I am finishing up a role for a film, today, at a state park in Alabama. I have done commercials, ads, and all sorts of acting and performances since I was a child. Nothing serious. Just favors for friends and companies here and there. I have always been able to put on a show when needed…and not. It makes sense because most of my life has been a never ending show.
Before sobriety I was blind to who I was. It was a bottle. It was drugs. It was s£x. It was reckless behavior and terrible coping skills. I didn’t know me. I was whoever I felt I needed to be at that exact moment. I was a chameleon that fit perfectly into any and all social settings. So much so that my résumé ranges from politics, firefighting, clinical care in an ER, phlebotomist, Computer programming, writing, grant writing, Data Communications, communication based systems, teaching communication, years of sales, marketing, advertising, general operations for 18 churches, and currently working towards becoming a clinical therapist and the list goes on and on and on and on. I felt like one of the village people in that “YMCA” song. My life outside of work ceased to exist. Whatever job or career I pursued, I excelled above the rest because process and structure was all I truly knew and did. I would definitely say I lacked consistency with all the changes.
I began therapy a couple years ago and it was one of the greatest challenges for me. I struggled to find how “I” felt. What “I” thought. Why I behaved the way I did. “My” experiences. I felt hopeless and stuck like a glass pitcher made to take in water only to pour it right back out. I was coasting through life and going through the motions. Through intense treatment and going to meetings it has helped me begin to break a little ground. I discovered that my life was not normal but I also discovered that I wasn’t alone. As I child grew up forced into isolation, abuse, underdeveloped socially. I suppressed so much mentally. I went out into the world to find me but what I found was the good and the bad being absorbed and being spit back out with my name on it. So much confusion and chaos and I continued to live and thrive in that environment because I am a product of that and we survive the best way we know how. Looking back on my journey, it amazes me beyond belief to see just how far I have come. I know there is a ways to go and the road feels never ending but as long as I walk the path today, I am exactly where I need to be. I am grateful, today, that my act is for fun and a choice, not a lifestyle.
#happymonday
#sobermonday #thisismyrecovery #justhavefun #justfortoday #grateful #sober #recovery
