I’m at a complete loss at the moment. I just feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Thankfully, I haven’t done anything. But I’m scared because I feel like I’m gonna do something permanent. The past two days I’ve noticed that in the past when I was using it actually prevented me from killing myself. My depression and my BPD symptoms are just getting so exasperated. Im Nervous that it’s gonna get worse and I’m gonna start up my psychotic like symptoms and I really don’t want that to happen. I’m trying to stay on my a game. I’m trying to talk to others. It’s just been incredibly hard to even reach out to anyone other than my partner and Therapist. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t wanna go to the hospital. It also doesn’t help that I want to use so badly. I’m trying to remind myself. It’s OK to feel and think the way I do, but I don’t have to act on it. I thought I was gonna slip up yesterday and I didn’t thankfully. I know all of this is just temporary. But because it’s so intense it feels like it’s for eternity.
I totally understand. Please know your not alone. I'm at the end of my rope too. It will get better. It always does.
Hello Get to some meetings and talk with a sponsor. We all are here for you. Feel free to add and message me anytime
Don’t get me wrong I have tried to talk to my sponsor. I didn’t really get that much. I’m going to my meetings, but it’s not really doing anything if anything it just seems like it’s making it harder for me.
Go to a meeting call your sponsor or you could call me just don’t unleash that deamon. Put a face to your addiction what ever they are I have several different types of pills my doctor in early 2000’s prescribe me oxytocin and Xanax’s my addiction grew worse I got more pills from different doctors before everything wasn’t regulated like it is now.
I totally understand how you feel, I also have BPD and depression and some days are harder than others. But try to stay positive and things will get better. You deserve to have a long and happy life. Are you on meds and are they helping? Maybe it's time to switch it up cuz I found that meds that once worked may not work anymore once your start ageing. If u ever wanna chat feel free to add me and msg me. 
hope you feel better 
Rachel, breathe and know that you are ok. You are not alone. I have felt like you many times in early sobriety and even sporadic times throughout. It’s my dis-ease, my addict mind, ego that tortured me. But it passes as I use the tools of the program.
Do you have a sponsor and are you working the 12 steps? I didn’t get the strength and relief until I did the 12 steps thoroughly several times. Then liberation! 
I’m here if you want to talk.
Hang in there, as you have already said that in times the feelings usually pass. When I was doing everything my sponsor said and teaching out to others at meetings and I felt the way you are feeling, I decided to get myself some hobbies. There are a lot of different things you can try doing until you find the right one.When I found a couple of hobbies I liked it really helped me fill the time and take me out of my head space because I enjoyed what I am doing and then I actually would forget all about the disturbing thoughts that were going through my head. I don't know if this will help you like it has me but I'm sharing my experience with you hoping to give you some comfort away from your misery.Good luck and have faith. You are stronger than you think. You can get through this if you keep up with your faith and prayers
It will absolutely get better
Keep pushing through! These thoughts and urges are very difficult, I know, I'm in the same position right now. Ive been doing 30 and 30 talking to certain people, but I'm still craving afterwards 
So far I haven't acted. I understand 
%. We know the results tho if we do pick up. Right? Push through that door and Ride The Wave out! You can message me anytime also. Or anyone on here!
If talking to your sponsor is not working for you maybe she is not the right one for you, even though it may not feel like your getting anywhere or making you feel worse, there is a Brite side to it, your not using to mask it. Continue keeping your head held high
Rachel, check into Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) - it was designed for BPD people, works great with addiction too - it literally saved my life - I did attempt to take my life over 2 years ago but I decided to do everything the doctors told me to do and DBT was one of them - it gave me the tools to regulate my emotions and the addiction has taken a back seat - I don’t even have cravings any more - thank God!!!! You can get through this - I know how hard it is with Borderline
If you’re not getting what you need from your sponsor. Many people just can’t deal with mental illness. Plus a sponsor’s job is to guide you through the program. You need to reach out to your therapist. If you’re on meds, without the alcohol they probably need to be readjusted. A hospital visit is your best solution at this point.
Glad that you are here,
Tracy.
Love your compassionate response offering practical solutions.
Rachel, as noted-
You are definitely not alone.
And you are right,
Everything truly is temporary.
While right,
Life can feel so intense!