It feels like there's no real point in getting clean. Getting high gives me a taste of what I and life SHOULD feel like for a few moments, and the reason life DOESNT feel this way is because of things beyond my control, which i've finally accepted. But i still suffer because of it every single day. This ache for peace or euphoria will never truly go away. It'll just come back in a different form in a few yrs. And its worse each time. Its like a cancer. 
Whats the point of getting clean if it will never TRULY give me peace, it just convinces me it will?
4 Likes
We all feel that way from time to time but as you said...you feel that way for a few minutes then that feeling goes away then you're chasing that feeling again but in the end, it's a vicious cycle that only we can stop. Try to find stuff that makes you feel at peace that doesn't involve using and drinking
2 Likes
Aleah, this feeling you are talking about is a lie in your mind. The freedom from alcohol and drugs is much better in the long run. I used to be nihilistic but I gave up and gave myself to something higher than myself. I still don't know what this feeling is that saved me but something is keeping me sober and sane. I couldn't be happier because something saved me. Have some faith and let go of the self. Try to help others. Best thing I did was get a sponsor and work the steps. If I have a problem I have a brother I can talk to who has been through it. A.a. is what worked for me. Don't give up before the miracle. I had to give up my self will and stop thinking I had everything right and then all my freedom came back to me. Only in surrender can we gain our control back.
1 Like
You are chasing an idea that cannot be caught. I'm over 6 years sober cold turkey and consecutively. Not one day, not one moment, not one second did I ever doubt my decision to choose peace. I hope one day you choose to chase peace. 
1 Like
My sobriety is not about chasing or being reactive to life. It’s about my power to choose how I feel and being proactive in my life.
When I got high I gave away all my power. Sober I found and claim my power over and over again. It’s a practice and with practice I get better at it.
Most of us have decades of ignorance until we wake up, sober up and realize it’s really all up to us.
I’m here if you want to talk
1 Like
I understand the feeling. Embrace it and let it go. If you like journaling write down every positive to a clean life and every negative to using. For example:
-being clean gives me clarity
-being clean is saving me money
-being clean gives me the opportunity to chase new goals
-using could kill me
-using leads me to poor decisions
Etc.
I know how tough it is trust me. It’s okay to miss it, it’s okay to not be okay. But you can’t sit in that feeling forever. You have to find something to fill that void. A hobby that makes you happy, a tv show that changes what your mind is focused on. Therapy has done wonders for me to learn to cope, I highly recommend.
2 Likes
You are stuck in a loop. I was also. You see nothing but sh❤️t in your world and give it power by thinking it controls you and your life is terrible and focus on the negative so you get more of that. Its not easy to break the loop but with discipline of your mind you can see huge change if you change your beliefs and thoughts.
You create all of this and I did also! Its not our faults its old patterns and limiting beliefs passed down for who knows how many generations! But listen to what your thoughts are saying constantly and choose different and speak different!! My heart hurts to see so many in your position but you are powerful and amazing and can turn all of this around!!! Come up with a beautiful story of your new life and stay with it!!! I see your light and it is so bright!!!
2 Likes