My 18 year old just told me (not willingly) that he started drinking. I told him I did at his age, too, but that I wish I hadn’t. I called those years from my teens to my 30’s my “wasted” years.
I’d love to hear what you’d say to him and/or ask him, if he were your son? Thank you!
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That is a super touchy subject I think. For me I would want to know why. Also, he is 18 and while an adult, it isn’t legal. He is old enough to make his own decisions but also deal with any consequences that may follow. I know you want the best for him but don’t push him away. Good luck Nancy.. It doesn’t sound like a fun conversation anyway you approach it.
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My kids are 22 and 20. They grew up with a dad (me) who identified as an alcoholic and didn’t drink…until I did a few years ago. I always expected the day would come that they would experiment with alcohol and weed. They know my story. I keep the focus on them making responsible decisions regarding their safety, and being mindful that addiction has affected family members on both sides. Honesty and open communication is best
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My now 15 yo called 911 when he was 12 and probably saved my life. That was my bottom. 2.5 years sober now and he’s knows I go to AA, but try not to over emphasize it. We just keep an honest dialog going. I hope because he saw me get sober and witnessed the difference that he doesn’t follow my path.
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If it were my son…I’d tell him how proud of him I am for him waiting so long to drink (which is impressive in my mind) but to be careful and keep in mind that alcoholism runs in the family. And in my case, addiction in general. Also things like always being open and honest and to always try make smart decisions. To call me if things ever take a turn for the worse. I’d stress things like drinking and driving not being safe in particular.
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The “call me and there will be no judgement” thing is huge for me. I drove myself or rode with others when I never should have. I always emphasize I’m here and we’ll figure it out, if in doubt call me.
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I love the “wasted years” comment. It is so true.
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I sure as heck won’t enable their drinking. My parents let us party at the house (not often but it happened) with the idea that it was safer…. They gave us some beer or some champagne if it was someone’s birthday or New Years. But even at 17 I was already stashing extra booze down there beforehand because what they supplied wouldn’t be enough.
I don’t pretend I can stop them. I want them to be safe. They are old enough to know and remember the drunk me. I hope they’ll be smarter than their parents (my ex in recovery too).
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I have three (oldest is 22 today) and certainly don’t have any answers, just a personal opinion.
ANY kind of moralizing about drinking is likely to add fuel to the fire, because in the psyche of a young person, drinking /drugging actually feeds off moral indignation.
Most (not all) of the time, an experienced drinker can spot pretty quickly whether a young person is a candidate for alcohol dependence. The ones who are just experimenting will typically monitor themselves without your input.
However, for the ones who ARE candidates, it’s a tough thing. My approach has been to a) point out the long-term hazards by actual examples of wasted lives, and b) plant seeds of serious boundaries without moralizing. For example, “Drinking is fine within safe parameters. However, drinking and driving is prison.” Or, “Drinking a few beers can be fun with friends. Drinking a few shots is vomiting in a strange bathroom.”
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