What is wrong with me, that I can't just say NO.. I tell myself I can do it one more day and clean it out my system before I have to test again. I just don't want to do it at all! I just want to be able to say I'm clean and mean it.
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There's nothing wrong with, your perfectly and wonderfully made. You can be clean, you can be happy! The desire for your addiction is what's telling these things. Not the real you. The real you in the one that made this post, the real you is the one reaching reaching out. That's you, not what your addiction says you are.
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I also can't type apparently
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There is nothing wrong with YOU at all. Addiction is a disease, you’re not a bad person just because you have a disease. Treating addiction starts with reaching out, which is exactly what you’re doing. What have you tried so far? (Reading/researching, meetings, journaling, etc)
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You will get there. Remember to breathe first of all. You want to change and learn and grow. It isn't easy, but please don't feel as though you can't because of setbacks, because you are still trying to move forward and get to where you want to be and that sheeeeeeet matters. 
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What you said.
Clean and serene! You got this! For me the journey starts with being sick and tired of being sick and tired! Then I was able to get the help I needed. Chemical dependency hospital, treatment center, AA, meditation sponsoring others, church, praying, journaling, more meditation, spiritual videos, educational videos and now I can sit here without feeling guilt, shame, remorse or worry.
It’s practicing all of the above daily to the best of my ability.
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