Im still holding a lot of hate in my heart. I'm struggling letting go and forgiving not only others but myself
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Try to get a sponsor as soon as you can and start working the steps. They are a big help with what you're going through 
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I know that can be a particularly difficult one to step into, it was for me too. I find forgiveness to something that I have to remind myself is for me and my wellbeing, not theirs. I def. Agree that finding someone you can connect with and build a connection with that it's worth it to find your sponsor. Do you go to meetings at all? That's a good place to start and a great place to express and talk one on one with people, helping you to find an individual that over a little time you feel comfortable to share with and work the 12 steps because they really are an opening experience. You are not your mistakes nor are you any of your actions of your past. They don't define you as you're not still constantly indulging in them. It's not always, forgiveness. I'm still working on it too especially self forgiveness but the fact that you're here, reaching out and expressing you're struggle proves you want to and are ready to work on letting go. You're ready, find a sponsor and she will be a very healthy good person in your life. One to turn to in hard, bad and even good times and have serious and happy conversations. Let us know how the sponsor search goes. We're here to support you. You deserve to be happy and the way you're reaching out and searching, you will find it. Peace be with you.
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Forgiving Our selves is not easy. Or others. Holding onto that energy is draining. You deserve to be happy. Be proud of where you are today. It’ll get easier.
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I agree with a bunch of what was written. Working the steps with a sponsor brought great relief of the angst that I was holding onto. I learned that true sobriety/recovery comes after working from the inside out, one step at a team, in the order they are written. Each step builds on the other. And a sponsor who has completely worked the steps, guides me through them.
I hope that you are sick and tired of being sick and tired that you will try something new and take suggestion. If you truly give all your effort to work a simple, not easy, program and you get no relief, you can always get the misery back.
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It's the worst feeling - it makes me sick everyday
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Sarah, I pray for you to rise above the darkness. I consider my darkness the ego. It wants me dead but will settle for my misery.
I have practice of daily prayer and meditation to shift from ego (hatred) to soul (love). I pray for the people I seem to hate to have love, peace and success. I know it sounds crazy, but it works.
Are you working with a sponsor?
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I completely feel that
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Maybe I can help. I spent years struggling with the same thing. But I couldn’t label it as hate or unforgiveness. I was just lost in it, stuck without even knowing why.
But the fact that you have awareness, is such a huge step already. You can name it, and now you can work on healing it.
You don’t have to fix it all at once. Start small. Pick one moment, one memory, or one regret. Talk it through with someone, make a post, tell a friend, a sponsor, or therapist. Say it out loud. Then own it. Forgive them and yourself. And then let it go. Our minds LOVE to remind us of the past but that’s when you stop them thoughts dead in there tracks and tell yourself…. NO, I’ve already forgiven myself, I’m worthy of forgiveness and I will not keep living a debt to my past.
Something that helped me was calming my nervous system. I’d place my hands on my cheeks, or hug myself, and say: “You’re safe now. And I love you’ That’s a form of somatic therapy, something you might want to look into.
Youre already years ahead of where I was proud of you.
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You gotta understand you were definitely not yourself when you were using. You cannot beat yourself up or blame yourself. You were not the same person. Keep your head up. You got this.
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Hardest part for me after getting sober was forgiving myself but with enough practice doing positive things, you eventually realize you deserve forgiveness, it’ll come, just keep working at it
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Congratulations on your sobriety! I had/have the same issue. I use affirmation meditation and give pple the benefit of the doubt they didn’t know any better. Be a good person, spread loving kindness and leave the past in the past. That’s what works for me. I have a list of “I will…” statements I use everyday. Like… “I will release my worries, fears, and anxiety.” “I will see the good around me.”I will create my desire destination.” “I will let go of thoughts that do not serve me.” “ I choose peace over chaos.” “I will not judge myself and others.”
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It's all part of the process. Push out the bad and bring in good. It gets better I promise. See every down moment as a opportunity not a obstacle. Your mind is your greatest weapon, train it. You got this!
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Let go
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Stand tall. And fight. Refusing to give up or lay down.
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How is your journey going? I'm thinking of making a list of persons and things that I need to forgive, and praying for help in forgiving at night.
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There are some people who your amends should only be to walk away. It's not always forever.
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I feel you, sometimes that's such a trigger. I can get stuck between the hatred in my heart for my past failures and the ones who quit on me. Not to mention the shame I can feel so suddenly from the stupid things I've done to hurt people I loved.
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I feel like forgiving myself is the hardest thing I very low self-esteem and I carry a lot of grief. I truly don't think I can really forgive others though until I do forgive myself. I know the past doesn't define me it's still hard to get past somethings
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