Amends?

Recovery
#1

Step 9 of AA, what’s the correct way to make your amends?

I have a few amends to make. I’ve made a few amends already. My Sponsor was getting upset with me cause I haven’t made all of my amends! I don’t want this to be an issue of listen to me cry about my Sponsor. What I’m looking for is guidance.
I have one to my Brother. I’ve tried calling him, no answer. I’ve text him saying I’d like to meet up in person as I have an amends to make. Let me know when you are available? I got no response. What should I do? Keep bugging him? My sponsor says to text him again every week.

My sponsor says I’m being selfish. He makes it sound like I’m supposed to drop everything that God needs me to do to make these amends. If I’m reaching out to those I have amends to make and they don’t respond reply back, what do you do?
My ex wife is another one I need to make an amends to. I have a restraining order against me. How would you make this amends?
My ex-mother in-law is one I can probably make sooner then later.
I have another one that will require volunteering at an animal shelter. Well Covid has that screwed up as they’re not taking new volunteers right now!
I pray for the knowledge and courage to make these amends. I’ve put my trust in God that God will give me the opportunity to make all right with those I’ve wronged. Also, I’m pretty sure this program states that my will run riot causes harm! So if I’m out running on my own will making these amends there is a chance I could be doing more damage then good!
Thanks for listening! Not going to let him change my emotions! I had a really good weekend with my son! Remember make it right with God first through Jesus Christ. The rest will follow!

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#2

No disrespect to your sponsor who I'm sure has great intentions, but telling you to text your brother every week when he's not responding feels like harassment to me. If I wasn't ready to talk to/forgive someone and he/she kept pushing, I would get angrier.

There's someone I feel I wronged years ago, and I had messaged her to confess and apologize at the time it all happened. The next time she saw me in public she tried to physically fight me, and the next time she just flipped me off and glared at me. She obviously didn't accept my apology and probably still hasn't forgiven me for the part I played in her pain. That's just something I have to live with. I can't force her to forgive me, and if I continued to try to reach out to her when she would rather try to forget I exist, that would be selfish of me. So I just pray for her to find forgiveness and healing for HER sake, because I want that for her, even if I never know about it. I also have to try to forgive myself for the reckless decisions I made in my early 20s. Sometimes that's all you can do - pray for the people you hurt and try to forgive yourself. Make amends by bettering yourself and not repeating the same harm. You certainly don't want to violate any legal orders to satisfy your sponsor. You also shouldn't have to rush the process. That's just my opinion. Sounds like you've got the right idea just letting God lead the way.

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#3

My sponsor advised me not to make amends where friendships ended for the best regardless of the faults, if it seems we’re both good with our separate ways; where I would need to reach out to exes if they’re in new relationships out of respect; and really anywhere I’m certain someone wouldn’t want to hear from me, because that would be intentional harm to them anew. Also, I’be not heard of a sponsor rushing the steps. I wasn’t ready to do the 6th for at least a month after reopening the wounds in the 5th. Had I been rushed, it wouldn’t have been honest. It’s YOUR program! Good luck!

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#4

Thank you for sharing! I’m doing my best. I agree with the harassment texting. Plus I know my Brother…. And have talked with our mother about this. I will reach out after the holidays as I feel that this time of year is stressful enough for most people including myself. Maybe I’m being selfish but at least I’m sober not causing more wreckage.
I pray for my ex wife to forgive me of my sins. I also pray for her to be healthy and to live a joyous life. I feel that writing her a letter would be best as per the restraining order. My old Boss is one that I owe a big Amends to next to my ex-wife. I owe him tools and money for my behavior and justification drinking… again if I’m not ready mentally to make these amends I must turn to God through meditation and prayer.
Plus one of my character defects is being told what to do in a direct authoritarian manner will have me in a resentment real fast! It’s good exposing our defects sooner rather then later in the steps has been productive… :joy:

I’m sure my Sponsor has good intentions but I feel that being kind and loving to everyone is a must. Telling me that he can’t help me any further in the program until I finish my 9th step is quite shocking. Holding me back from helping others because the timing of my amends isn’t lining up with his expectations isn’t fair to the newcomer who could use my help. Even if it’s just getting them to their 9th step….
I have help three people. And countless others on this app.
I love AA but it seems that we have gotten to big for our pants!
I’m ranting now… I’m going to get some sleep. Keep moving forward. Keep my side clean
And pray to clean up my past.

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#5

Kate Thank you :pray:
I totally agree! Being rushed for me is a good way for me to have negative emotions towards another person. I do understand it’s an action program. It’s also a spiritual one as well. I’m beginning to think that I rushed through 6&7 to quickly.
I’m currently reading drop the rock removing character defects
Steps 6&7 second edition. So far it’s good. New ideas and ways of thinking about how to go about removing said defects. Heck it even states that God may not remove all of them as some maybe useful to you and or others as a part of helping others in recovery.

I feel that writing a letter to my brother and ex-wife asking for their forgiveness and willingness to see me in person to make an amends is completely adequate in these circumstances.

