When to leave

Struggling Help
#1

I've been in a relationship for about 20 years with my partner and have been married for almost 3 years...

We had a very toxic relationship and alcohol was our vehicle to navigate through our tumultuous times together. It took me 3 times to be hospitalized to change my life around, but he has not taken the steps to help himself or this marriage as he still continues to drink. I am near the end of the road with him trying to walk this sober path with me and see that dreadful fork in the road ahead.

We are planning on seeking marriage counseling as I already am involved with seeing my own therapist. I am not sure if that will be enough as he needs to do some work in healing and dealing with his own demons. I know I can't and won't do that for him.

When is it time for me to pull the band aid off and release that infection inside? :unamused: :thinking: :pensive:

This is my first relationship and first marriage so I find it extremely difficult to just let that all go...

Any thoughts or advice?

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#3

If it feels like an infection, and you are growing while he is not in therapy at all, then things may just continue to get worse. What about even just breaking up, for now? Taking a break? See if you feel better, healthier, stronger? Check in with yourself after 30 days. Is there someplace one of you can move to or stay so that you can have that real time apart? Maybe see if he wakes up. If not, this will be a nice way to transition. Also, get a friend in real life that can hold you accountable if you feel any codependency. It helps to get friends or family to help you or him move as well so that there are other people around and things don’t get too traumatic or escalated. I hope you are not hesitant to end things due to safety concerns?

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#4

Yea, the thing is I've done and am still doing all of the above. We do not live together now, I do feel healthier, stronger and much better. So I feel like I do know the answer already, but the issue is not hanging on for safety concerns for myself. The concerns are moreso for him. He has lost all of his friendships and his family do not seem to think he has a problem just because he can function...) on the other hand, other friends within our circle fear if I end this, he will likely drink to oblivion and quite possibly make a poor judgment call. It's tough..

#5

I got divorced a few years ago before I committed to not drinking, although I had already tried to quit several times. My ex was not taking care of himself, not being financially responsible and was not willing to change. We had been together for a very long time and I too had fears that he would spiral out of control if I left. Ultimately I had to do what was best for me. It is not an easy thing to do and it will never feel like the right time. But I am in a much better place on my own. If he is willing to go to counseling and truly make an effort perhaps he can change. But if it is only prolonging the inevitable, is it really worth it?

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#6

Go to counseling. Not saying the relationship can be salvaged but if it can that is the place. If it can't, that is still a good place to figure it out. Who knows, maybe if you go to counseling he will change. My grandfather quit drinking when a judge asked grandma if she'd stay with him if he stopped.

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#7

Separation would be best. Time to reset, time to heal and come back better!

I’ve survived divorce. It’s an awful experience I don’t wish on anyone. Then 9 months later he was fighting for me back…hah. Statistics actually support this. So even financially? Separation first. Do what it takes after a healthy time out!

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#8

Man, that's tough, wish I could have uou magic words or a wave of a magic wand, but unfortunately we can't do that. I had to learn the hard way. Focus on you, and once that is solid, then maybe you 2 can rebuild. That's how it went for me. Best wishes.

#10

I’m in a similar situation. You can check out my profile and see my post about it if you want to. It’s crazy because I know the advice to give you but I have a hard time following it myself.

You already put in effort into trying to get him to do better. And he’s not participating. It will not work without his participation. You guys been together for 20 years, hes your first so in his mind, you’re not going anywhere which gives him zero incentive to change. You leaving might be the best thing for him. A kick in the but maybe. Maybe you leaving him can save his life.

Either way, you need to save YOUR LIFE. Your life depends on this. Your healing and sobriety should be a priority. I know it’s easier said than done…. But look at the end game. The main goal. The main goal is for you to heal. You’re going to have to do things that are uncomfortable in order to get that goal.

On the other side of fear is FREEDOM. Freedom from substances that controlled your life.

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#11

That’s basically emotional blackmail. You staying out of fear he will spiral. That’s a prison

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#12

I hear you, and believe the mind is pretty much made up... going to get my ducks in a row before I give that blow. Thank you for your thoughts :heart: I'll definitely check out your post

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#13

Are you working the steps with a sponsor? I found I need to work the steps on my long term relationship. I am powerless over her and powerless over her alcoholism. This has been my solution.

#14

Hi Matt, no I am not working the steps. I am not attending AA as I did not find it conducive for my sobriety. I do see a therapist bi weekly and that has helped. I am noonger powerless to him or my disease and I thank you for your sound advice. I hope you find solace in your relationship :white_heart:

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#15

My wife told me she didn’t marry me to watch me die from alcohol. That made me quit.

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