I’ve relapsed. I do well for two or three weeks and fall right back in. I know that relapse happens before picking up a drink and has to do with our thinking. And I think to myself, why do I want to drink? There’s nothing I’m depressed or anxious about. I have a good job, my health, my family. Why, then? Why is the nagging thought of drinking in my head?
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It’s a disease. Addicts’ brains are wired differently. It’s not our fault that we were born this way. Once I began to learn more about it, I’ve found much more comfort in it. In a lot of ways, we are blessed. We could have a disease that doesn’t have a solution, a solution that not only will help you but will also allow you to be your optimal self and help others. Check out Daniel Amen’s ‘your brain is always listening’.
For me it was so I could shut down and not have to deal with the outside world. I had all the same things you do, I just didn’t want to deal with anything. Problem was I couldn’t stop and would black out, or the d bag who didn’t care about anyone would show. After a long look inside myself I found it was about power and control. It was the only way I felt I had those things. Messed up right?! It was subconsciously screwing with me, and the alcohol was the flood gate. Hope you can figure it out.
Reading “alcohol explained” By William Porter really helped me understand the effects of alcohol on our brains. Now I’m reading quit like a woman by Holly Whitaker and it just makes me pissed off at how we have been marketed by alcohol (execs) just like cigarettes (big tobacco). Great reads to help keep you on track!
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Yep, it’s a brain thing. Alcohol is a liar.
Plus drinking is not only socially encouraged, it’s pretty much demanded. And social media and marketing make it seem normal, glamorous, fun. Even healthy! It drives me nuts w the low calorie seltzer and organic vodka, etc. I’m absolutely certain our livers don’t give an f about any of that 
Keep trying. Sobriety is worth the hard work
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Because you're an addict. NOT complicated but hard to embrace. STEP 1
Find a program.look on line.a lot on there.meetings and make friends.