What next?

Recovery
#1

So it’s been about a month since I discovered I was an alcoholic and 2 weeks since I had a drink.

But I was an alcoholic for 15 years without knowing it. That’s also without knowing who it was making me. Since I hate the person I learned he was, I am re-evaluating every feeling, event, memory, and relationship I’ve had in those 15 years saying “I wish I could go back and do this again”, or “that person wasn’t even who I am. Who is he? Who did my loved ones love?”.

It’s a feeling of identity crisis and crippling regret. A deep, dark, pit of things I want to make up for, but am so broken by learning how horrible I was that I have no emotional energy to lift a finger, even though I know I’d do anything to make up for it all.

What do I do next though? Who is this new, better person? Is he better enough to cause others to unlearn 15 years of expecting how an alcoholic behaves? Can I ever get my marriage back?

I don’t know any of these things.

So I read. I work on myself. I remain active as long as depression doesn’t kick me back down into a dark, sleepy, haze of remembering things and thinking about what could have been. That’s a thing to avoid, but when you’re there it’s hard not to.

Who am I now?

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#2

I was you man. One year ago. I felt all those same things. My wife was furious with me. My kids, ignored me, my friends stoped calling… I was a husk and had the weight of the world crushing me. Playing the “what if”game, or the “I wish” game doesn’t solve anything. The past happened and trying to fix it or dwelling on it right now will do nothing but drive you back to the bottle. There is a reason the 12 steps are in the order they are. Time will fix all those what ifs and I wishes. Time and work. If you haven’t joined a program I would highly recommend it. AA was my choice but there are a bunch of others out there. If you truly want to relieve the crushing weight, it can be done brother! I am living proof. My relationship with my family is great now. Friends invite me to things. I actually like myself. You can have what I do, if you want it.

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#3

Get a sponsor. Take the steps. It's laid out.

#4

Hey Michael! Appreciate your post. Awakening to this reality after all of these years can be overwhelming. Early recovery is full of regret, remorse, and shame. The silver lining is you feel these things because you are finally aware, and being honest with yourself. While it hurts, it’s the start of a new beginning. We don’t know what we can recover from our past. I’ve heard many miracles over my years of being in the rooms of AA. Typically if we get better, our past, present, and future relationships get better. Some past relationships are too damaged to repair completely, but in most cases they do improve dramatically. For now, the best thing you can do is not overthink it, and be patient. You’ve been sick for many years, so expect it will take quite a while for others to trust you. My recommendation is to find a daily program of recovery that has a spiritual component to it. I believe we need to rewire our thinking. I do this on a daily basis because my dumb a$s goes back to auto pilot mode very quickly. You can do this. Try to keep it simple and go one day at a time

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#5

Get on line and find a program you will like.pleas keep it simple.you can not do this a lone.we need people.get to meetings.for a year every day. :dromedary_camel:

#6

I sit in the shame a lot too. I still don’t understand how people identify as a “grateful alcoholic” I can only hope that one day I’ll get there. But because I’m sober today - I get to find solution in every thing I do. I get to be there for people who I ignored. I get to call my family and ask how they’re doing. I get to work a program that brings me peace. I get to connect with other alcoholics who let me know I’m not alone. And I get to figure out day by day who I am. It’s coming so slowly, but the joy is figuring it out.

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#7

It all take time.

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