Curious if anyone has any insight on this. I was engaged to an alcoholic and we both started sobriety. His was court ordered. However, nothing stuck with him and he started drinking heavily again after his court date. Showing up at my house drunk screaming and pounding on my door. Being abusive like normal. He is officially completely out of my life now. I’m taking my sobriety very seriously and I’m so happy for that. Anyway, I got asked on a date by someone that has asked me multiple times in the past, I know he doesn’t drink much because he told me that when I first met him. How do you date in sobriety? I’m sure I will feel anxious and insecure. Should I just skip the date? Honestly I’m not sure I even want to date anyway-I’m loving being by myself and discovering this new life I’m journeying towards. However, I do get a bit lonely and I have not been doing many fun things. Any advice welcomed, thanks in advance!
Just be yourself and heal, I would suggest not entering a relationship till the year mark. Until your healed and know exactly what you want and don’t want, unfortunately the chances of ending up with a similar person is very high. Good luck
I agree with Brian
and then it still seems impossible
Brian is giving you the advice my sponsor gave me. She said I’ll continue to bleed on every relationship if I choose not to heal the wound. Being lonely is terrible, I’m going through that now, but I am going to start finding hobbies and things to keep me busy. Going to my AA meeting and involving myself will help the loneliness..
I'm at ten months and haven't dated yet. I do get lonely some days, but I feel I have to rebuild my foundation and get in a great mental space before I can start to share my life with another person. I do feel when I get back out there I will be able to enjoy healthier relationships. Otherwise I'm getting a puppy this this summer.
“Build a foundation. Find someone you can spend time with when times are up and down.”
It’s a date. And my sponsor always tells me there is nothing wrong with dating as long as you remember that God loves all his children and “you shall do the same.”
There is a woman that has my heart and I am not ready to share that heart with anyone else, She’s pretty cute and she’s 4 years old and kind of looks like me so I’m going to build that foundation before I try to date again.
Okay, this is great advice. I do need to stay alone. I’m finding my power again and relearning to love myself all over again. And tbh-I’m freaking cool. I’m fun and smart and witty and I haven’t been able to enjoy that person to myself in so so long. So I’m gonna stick it out. Commuted relationship with me-I’d say it’s getting pretty serious. Lol 
Committed*
Kids are unconditional love that is beyond any relationship. You are very blessed to have that….wish I did. Enjoy every moment!
I hit 15 months last week so I've just been starting to think about such things...if I ever figure it out, I'll let you know
I’ve been in a sober relationship and it seems I’m entering another. The feelings are intense. It is not for the faint of heart.
Both times the meeting was organic. There was no pursuit. No profiles or cheesy lines. When a compatible person makes their way into your life all you need to do is to be willing to let nature take its course. Forcing things in life or love has never worked for me. I am not in control of anyone else, and the more I try, the harder I fail, and the worse I feel.
Yeah I live alone for the first time in my life. Just the idea of dating seems to bring anxiety but it gets sad cooking for 1 all the time. However, I can add mushrooms & vegetables into my dinners again. Silver lining I guess 
Rock..... and ..... Roll
Don't rush anything because u feel pressure to do so... just keep yourself happy, if someone comes along that makes u happy go for it!!!
I'm going to give you my experience. But I will let you know ahead of time there are not many people swimming in this stream.
Before I started getting sober in 2002 I had a long history of getting involved with women. I met a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous back in 1992 or 1993. Against the advice of the other members we decided that a relationship was going to be the answer to all our problems. They were 6 of the most miserable years of my life.
Sometime in 2003 I met a man in the program who I asked to be my sponsor. We sat down and talked about my history of drinking and my whole life which included getting involved with women.
He asked me if I could give up getting involved with women. Just for a while until I could figure me out.
At the time, I thought it was the most ridiculous advice I had ever heard and I couldn't believe that he would ask me to give up something like getting involved with women.
Reluctantly, I complied with his request and for all the knowledge that I acquired about me during that time, to him I will be eternally grateful.
