What can you do when your past is constantly brought up? I am blamed for everything that is wrong in my husband’s life. I fight tooth and nail everyday to keep my sobriety. I was so addicted that at this point I am STILL not comfortable going to restaurants that was our usual eating and drinking places. This isn’t being understood at this point in my sobriety. Really just want to say forget it all but keep fighting. Did I screw up YES and I constantly working on Sobriety YES. I feel I am making amends every day to someone who won’t give me a break. He thinks that physically being here is enough. It isn’t. I need more support and understanding how hard this is for me. I would love to drink, especially the way he acts, but I reach out all day to people who understand. I am not Happy, Joy-full and Free. I am lonely and sad in my own home. 
. I feel like I paid my dues, I now need a break. Very depressed in sobriety. Forgot to mention I have almost 21 months. I have no more fight in me.
21 months is so great. When you have an opening, tell your husband to google Al-Anon groups. It will give him a little insight as to what addicts go through and how necessary family support is for your recovery. Don’t let his ignorance about it stop you from helping yourself.
My counselor has suggested everything. I won’t give him the satisfaction of picking up. He doesn’t want me drinking BUT doesn’t want to help either. So totally at a loss. Met with counselor twice and went in one ear out the other. I have literature everywhere. Maybe I should find an Al-Anon site to download on his phone. Just want to feel happy and secure in this journey. Thank you
This may be hard to hear, but after almost two years, it sounds like it is time to walk away. You can not force anyone to be supportive, change, or accept anything. You can only control your own feelings. The resentments you are building up don’t sound healthy or good for either of you. Being stubborn and not picking up just to spite him isn’t good. You should not want to pick up for YOU. Your health and well-being. Sometimes amends is not accepted. It happens. But the codependency vibes and the controlling vibes just don’t sound healthy one bit. Good luck to you. I truly hope you figure out what YOU need.
I myself don’t want to drink anymore. Didn’t put it right. Over 50 years together. Not easy. We used to drink and part together until I became totally addicted which happened I my early 60’s and lasted 3 years. Before that social drinker. Just so much invested. But NO I don’t want to drink or not drink for him. My brother died an alcoholic at 33. Still struggling with the fact that this happened.
Can anyone suggest a good Alanon app I can download for his phone. He scrolls his phone all day. Thank you.
Sorry it’s such a struggle. I’m going thru a similar situation. She believes my recovery program (meetings, sponsor, steps etc) is a crutch. She believes I go to meetings to get away from her. Perhaps there is some truth to that. It’s not just her I’m getting away from…it’s a place I can go to rewire my thinking for an hour. I’ll listen to her get angry about the past, and blame me for things. It’s healthy for her to get it out, but I can only hear it so much. All I can say is it’s a lot of work! I have no great advice, but I hear and understand you. You are not alone
Are you going to marriage counseling? If not you should, even if he won’t. Some relationships are irreparable some can be fixed. A marriage counselor can help you figure out which yours is.
Thank you. Yes. It would be easy to throw in the towel and end everything but honestly at my age who feels like it. I do really love him and for what I did I believe feelings are mutual because anyone would have left with what damage I did in 1 year.
Never thought about going alone.
I’m 57. We’ve been together over 30 years. We have 2 wonderful children. There’s a lot of reasons to stay together. However, it takes two. I want it to work out, and in some ways it is. However, we all need to be happy. We all deserve to be happy. Stay strong! Recovery first!
I am 67 and didn’t do a rehab until 64 so was a little crazy. I feel like you do. I don’t easily give up. I usually just keep fighting but decided last night that I am done fighting with him. My sobriety comes first and I told him that last night. I wonderful I love you and a hug from him would be very welcoming. 
. Will keep you in my prayers. Hopefully things will get better for both of us.
All of my problems come from within. No amount of effort to control or manipulate other people, places and things could repair problems which belonged to me.
I am so very lucky to have an incredible sponsor who showed me how to live life according to the blueprint laid out in 12 step recovery. The first step is a complete surrender of my will. My way does not work. And without fail, when my life feels shaky these days it’s because I’m putting myself back in the center instead of following spiritual principles.
I truly believe, with every fiber of my being, that the way to fix the external is to start with the internal. Live your program. Dedicate yourself to service. Apologies are empty to loved ones who we hurt repeatedly. We repair those relationships with living amends. Owning our past and living in the present. Fit spiritual condition. Be consistent in your recovery and let those you’ve hurt meet you on their timeline. Not yours.
That sounds a lot like what I’ve been experiencing. I’m sorry. Bringing up the past is a waste of good present time. Which is a gift.
Look up emotional sobriety. So profound in dealing with those we love.
Nancy you sound like myself 4 years ago. I had a year sobriety and was doing all the right things but he was unsupportive in many of the same ways. It ultimately was destroying me and pushing me towards relapse. I never could imagine leaving my husband but I knew then sobriety would never be happy and that sobriety would never be long term in that situation. I wasn’t happy drinking and I wasn’t happy sober. I did eventually relapse. I then filed for divorce. Literally the hardest thing for me to do, I didn’t know if I was strong enough for that, but when I look at myself now, I see a woman who is happy. Sober. Relaxed. Not walking on eggshells. I’ve done some deep work on codependency and healthy boundaries and it’s like an awakening. I hope he is able to recognize your strength and honor your ability to face your own challenges. You are amazing. Keep being you:heart:
New places, new faces. Same man, and dam the ones who ain’t a fan.
Think about when you hit your bottom. I’m sure you were not only tired of your own bullshit but scared of losing everything you cared about.
This is what he needs. If he truly loves you and wants this to work maybe him seeing you being fine without him or living your own life will help him see that if he doesn’t change your gone.
And I don’t mean threats, I mean action. Maybe you physically need to extract yourself from the relationship for awhile. Either way it goes, it should give you clarity.
It’s scary, I know. Went through it last year. But if you’re sober and not happy then you need more…more change, more discomfort. Good luck and just hold on.
I have decided that will not tell where I am every minute. Will not be at beckon call anymore. I have been connecting with in person meetings because I want this. My family is like a thorn between my husband and I. He has done some crappy things that I could keep bringing up but for what it’s the past and I told him that. I know a lot of things he did with my nephew (the thorn in this). But why bother at this point. I need my sobriety or I will die.
Thank you everyone for the wonderful responses. So happy I joined this site. I even connected inperson the day. Wonderful feeling. Not stopping now