#6

Maybe look at your motive ? To me(and it’s only my opinion) . Maybe telling them the reason you “need” to meet them? Maybe they are hurt and what you “need” might not be a priority to them right now. I was and still am selfish , self centered etc . The only difference is now I’m selfish in that yes I drop everything. I’ve learned if I don’t live in AA and visit the world the work and finances fix themselves. Sounds to me like maybe gif ain’t ready for those amends to happen. Also I didn’t have to “meet up” to start that amends , I started anonymously by not doing anything else to hurt them, my advice keep going to meetings and ask others. It’ll come maybe just not when you want it

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#7

Thank you Terry! That’s my point. I’m not forcing anything to happen. I’m willing to make all of my Amends. There are a few they even though I’m willing I’m not 100 percent ready to make that move. This is a program of honesty. I’m working an honest program to the best of my ability.
Also, I feel that it’s very selfish if one was to pursue and amends only to fulfill one’s own needs. These amends aren’t for me, they are for the other person whom we’ve hurt. If that person is still hurt and doesn’t want to see me then the amends is now on hold until that person is ready! Or one can write them a letter.
My point on this is does a sponsor stop working the rest of the steps with you until all of your Amends are completed? To me that selfish and self centered on my sponsors part and not what AA has taught me.
I am responsible states that anytime and anywhere someone reaches out a hand in AA will be there. And for that I’m responsible.

#8

There is such a thing as living amend. In a lot of cases living amend are done when one has geographically moved or passed on. The best way to exercise this is to not proceed the behavior. “An amends is to make a change (amendment)
To change prior and replace with something different.
A lot of times we are unable to make physical amends do to possibly harming ourselves and or others. This is where/when living amends can take place.. simply changing negative behaviors that took place with the individual/individuals.
I only suggest this in time where you can not make physical amends. The reason why we make amends is to release mental emotional bondage of ourselves.. no longer are we holding ourselves hostage for damage inflicted upon people places or things (emotionally mentally Physically)
If we were to simply say “sorry I hurt you I didn’t mean it” then later exhibit that same behavior.. we truly didn’t make amends.
So perhaps you can attempt to make living amends.
It’s nice feeling the weight lifted no longer having to tip toe around individuals you may have harmed.
I’ve had to make living amends on several occasions due to being absent for a period.. My parents passed on Grandmother etc.
on one occasion I remember going to a store putting all the shopping carts I could find into parking lot caddies. By doing this I did not potentially harm myself or others. In others words I gave of myself selflessly.
Now.. this type of amends or any amends doesn’t mean individuals will forgive forget and move on. Remember there has been pain infected and trust has been broken. Amends are not ment to be a fix all.. if that was the case we would all be emotional wrecks, far more than we already are. Lol.
Anyway.. I’m getting a bit off topic.
Hopefully my words will be of some help during your journey.
“Living amends”
Take care :hugs:

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#9

Thank you Tommy! I agree with you on living amends. Also, my behavior has changed 100 % since I’ve started AA.
It’s more of that I’m not doing it exactly the way my sponsor did his amends is the real issue here.
This is my journey and I will be selfish about that. I’m not doing recovery for anyone else other then me. I’m sober today. I trust God. I’m changing my old ways for new more productive and helpful ways.

#10

If someone doesn't want to hear your amends or isn't ready to accept them, you must accept that. Your willingness to attempt this with your brother is enough for now. Give it time, others heal on their own time.
Personally, I waited a full year to do this, staying sober, building up equity & practicing living amends in the meantime.
If you feel you are being rushed through the steps, maybe your sponsor is not a good fit. And that is ok. This is your journey, the rest of us are just along for the ride.

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#11

I’m glad to hear you are doing so. :grin: relieving ourselves from bondage is why we make amends. We’ve imprisoned ourselves for so long we can now live freely by making amends.
Try sticking with the print and or other literature.. your sponsors approach may differ.
This of course doesn’t mean he’s wrong it just simply means he might view things another way.
After going through the steps and living by spiritual principles you will find that you have become a productive member of society living selflessly.
Right on Kevin!
It’s alway nice to know that I’m not walking this journey alone.

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#12

Thank you Steve! Your words resonate with me. I’m leaning towards getting a new sponsor.
I find last nights conversation counter productive.

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#13

Yes relieving of bondage of self is a must. Looks like I’m going to reread the book step 9.
To be honest I’m actually reading drop the rock removing character defects as I feel I may have gone through these steps a little to fast. I’m not perfect. I need more practice and productive guidance.
I’m not saying my sponsor is wrong, just not agreeing with his approach. Going to ask God for guidance on how to approach this situation. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
We are never alone.

#14

That’s an awesome book!

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#15

So far it’s good! It was a bundle pack with drop the rock ripple effect. Using steps 10 to work 6 &7 everyday.

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#16

Sometimes it’s best just to let your actions speak .

#17

Regarding the animal shelter, you can always put out a bird feeder & ensure it is full. You can also drop off pet food at the shelters. It'd be a start and a part of the living amends.

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#18

No. Once we have made the attempt to offer amends, we

#19

cannot dwell on the outcome. I wrote my ex several letters. He never responded. Each time I wrote the letter, the shame and guilt lost power with each written word. I finally did make an amends in person but it took time and gave me time to heal also.

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#20

Thank you Steve! Great advice!