Have you asked yourself this and answered yourself honestly? I’ve been pondering this one for the last 557 days…
There’s the simple answer: to numb any and all ‘bad’ feelings, anger, sadness, etc.
Why, though, would I need to numb those feelings? Why not feel them? My childhood caregivers conditioned me to believe that those feelings should NOT be expressed. I’m too much. My feelings are too much. They drank. So I drink. I couldn’t wait to turn 21 so I could drink with the grown-ups and pretend to be happy like them.
I’m not trying to bypass accountability here. I know I made the choice to put the booze in my mouth. This isn’t about blame. I’m just trying to figure out where I made a wrong turn…? Unfortunately, it was the family of origin I was born into… THAT was not a choice. I was never given any other options. No one showed me how to cope with anything uncomfortable, ever…
Even now, I’m struggling to find support. I have cultivated a life that enables drinking from family to work to friends… there is very little in the society/culture around me that is sober.
Now, at 47 years old, I’m just getting to know myself for the first time.
Well said Nat. I share the same feelings, concern and finding a solution seems near impossible. Idk about you but I’m exhausted between not drinking and finding my place and life or drinking with all the pain and regrets that come with it. How do people like us break this cycle? I wish I had an answer and better advice. I could use it too please.
The Easyway does a good job of identifying reasons why persons drink, and how alcohol doesn't actually do anything to support those reasons. For example, if we drink to numb ourselves, does it work? Not for me but it makes it impossible for me to deal with anything. To relax.. it's a poison so every sip has to be processed out and causes stress on the body.
To numb the internal pain from within.
I was a functioning, reward-drinking alcoholic. I had it all together on the outside, yet was an utter train wreck on the inside. I have no one to point the finger at other than myself. I take full responsibility of my actions pre and post sobriety.
Well said. I was 49 when I got sober. I get it
I thought I was drinking for fun to relax, but in hindsight I drank to mask like you said.
Me to
If you are seeking support, then please look up Annie Grace!! She can help you get rid of your false beliefs about alcohol. I borrowed her books for free from the library. The 1st is called This Naked Mind. The 2nd is called The Alcohol Experiment. They are both very enlightening! I downloaded her app for free called This Naked Mind Companion app where there is support. Annie Grace also has a podcast & answers reader’s questions on YouTube. She’s the BEST! She will help you get rid of the craving for poison. Good luck!!
I can relate to many areas of your post, if not all of them. I think I needed the time away from family and friends to really get to know myself because I, too, never knew myself. I always had substance—it was like my soother. I couldn’t go anywhere without it, and then I couldn’t function without it. This led me to realize, in my recovery, that I needed to deal with codependency issues, self-sabotage, and situational anxiety. Working on changing my mindset from fear of failing to failing forward. You’re definitely on the right track. Keep going.