Waking up after losing 30 days sober last night…

Recovery
#1

Yesterday I hit my first true 30 days sober, clean and clear maybe in my life.

I felt really good about myself. I was proud of it.

Around 1:30 this am, I woke up out of a dream where I remembered where I had stashed some stuff in the attic a very long time ago. I woke my wife up telling her I heard a noise in the attic. Went down stairs, got a flashlight, went back up to the attic, went to the attic moved boxes, found 2 baggies with enough after scraping for a line.

Went to sleep.
When I woke up around 530, wife was already awake and asked for a test, I didn't even argue and when she asked what she would find when we started, I asked if it was that obvious.

Looking at my self in the mirror, it was that obvious.

in the past I've chalked these up to being slips, and didn't take them as more than bumps in the road. I need your help to focus on that blackout moment. I don't feel safe. Both of my last uses have been exactly like this. If you could give some thought before tonight, I'd appreciate it.

I thought I was doing well. I thought I had turned a corner. A new job, my daughter is talking to me before she left for school. Wife and I went have been civil to each other.

Trying very hard to stay centered this am and not beat myself up too much, while still using the pain of disappointment as a tool for the future.

That’s all I got.

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#2

Addiction in any of its forms is cunning, baffling, and powerful. It can lead us to do absolutely ridiculous things for the sake of a drug or a drink. And I know for me, my dreamscape can sometimes be massively unsettling.

You made a choice last night. You woke up your wife to cover your actions. You could have woke her up and asked for help. That is the unmanageablility of this disease, when we have a better option but we choose the addiction. I have certainly been there, more times then I care to remember. Many of us have.

You cannot change what happened last night. What you can do is learn from it and use it as a reminder to make a different decision going forward.

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#3

Thank you TJ - it’s all about that moment - why didn’t I ask her for help rather than do what I did? That’s what I have been working on and trying to figure out. I’ve got those impulses down quite a bit, but they still happen. I have no problem reaching out for help, I’ve done it a 1000 times in the past, why did I fail this time ?? How do I prevent

#4

You did what you did because that is what you know. That's the darn disease.

Perhaps the greatest challenge in sobriety is changing our thinking. Not allowing the disease to drive our thoughts and actions but to insert a pause between thought and action. In that pause, hopefully we learn to question what is driving us so we can make a different decision.

I wish I could offer you a simple answer and I would if I could. But changing the way we think and act is not simple. It takes time, courage, faith, and help.

Maintaining our addiction is the easier, softer way. Sobriety is work, hard work. But the rewards are worth it.

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#5

Thanks man - I’m not looking for a simple answer - I’ve been doing this a long time. For me to put together 30 days was a huge milestone - all I can do is build on that. One of the things I did differently this time is instead of saying f-it was reach out here.
So, 10000 ways not to make a lightbulb, one day I’ll figure out how to make the lightbulb go on for me ..

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#6

This is good discussion. I never reach out to my wife, I don’t want her to have to deal with my problem; however, knowing her, she would certainly want to be there for me. She knows I’m an alcoholic and can’t drink and she doesn’t drink.

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#7

It's called believing the big lie. The big lie tells us that this time everything will be okay. But it never is is it? You have to learn to play the scene all the way forward. You might feel relieved for a short time but it never lasts. When you wake up, now you have more guilt to carry around with you because you know that you accomplished nothing and now you have to start all over again. When it comes to addiction whether it be alcohol or other drugs we have to learn to react.

When you get that urge to use you should already have some phone numbers in your phone list that you can call. You need to have people in your life that will be there to support you during those times of urgency.

If you want to stay clean and sober you're going to have to get to that place where you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and you are willing to do what is suggested to stay clean and sober.

There's one important point that I want to make. Relapse doesn't start when we pick up the drink or drug. Relapse starts long before that. Even though you were trying to make good decisions in your life something was missing in your game plan.

You should get phone numbers of people you can trust and you should pick up that 1,000 lb phone and call people everyday. You should also be going to meetings if not every day at least a few times a week. You were only sober for one month and that is really just getting started. In all honesty you should be going to nighty meetings in 90 days.

Meeting makers make it.

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#8

Thank you Dave! Agreed on every thing you have said.

Relapse starts with emotional, the mental well before the physical act.

This one was different for me as it happened almost subconsciously. I dreamed about it.
I’ve been doing my 90 in 90 and did 2 today.
Thank you for your words of wisdom and support. :pray::pray:

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