Was day three now day zero I guess. I woke up today feeling anxious, as I do a lot of days, some days I just wake up hungover trying to recover for work. Others I just feel pure anxiety haha. Idk it’s definitely not easy with the thinking we have contributed to our disease. Today I think was going on day three of sobriety and it was a very hot day where I am, I woke up having had odd dreams and what not and like many days before had a desire to just get up and go to the store and.. I didn’t I told myself “I’m not going back to that place” “I’ve suffered enough” “ I have things I need to overcome” and although I had only got maybe 3 or 4 hours of sleep I dragged myself out of bed and told myself I would go outside and get exercise and I did! I felt good but I also felt off. Trying to get my brain and body and nervous system use to not having alcohol was a challenge but still I powered through. I thought that I could power through which I thought I was doing a heck of a job with having had a “home remedy” to withstand withdrawals “safely”. The point I guess is I relapsed again and today I am not upset with myself. As alcoholics we are powerless over our addiction and failure is assured if we continue to try and “beat it”. It didn’t even seem like that though, I “surrendered” in my had. But I guess what’s happening now is trying to fight. I got really frustrated about my current financial situation and how I can get out of it anytime “soon” and the stress of it made me just say “F it” I guess. Living life on life’s terms as an addict is a challenge I commend anyone for over on because life as it is, is hard enough and I struggle to deal with it I suppose. Just sharing thoughts today I guess. All is not lost. I do not feel hopeless right now. I truly believe deep down inside one day I will overcome this hurtle. The thing I struggle to accept is it’s a life long challenge and is not limited to the beginning, middle, or end. It’s life long. Being 23 it’s hard to accept that. That I have “something wrong with me” while others are out “living their best lives” just a thought I guess. Thanks for listening.
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