I am sick and tired of all the deception and unease in my life. It's making me feel helpless, which is causing me to feel angry. Not a happy recovery so far. It's been gruesome.
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Happy to chat!
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I find anger to be an energy suck that only threatens my recovery..
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Stick with it! It gets better
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@xandra159988 PLEASE Don't take this the wrong way. You're 1806 days sober. I 
CONGRATULATE you for that however look back at the number of years you drank and/or used and compare the two.
With hope and working the required steps for recovery it's going to take you that amount of time to get fully centered.
Yes, you will have to go through the ugly if not gruesome (as you say) to get to the stage of being happy, joyous and free.
I would not say this if it were not true. With 37+ years of sobriety I've experienced it all thus what I say is true. I will not 
you.
I will paraphrase it like this..
Our program is meant to be suggestive only. We realize
we know only a little. God will constantly disclose
more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning medi-
tation what you can do each day for the man or woman who is
still sick. The answers will come, if your own house
is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit some-
thing you haven’t got. See to it that your relationship
with Him is right, and great events will come to pass
for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact
for us.
Abandon yourself to God as you understand God.
Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear
away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what
you find and join us. We shall be with you in the
Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet
some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.
May God bless you and keep you—until then.
I wish you luck.
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