Are you sober, in a relationship with an alcoholic? How do you cope? Do I end 20 years with someone because the sober version of me is no longer compatible with my drinking partner?
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Nobody on here can answer that, its....maybe. you're the only one who knows enough to make that decision. But if the disease has progressed far enough the only thing they'll care about is getting drunk and that's a very hard place to come back from.
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In my experience I didn't have to end any relationships. Once I decided to stay sober, slowly but surely everyone in my life faded away. Some quickly, others took some time. A couple of years for a few but all gone in the end. Once I took the drugs and alcohol away I took the common denominator away. I never did try making new healthy relationships so sure it gets boring some may say lonely at times but at least I do not have the influence around.
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It was easy to let all the drinking buddies and fake friends go because I changed careers and moved across the country. My marriage is a different kind of commitment…
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I am noticing that behavior now that I’m not drinking as well
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Of course. Saying it without saying it. Things still have a way of working themselves out.
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I went to Alanon. I needed to end the generational domestic violence in my life. Learned how to set boundaries, self care, detach with love, not tolerate red flags, etc. Plus this is where I learned about emotional sobriety.
It changed my life.
I worked very hard with a sponsor and the steps in AA and Alanon.
I’m now 30 years sober and in a 20 year marriage that has absolutely nothing near abuse. I had to get well and stay single until God brought that right person in my life.
Best wishes.
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Sober but question my partner choice because I was drinking when we got together and wonder if I would have I been sober
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I understand where you’re coming from. My husband of 24 years is a big drinker and I’m now sober. It’s hard for me but I do love him. It’s not an easy situation to be in. He supports me in my decision but still parties on the front porch with the neighbors. I used to be there right along with him but not anymore. I miss it but I’m happier now living sober despite the constant temptation there. Wish you the best!
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Tough decisions need to be made in order to work and maintain your sobriety.
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I will second the comments from Kim.
I was in a 20+ year relationship. As with any relationship. It had its ups and downs. ALANON was a great help. That, combined with the AA program has improved my life beyond measure. It doesn’t work for everyone, but I would suggest giving it a try.
Lastly, no one can tell you what the right decision in your own personal relationship is. That is a decision that only you can make.
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Either way I wish you both joy and happiness. Alcohol is an ugly bear
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I'm in agreement with Matt and Kim. Ultimately you have to do what's best for you and your sobreity.
Some options I know of is ALANON, which has been mentioned, SMART Recovery has a Family & Friends online group and a message board forum for Concerned Significant Others (CSO).
Everything You Think You Know About Addiction is Wrong -- TED Talk. I found this TED talk very insightful.
As for my experience -- I was miserable towards the end of my drinking days. I didn't love myself, I had a lot of shame and was at the point of true physical dependence. I didn't want to drink anymore. I would tell myself never again, I'm done when I woke up in the morning, and then by 5 pm, I was drunk. It was through compassion, support, patience, and understanding from my family and friends that helped me get on the road to recovery and stay there. I am forever grateful that my husband stuck through the ups and downs with me.
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40 + years with my partner….
Navigating the relationship continues to be the most challenging part of sobriety
It was easier to drink away the issues than deal with them but, now sober, things look very different
There is no acknowledgement or support or encouragement from my partner
I was really surprised by their absence … then frustrated … then disappointed…. now mostly sad
I’m not sure where we are going or how it will end but the distance is growing
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Absolutely, you only live once. Do it your way. If you ain’t happy, become happy. Straight up, girl.
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Tough but important question and answer. I agree with most and say yes you need to end the relationship. You sober life is too important right. And maybe you seek a sober partner too and if so you deserve as much and more!! It’s never easy. I’m going through a similar situations. I will never get sober, truly sober, without moving on from the people, GF and some friends, going forward. I will stay in the same cycle. Best to you as you figure it out!! You’re not alone either.
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My husband of 47 years drinks whiskey every day you can remain sober let others be who they are. You be you and work at staying sober! His body is suffering everyday from the alcohol use. But your mind and brain will become healthier if you remain AF good luck!
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Sober and in a relationship with someone that drinks. The first year I refused anyone that drank, the 2nd I just focused on myself. Coming up on the 3rd year, and she just knows that if she drinks, I won’t be kissing and cuddling with her.
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Hi Nat. I going on 4 years sober. A year after quitting my ex wife didn’t. She got more verbal & mentally abusive so I left her. Filed for divorce and no longer have to live that horrible life. I made the best decision of my life and so much happier than ever before.
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Thanks Hank, I can really identify with this… no acknowledgment, encouragement or support from my partner. I don’t know what the solution is, but it feels a little better knowing that I’m not alone in the struggle. The distance is growing between us, but maybe it’s to make room for more supportive people…?
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