Been having up and down days. Ones where I want to be alone and ones where I want to come out and show who I am. Still trying to figure out who I really am and what I want. I find myself being on the surface when I talk to people and then later reflecting on how I wanted more out of it. It's been hard.for me to allow myself to find happiness and connection. I don't allow myself true pleasure and restrict any form of attachment. It sounds so cruel that I do this to myself. To keep happiness at an arms length away. Asking myself if I deserved what I've been through. Trying to analyze my defects . Trying to solve everything without understanding.
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I feel you girl your words really hit home 
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Totally get that. I also try really hard to think my way through feeling. I’m going to guess quite a few of us are like that and have used substances to help pop over to the feeling side of things. It’s tricky!
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