay with the realization). I didn’t feel connected mostly due to the framework, and when I didn’t feel connected I felt absolute devastation because I realized how blindly I had expected my problems to solve themselves. I know better, and I opened the door and walked straight into the trap with intention regardless.
This is my attempt at pushing my desire to sit in this aloneness away. I was hoping someone woul dhave some suggestions about ways to connect with others outside of AA/NA specific things. I crave the social connection and support and feel entirely lost in the ocean of hopelessness. I know logically that my feelings right now (and their intensity) are distorted but can’t seem to find the ability to reframe them in ways that I believe.
Lots of rambling without much profound meaning, but maybe writing it out will help me eject some of this energy. Thank you for reading.