Most of us when we try to get sober, we really think that we know ourselves but we don't. Most alcoholics are actually very lonely which you admitted that you are. We don't know how to live by ourselves outside of any relationship. They call this being codependent which is a term that most people don't like.
In my situation, at that point in my life I had never actually lived in any place by myself where I was responsible for paying the bills and everything else. I started getting involved with different functions that caught my eye.
I took a class on personal finance because I didn't know diddly squat about money. I learned a lot. I also went to a 3 night seminar at my church.
Dating for marriage
Raising kids through marriage
And relighting the spark in your marriage.
These are not the kind of events that alcoholics take part in. LOL
I also started going up in the air to start some flight training.
I dated a few times but I didn't really getting involved with anyone too deeply. I didn't try to push things. I knew that when I found the right person I wouldn't have to push the situation at all. I would just know it.
In 2015 I found a woman online. She was a widow working in Hong-Kong. She was from the Philippines. We dated online for 2 and a 1/2 years before we finally met each other in person. A short time later I talked her into going back home to the Philippines to be with her kids.
Being a widow she was the sole provider and you can't make much money in the Philippines so that's why she was in Hong-Kong away from her kids. I went to go visit her 11 months later after the 1st visit at which time we had already begun the processing for the fiance Visa.
February of 2019 her and her 2 kids were on a plane coming here to the US. We got married March of 2015 and I am very happily married. I will always be grateful for the advice that my sponsor gave me.
Getting sober and starting all over can be very challenging.
Word to the wise;
Before you try to share your life with someone else, take the time to really understand who you are as a person. Loneliness pushes us into the wrong relationships and we never get a chance to find out who we really are and what we really like.
Successful relationships are built on stability. As an alcoholic I would be very cautious about getting involved with anyone who drinks alcohol in any amount.
Before you can find the right partner you have to know who you are and what your likes are and what your plans are. You have to be totally secure inside of yourself. You want to find the right person who has the same likes and interests as you do.
I would say no major decisions for the 1st year and give time, time. Figure out what you like to do and start getting active.
The 1st year should be all about getting sober and learning how to live life one day at a time without picking up a drink. Trust me when I tell you that a year from now you're going to be looking through a totally different set of lenses.
Many in recovery just switch to more acceptable addictions. Romantic love is common one. Just make sure your not getting into a relationship simply to feel better about yourself or because you’re afraid of being alone or because all your friends have partners.
So much to unpack here, Brit.
- it’s ok to feel anxious & insecure.
I just really want you to know that. This kind of falls into the category of “Bravery isn’t the absence of fear. . .” category BUT - you “got asked on a date by a guy that has asked you multiple times in the past”
I kinda read this one of two things. . .
Either he’s asked you out a bunch & you’ve said no numerous times because you weren’t interested OR he asked you out while you were dating someone, you told him you weren’t available & he proceeded to keep asking you out. If it’s either of those the dude sounds meh. - I don’t mean to overstep w this one but you kind of casually dropped that your ex was “being abusive as usual” - perhaps give yourself a little time.
You’re feeling good right now
You’re enjoying getting to know yourself
Those are pretty great places to be💪
I’ll keep it short and sweet. I’ve been wondering the same thing, how will sober dating work? I think at some point you just bite the bullet and go for it. We may be surprised how it turns out. Hey, at least you’ll be fully aware about how you feel about the situation and won’t make any drunken mistakes you have to deal with later. P.s. maybe I’m giving myself advice subliminally.
I’ve been afraid of that myself. I’m better at giving advice than taking it. Would you want the person you’re dating to be sober as well? For me, I’m not going to hold anyone else to that just because I’m living a sober life. I feel if I only went for sober women, I’d be cutting the dating pool by ALOT! When you’re ready, I think you’ll know. Just listen to what you’re gut is telling you…
They don’t need to necessarily be sober. Just not an abusive alcoholic like my ex. Having some beers with friends would be fine by me as long as they have goals, morals and are a gentleman. I just know that for myself-I cannot drink. All of my friends still drink. So, it’s kind of just on situational basis? If that makes sense.