I dont normally feel sorry for myself on valentines day but today i am. It seems like every little thing is a reminder of what i should have, what i desire, what i am lacking, or what i once had and lost.
I am not used to a slow bounce back, but i feel depleted of that spark that used to sustain me and keep my mind and spirit in a place of hopefulness.
My brain keeps repeating that at my age i should have so much more than what I do have.
I made a gratitude list and it isnt helping. Everyday i pray for god to remove my self-pity.
I remember this feeling years ago, i was jealous of people who had more than I did, it would come and go. I remember belittling people i was so close to because i was miserable that i was being neglected in ways i wanted to be loved, taken care of, and cherished.
This feeling contributed to my alcoholism and drug use. Then the belittlement of others and wrongdoings I did to fill this hole inside of me filled with me with shame, regret, dishonesty, fear, guilt, and erratic - destructive behaviors.
My securities multipled and i needed drugs and alcohol to allow me to "be myself" when all it did was bury these feelings, numb me, and freed my inhibitions which were not even truly mine, but exaggerated repressed expressions.
I am 4 years and 8 months without alcohol, i felt more whole the first 2 years of sobriety. I have been through a lot of hardship since then so it isnt a surprise i am not progressing the way i hoped i would in recovery.
I can hear in my mind the celebratory occasions and loving exchanges i know others are having in life, and i feel like a failure for being in this position.
I deserve better and I went for it, i got it and i lost it again. I am discouraged and i feel helpless.
I go to AA meetings almost everyday, i pray everyday, i go to individual therapy and group therapy once a week, i do daily mantras and affirmations, i go to the gym, and i write a daily inventory of my assets and liabilities for the day. I also make gratitude lists. I am doing all the things I was told to do and probably more. My spirit knows it needs to see results of my efforts. Without it, i feel stagnant.
They say in AA "stay until the miracle happens" so i am sticking it out.
I am grateful i have this app to share my feelings and thoughts.