A poem i wrote just a bit ago. It’s probably one my favorites for describing what addiction felt like for me. I hope it may resonate with others
You called me home with hands that shook like mine, sweet-talking ruin in a velvet tone, promising silence when the world got too loud. I crawled back to you again, again each time thinking maybe this time, you’ll keep me whole. But you never did. You painted my pain in gold, said the cracks in my soul made me worthy, said, Don’t you see? I’m the only one who knows how to love you like this. You weren’t wrong. You knew just where to touch. Just how deep to cut. I gave you everything. Time. Trust. Teeth. The taste of joy. My name. You took it all and whispered, You’re nothing without me. And I believed you. Because I was tired. Because I was small. Because part of me wanted to bleed if it meant I didn’t have to feel. You waited in the garden of my mind, like some damned messiah of oblivion, promising peace at the price of annihilation. And still, I came. But now I see you. Not a god. Not a lover. Not a savior. Just a shadow dressed in need, a hunger that grew a voice and learned my name. You hurt me. You held me. You hollowed me out and made me think that was love. But listen I forgive you. Not because you deserve it. But because I do. I lay you down now, in that lonely garden, and walk away with blood on my hands, but breathe in my lungs. I am not yours anymore. And that is grace.