Being Honest

Recovery
#1

DISCLAIMER:
This isn't going to be heartwarming nor easy to read. My use now is an attempt at avoiding suicide. Nothing more A poor one at that bc Fent is rolling the dice at best. That said, as I sit in classes all day at this program I can't help but think,

"ISNT A CLASS IN THE WORLD GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE WHEN THAT NEXT TIME ARISES."

I still participate bc It helps the depression and at the end of the day, I like to help folks and while I AM HERE... Anyway, it sucks but that's my truth.

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#2

Dude. I get it. Keep passing the open windows.

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#3

Sending prayers brother man. Being active in our recovery is the only thing will keep us going, changing, and becoming the best version of ourselves.

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#4

Start praying for the strength to get well.

You are not alone. I will say to you what a good friend of mine said to me when I wanted to end my life. Are you a coward? Suicide is the coward's way out, rather than owning your sh*t and fighting your way to recovery, you take the easy way out.

If you're anything like me, I had buried myself into such a deep hole that I could no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is a way out. Going to meetings daily, getting a sponsor, reading the Big Book, and then working the steps with my sponsor brought me into a relationship with my Higher Power which I choose to call God for lack of a better word.

There is a reason why you are still here, and nothing is going to change until you decide to do the work. I didn't take the easy way out, and 2 years into this thing I am at peace for the first time since I've been a kid. I would highly recommend getting into a rehab, to get your mind and body clear enough to think straight, and then get to meetings every day. Get a sponsor. Get a home group. Get a service position in that home group. Work the 12 steps to the best of your ability, and keep praying. God comes to all those who earnestly seek Him.

You are not alone.

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#5

Man, I just want you to know that I am glad you are here.

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#6

I don’t know your story at all, but I’ll tell you mine. I have two little girls because their parents were users. Eventually it took her from this life, and now the two year old will never know her real Mom, she only knows me and my wife as Mom and Dad. My little brother is now in Hope is Alive getting clean from the same drug you choose it seems. Myself, I’m a deeply flawed person, or disturbed, however you want to say it. I turned to alcohol to forget about how flawed I am. For years I begged God to help me, but on my conditions, I would not give up alcohol for anything. When I failed again and was about to lose everything I have, He gave me the answer, almost in an audible voice I heard, “completely turn to me and I will restore you”. I gave up alcohol and turned to him. My wife forgave me, I think, and I started healing. I’m still deeply flawed and I have thoughts creep in, but I turn to him daily. It isn’t easy but I turn to him every single morning and it helps, He helps. You can do this and I pray you completely turn to him, whatever is holding you back, give it to him. Whether you believe or not, search for him and He will show up, and the belief gets stronger and stronger.

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#7

Hey bro! I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way and I just want to say that I see you and I’m glad you’re still here even when it feels like nothing can help. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it right now but participating in those classes, even when it seems pointless, means you haven’t completely given up! You’re helping others just by being there, and that’s important too.

Fentanyl is such a dangerous roll of the dice and your life is too valuable to gamble with. Not sure if you are into prayer but at the very least please keep reaching out to people, let them in, and lean on whatever support you can find. You don’t have to face this alone. We’re here and I’m here for you

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#8

I'm fighting for a life of pain and being told I'm not enough. That's a fools fight tbh. Anyway, doubt I'll be on here anymore. I do t have anything more encouraging to say and that's kind of the point so I'm phased out, so to speak. Best of luck to all of y'all!

#9

Dude don’t ever let someone bring you down to there level if people are telling you your not worth it maybe it’s time to get better people in your life. It’s about yourself not them don’t let them drag you down to there level. I had to learn the hard way about people I surround myself with. Those people should be giving you positive reinforcement and make you feel great about yourself no matter what. If they’re bringing you down I wouldn’t associate with them anymore it’s your life not theirs. And dude you’re definitely worth it. Sending positive vibes your I. This earth for a reason stay positive man. I hope the best for you and hope this message can help you

#10

I have been to treatment 3 times..2 at hazelden betty ford and the last one was at Adult and Teen Challenge. Seeing how the people there made miraculous transformations and went from hopeless to hopeful. That changed my thinking that I was worthless and I would never have a life again. I work every day to better myself and I hope that you will see that life is worth it. Life does get better.

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#11

When you think you can’t take another second of this life - hold on for one more minute - your mind WILL change - it constantly changes - suicidal thoughts are just that, thoughts - don’t act, don’t react, hang on and then hang on some more - I’ve attempted suicide six times - it sucks - God keeps throwing me back - I have purpose and a reason to be here as do YOU - you WILL find it - all the answers are within you

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#12

Unfortunately, Tracy, chronic pain doesn't quite work like that. When the pain hits a 10 and stays there, the voices persist. Part of it is changing that dialogoe, which I am working on but it's hard t9 do when the pain, TG fluctuates The other side is bringing the pain to a manageable level, which after some 20+ yrs I believe we may have f8nally arrived

I do hear you, however, and the mind is a funny thing, how it works. With about any other thought, such is the case. Somehow over the years that level 10 pain born itself a voice and phrase to where every beat of my heart created a painful, sharp and awful l, suicidal phrase to go with it. It will get better. It is. Just takes painstaking work . Thank you for your encouragement I won't give up

#13

Josh,
You’re a good man. You poses strength and courage. Thanks for all your help. Hang in there and don’t give up.

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#14

I’m rooting for you!!!!

#15

Thank you Andrew. I don't struggle with my addiction as most do. I have days of intense pain and ever so rarely they are beyond what I am capable of dealing with. Every year or two, I fold to the pain and take a few hrs off via fentanyl. That's still no good, I get it, which is why I do go to meetings. Working with a sponsor whom I met here, FINALLY, after 2 yrs of searching.

I'll be good. In a rehab as we speak. Awful news from a doc had me "on one" so to speak, hence the post, that and just needing to voice it. Holding it in, the usual, takes its toll and occasionally I gotta let it out, as awful as it is to say and hear.

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm in this thing to the very end. I just don't care to be every once in a blue moon.

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#16

Hang in there. Keep pressing forward :sparkles:

#17

I do believe. Occasionally I lose sight. Thank you for sharing your story. I am in it for the long haul. I have evil demonic voices at times that tell me to end it. When the pain gets so bad I can't hear a thing, THAT is what I hear inside my own head. I am grateful that it's a rare enough occasion and I work spiritually, physically and mentally more hours than not, most days. I will, however, work harder, better going forward. Thanks again for the encouragement.

#18

It's the voice inside my own head. The good news is, I alone have control over that. More than a decade of putting a voice to that awful pain ain't easy to change but it's possible and I will realize it. Thank you for the support.

#19

I will. Thank you my friend.

#20

All of the answers are. I just need to exercise that strength all the more, and find them during those darkest times. I got this!