I can't reply to my post because the app is weird about seeing what im typing if it gets too lengthy. Not sure if its because i have an old android or if its the android version of the app itself.
So things i can say is that. I was always a problematic drinker. Even after having alcohol poisoning twice it still never clicked. I didnt drink daily and never thought my weekend binging was a problem.
I did however marry someone who was a non drinker because i knew i got put of control. We separated and he is now in prison. He protected me from myself. He wasnt a great guy though. My drinking luckily wasnt the reason we split. After having my son however i thought i could drink here and there. And i did it was like a normal person.
But after life abd more tragedy struck and i never really knew how to live life on my own being solely responsible for things. Combined with health issues i just crumbled and lost my fight.
I did try rehab last year.... but that didn't work at the end of the day they werent working with me on medicine i took at a certain time of the day, night time for true chronic insomnia. I had to leave. They saw me as a number and not as an individual with specific requirements. I had to leave. I was told it wouldnt cost me anything. Well i have 30,000 bill for the 6 days i stayed. I then did iop and meetings. I got overwhelmed and my car broke down so i couldnt work. Then issues with my then boyfriend. He was supporting me. He also was abusive. So i needed out. And i got out... but not because i was strong enough but because of a whole other thing. I was sober at the time.
I needed help fast, so a friend moved in. And unfortunately he enabled me. He left also... when i tried getting over my ex by dating despite him saying we were just friends he clearly wanted more.
I was then left completely destitute. I had to sell myself for money...and with that came drinking.
The only reason that stopped is because of my current boyfriend. Yes im codependent. My boyfriend is a drinking. We had many conversations about being sober but it didnt happen. He saw finally how bad i was this past week and the toll it was taking on me. We didnt break up and hes agreed to not drink. I dont think hes ever tried to quit before. So this will be interesting.
I do have a job that knows my struggle. This is just kind of a summary of me getting sober and the type of drinker i was. I was not just a binger it moved to daily last year. Luckily i realized that was really bad. So i didnt have to detox. But now after binging for months maybe 4/5 months. My body and brain are definitely struggling to feel good without a drink. I had to drink one beer yesterday to get by and not feel disgusting. Today I've had none. I haven't made it to work yet. I also didn't sleep last night thanks to having caffeine too late.
Today marks officially the first day without a drink. Im overwhelmed with how badly ive ignored so many responsibilities.
This weekend we have a kids bday party but im pretty sure there will be alcohol there. It will be difficult. But my boyfriend is not drinking with me either. This will help. I know if i touch a drink this weekend will be a make it or break it moment.
I have already had my brain tell me just to have a veer every morning to help with the withdrawal which is mostly mental anguish. I wont buy it. But my darn brain is telling me that i need one beer to get by. Im not listening i am acknowledging however that this really reallly means i am in fact an alcoholic.
Thanks for reading. Im sorry its so long.
