This morning I woke up at 4 am and had trouble falling back to sleep. This is not new to me. I have had this happen throughout my adult life.
But the difference I noticed this morning, was that the thoughts in my mind were largely positive. Optimistic. Long term and short term, I laid in bed half dreaming of all good things. Silly stuff like my 10 year old daughter’s first car. Short term stuff like softball this weekend and work on Sunday. All the opportunities of this job I’m interviewing for. The visit next week from my dad, brother and nephews.
It struck me how different it was from the turmoil of fear and dread. Resentment and envy. Self pity and entitlement. I used to just lay there, tossing and turning, focusing on all the ways I perceived life had done me wrong. And I remember that so vividly from having done it for so long. Today was a refreshing change and I got up feeling great instead of beat up and exhausted.
I attribute this 100% to recovery and step work. Letting go of resentment and cleaning up my past gave me peace of mind. Quitting is just the first part of the journey to healing.