I am really struggling tonight. I am 6 days sober and do not want to use. I refuse to use. Due to recent events my anxiety is through the roof. My heart is very heavy. Eyes full of tears. I feel the weight all around me closing in everywhere.
I went for a walk, I am breathing on purpose, I meditated. But still it continues to creep in closer. I cannot tell up from down. I am feeling deep feelings. My heart Is getting bigger.
I am seeing the world is much larger than I have made it. I feel the sadness of the blind eye I have turned to stay in my own world.
Addiction kills the pain yes, but also kills being present to those I love, Kills the Joy, the peace, my ability to see others and the pain they go through.
How many have I pushed away to use?, how many times have I closed my eyes on purpose pretending that everything is ok?
What would it be like to live this life through sober eyes? Would I see you?
I know I must brave letting the old life go. Tonight I don’t grieve that. But I grieve the lost time, the lost years, the selfish acts against others by my not being present and choosing to isolate and use. Tonight im getting a small glimpse into the bigger picture and it is painful. I know I cannot love fully until I have something to give and cannot give what I don’t have.
I am saddened that I have closed my heart off for so long. Thawing it out is painful. Tick tok, tick tok. Time marches on. Opportunity’s pass.