Wow 2 years clean and I still can't shake HIM OFF! I know he's my worst trigger his verbal abuse, gas lighting mind fucks and manipulation are BEYOND WORSE...then the FATHER LOVER AND HUSBAND HE KNOWS HOW TO TREAT PPL RIGHT BUT HES A NARCISSIST. During my 6 years of active addiction I always felt I deserved the PAIN AND HELL THAT CONSTANTLY ENJOYS TEARING ME IN HALF..he's not an addict like myself but most days I tell myself he's no better then me...then when I get strong and my journey looks BRIGHT AND FULL OF LIFE....HE COMES KNOCKING ME DOWN AND ONCE AGAIN I ALLOW IT! WHEN I DO DEFEND MYSELF it only makes him push me down harder it's in these moments when REALITY actually looks me n the face LIFE ON LIFES TERMS BECOMES VERY FAR AWAY...THE BEAUTIFUL HOME IVE BUILT THE 4 AMAZING CHILDREN IVE RAISED ARE ALL GROWN N GONE! They ran as soon as the college doors opened up...I GUESS I SHOULD FIND SOME GRATITUDE IN THE FACT WE MADE I5 IT SO LONG! I Must do my best 2 stop loving him I need to remember when we SEEM happy and it feels LIKE LOVE IS COMING BACK IN R MARRIAGE ITS NOT...I BROKE US I CAUSED SO MUCH PAIN WITH ALL MY LIES AND DECIETFUL WAYS...ADDICTION TRULY TORE US APART FOR YEARS HE DIDNT HATE ME BUT NOW I AM CLEAN I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL, SO NOW HIS WORDS CUT DEEPER THEN THEY EVER DID B4! WHEN WILL I FORGIVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO WALK AWAY AND LET HIM GO....I DIDNT STAY CLEAN FOR MY FAMILY-HUSBAND BUT I DID GO THROUGH AND FINISHED TREATMENT SO MY FAMILY COULD HEAL! I AM CONFIDENT I AM WORTHY OF FORGIVENESS...I just don't know where to find it....Just 4 Today I will feel my feelings regardless of how much it hurts...I am grateful for that
I am also in an insanely toxic relationship I feel it's my true core addiction because I too cannot leave the relationship I cannot leave and find true happiness in a healthy relationship with someone else it's a sickness I hope this helps but if not reading what you wrote helped me remember there are other women out there going through this nightmare too
I was in a toxic relationship for 13 years, finally got up enough courage to walk out the door. It wasn't easy by no stretch of the imagination and she still tries to control me to this day. Everyday is a new day, a new day to make changes. I promise you it will be worth it. There is too much happiness in this world to settle for less. It took me a long time to realize that, but I'm glad I finally did. If you need to reach out or talk to somebody, I'm here.
No matter what stay sober.one day at a time
Love addiction is a real thing. There are 12 step programs and meetings for this. Maybe you can find a zoom meeting and see if it might be helpful. It’s miserable to be stuck in such a toxic relationship. It’s ok to ask for help. You have to be your best advocate. I hope you find the strength and courage to get away from this toxic person. Pray for strength and courage 
Wow. I truly understand. It took sobriety and 2 years clean to give me strength to leave. It was one of the hardest things I done. But the serenity and peace is so wonderful. I have learned to forgive myself. Wow I actually learned to take care of myself. Self love is right around the corner. You will know when it’s time. Till then go to meetings and get phone numbers for woman and CALL them. You need a support system. When he is verbally abusive leave and go for a walk Call someone. We didn’t wake up one day and decided to be addicts and destroy everything and hurt our love ones. We is sick people trying to get well. We are not bad people. Don’t punish yourself. He has played a big role in the destruction of the marriage. He did it sober. How does that make him a better person. Sending prayers your way. Hold on and don’t pick up
You’re right about one thing for sure. He’s not better than you!! You sound like a very smart and strong woman. I don’t think he likes that. You probably intimidate him. Stay strong girlfriend. 
A narcissist loses interest in you when you no longer fulfill their needs. His process will be ugly. He will tell you you’re not worth his time or energy anymore. He will blame absolutely every single thing on you. Nothing is ever the fault of a narcissist. They are only the victim or the hero. So remember that when you’re setting and enforcing your new found boundaries. You’ll hear a lot of noise, but it’s all coming from him, and about him. And it’s all bullshit.
I haven’t had the misfortune of being romantically tangled with a narcissist, but I had a boss who was one. Whenever anything didn’t go perfectly, it was because we were trying to screw him over. Whenever things did go well, it was his doing, despite of how incompetent we were.
He would plan things to an unnecessary level of detail. He would ignore tried and true methods so that he could make things his way. He would not accept any blame whatsoever.
3 years later, I found enough of a backbone to stand up. And then poof. I was no longer of use to him. And at that point my addiction became a terminable offense. But he couldn’t be the bad guy, so he had his boss let me go.
About 18 months after I was fired, he and I reconnected briefly and I made my amends. To him, and to myself for putting up with his shit at the detriment to my own well-being and mental health.
This amend to him was very difficult, and likely not very satisfying for him. I made no apology. I took responsibility for my part in it. I attempted to explain the role alcohol played, and how I had changed for the better since giving it up. This really had little interest to him, as it wasn’t about him.
What is better staying there and making it worse. Go to meetings and get help.and get out.sobriety is all worthwhile.
Sounds like you are on the right path. I think you are dealing with a “dry drunk”, someone who doesn’t drink a drop but exhibits all the same behaviors as a full blown alcoholic. Have a couple of those in my family. Therapy works wonders!! Good luck!!