I am filled with fear about my future. Too many problems and too much destruction and too much loss has occurred. It's like some sort of chaotic pattern I feel completely out of control of preventing. My drinking alcohol used to encourage this chaos, but once I stopped and got my life on track, the chaos didnt, even though my friends, job, habits, and location changed.
It scares me everytime I get motivated to think of the future and take steps towards the future I envision for myself again.
I did this before both times in sobriety and my life took turns for the worse. Its incomprehensible to me in a logical sense and emotional painful like a vortex pit inside of my chest and stomach giving me soo much doubt, anxiety, fear, apprehension.
Sort of like getting that momentum to try, that good feeling I remember always getting before diving into a nice thought and then an action to follow to set my life into a great motion to a bright future - then BAM! The memories of my life falling apart repeatedly pops up in my mind, my heart center, my stomach / gut.
It weakens me. It brings about a lot of emotional pain and mental anguish. I pray everyday and try to find inspiration in all that I can to stay positive. But it wanes on me every. single. day.
My faith is shaken to its core. I try to remain open to the loving energy of this world but I am riddled with hopelessness. It is very tough. But i dont have any other choice than to keep going. Unless there is a miracle that shifts it all.
you are worth it.you sober friend