Ugh! For the last couple weeks the old me is clawing and screaming to be let loose and I’m struggling hardcore. I can’t shake these super sad, depressed feelings.
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That is the demon in its death throes… keep doing the next right thing and you can beat it. I don’t know how long you have been clean, but if you are not in a program I would recommend it. The community of AA saved me and helped me put my demons down !
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Tim is right. Those are your personality defects creeping up. Some ppl refer to that as your “shadow”, meaning these defects are always going to be with you. In my opinion, the trick is to acquire as man tools as possible to help keep your “shadow” as far away as possible. Then it becomes easier, and you grow more efficient spotting those defects as they come back. It’s a perpetual battle, my friend. But you got this Jenn!
These demons are that of the worst kinds. The happiness soul sucking f@&$@&s! A life long war….
Maybe a lifetime war, but the battles we fight get easier as time goes on. Keep up the fight!
Yes that’s the way my alcoholic brain gets in a few hours of sleep I especially get negative thoughts and attitudes in the winter. Seasonal Asshat Disorder is my name for it!
Hang in there! Journaling has helped me so much during painful times and times of discomfort and anxiety.
I’m 66 days and was struggling for a good while, but things are leveling out more and more. Just remind yourself this is temporary and distract yourself with positive activity and keep pushing forward.
There’s something in the old way we used to do things that is begging to be expressed, but it is up to our new selves to discover healthy ways to express those old ways so that we can let them go. That big bad wolf is hiding in all of us, trying to keep a cover on all the things we don’t want others to see out of shame, guilt and fear: that wolf is hungry and afraid, and until you deal with it, it’ll constantly paw at you until it gets something to eat.
For me, I used to love being in an energetic area and getting into fights, so now I workout with a Jiu Jitsu practitioner and burn off a lot of that aggression: not the exact same thing, but it’s not the form of something that’s important and relevant to our emotions, but the nature of a thing. I used to love yelling and partying, so now I do sober karaoke with close friends. And I used to enjoy frivolous relations, so I took up dance lessons instead and dance with strangers. There’s something out there for you as a physical activity that has the same element of the things you used to do, but it’s something that is a healthy form of stress relief; you just have to search your mind and emotions and find that new medium to resolve that inner conflict.
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My inner conflict right now is so terribly heartbreaking. Either way I’ll lose and be the POS junkie. Either choice I make effects my close family. Either way I’ll lose.
So, confused here; do you mean your inner conflict is to use, or is it something you don’t feel comfortable sharing that you feel like using to avoid processing that inner conflict? Ultimately, we will all eventually have choices come down to us vs. the world (or at least feel like it). Don’t decode on whether you would gain or lose, or whether your family would be okay or not, but whichever noice would keep you sober. I’m sorry I can’t provide better advice, but I’m having trouble understanding the context of your inner conflict. Whatever it is, it sounds like it’s very difficult for you, and I hope you come out on the better side of it all.
My inner conflict has me in turmoil and that makes me want to use.
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