You would think at my age, after years of drinking to excess, abstaining for a couple years at time, going back to drinking socially, thinking you have it under control, telling yourself you can just have a couple, but it ramps back up to drinking to excess, blacking out, feeling like shot the next day, telling yourself never again, but repeat that same action a few days later.....wondering, why am I so stupid to believe I can do it and control it. Lifelong addiction. Its a viscious cycle.
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You’re not stupid ….. I believe and a lot of people do as well that it’s a disease, a mental one. 
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If you have to think about controlling your drinking then the easiest way is to just abstain. Don’t beat yourself but learn from your mistakes.
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I truly understand and hope you get a good support system going.
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That’s the insanity. I think it’s going to be different this time because I know better. But I don’t.
No amount of self knowledge can save me from the first drink. Past experience doesn’t come into play. It’s the first drink that gets you drunk.
Not the fourth or the tenth.
The disease of alcoholism is cunning and powerful.
I lived exactly what you’re going through. I found a solution in Alcoholics Anonymous.
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You’re not stupid; you’re an alcoholic. 
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A lot of us identify. Personally I'm so scared to have 1 drink bec I know what will eventually follow... everything you listed. Keep connected with like minded people. My friends that are visiting that I haven't seen in 3 yrs are astonished at the change in me 
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You’re not stupid! I have been there many times too. I have to admit that I cannot control it on my own, in the end, it controls me. I realized I needed help and couldn’t do it alone.
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Pretty well established that alcoholism is a disease, abstaining for a few years won't change anything we will pick right up where we left off, usually even drinking worse actually. It'd a medical condition that slowly and gradually destroys your mental health as well. Don't beat yourself up over relapse, but do use it as a chance to start over and find a recovery program
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Thank you for the support. Its such a viscious cycle.
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Thank you for the support Adam
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Thank you for your words David. So true
Thank you for the support
You need a 12 step program and you need to work it..
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AA is working for me., I know alone I can’t stay sober., but with my higher power., and other Alcoholics help ., I get to live life on life’s terms….
It’s not easy at times but it’s so worth it….
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Living in those 12 Steps helps me so much….
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At least we're aware of it and doing something about it. Life is not easy. But it’s easier not drinking!