After the loss of my family, my job, my gallery / music venue, my personal possessions, my friendships, my romantic relationship, and my house - I lost my confidence in the world around me - I simply don't feel like trying anymore.
Coming from myself, a once extremely ambitious & optimistic go-getter, I can barely stand my own mentality right now.
My life feels empty and devoid of anything that truly makes me excited or happy.
My old mentality that landed me all the things above that I lost was this:
Don't waste any more time. Work towards my aspirations, and I will reach my goals. Trust others the way I trust myself. Everyone starts at 100% trust. Give myself things to look forward to and things to be excited about. Follow a healthy regiment. Be friendly and giving towards others. My kindness will be reciprocated. Don't fret about the past because I can't change it. Don't grieve about anything because I have no control over whether or not it will come back. I've done all I can to be the best person I can be every day, and that's good enough. One foot in front of the other.
This was the mentality that I needed to remind myself every day to achieve the things I did.
Me being an alcoholic / addict with a long history of abuse and violence towards me, it took 8 long and lonely years to achieve this with minimal support and encouragement.
So not only am I mourning the loss of all things I listed above, but I am also too afraid to bring that person I worked so hard to become back to life because I dont want to rebuild a life I love only to have it ripped out from my hands again.
All signs point to me not being able to control my own fate & destiny, so why would I bother working towards what I want if the powers that be have a different plan for me?