I am addicted to Crack

Recovery
#1

Ugh.. that was so hard to write. This is the first time I am saying what substance I am addicted to. I am afraid of being judged by others who think people who do harder drugs are bad people. But I feel I need to stop hiding.

How did I get here?
Once again, It’s my inability to say no to my partner. This has been an issue for me in the past, even going back 17 years when my ex who did a similar thing and we both ended up addicted to heroin.

When my fiancé moved in with me, 6 years ago, I was still addicted to heroin after a relapse. I was able to get clean in 2017, but several months ago, he started having health issues and intense fear of getting diagnosed.. he was then in a motorcycle accident in October and soon after, he was doing drugs and lying to me.

I am the type of addict that will do any substance.. I can’t be around drugs at all. So, as much as I begged him not to get it, once it was there, I couldn’t wait to do it. As it goes, at first it was on occasion, but eventually it was on weekends and then bled into weekdays, severely affecting his job and our relationship.

A few months ago, I became a willing participant and started asking him to get some on days that he wasn’t going to.
The strange part is that I don’t even really like using this particular drug cause the ‘feel good’ time is very small and the come down is very large. But I still fiend it regardless.
It’s really hard stopping a drug when a couple is addicted cause both need to be on the same page at all times.. all it takes is for one of us to have a relapse and we both do.

Making it even more difficult, we live in a very small studio apartment so there is no living room or space to get away from each other, if need be.

So yea that’s my story. I hope I don’t regret posting this. I feel very exposed.. as If someone I know might see this and tell my whole family or something.

Anyway.. today will be day 5. Every day has been extremely difficult for me, but this app does help.. talking to people helps a lot

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#2

We are only as sick as our secrets. The truth will set you free. That was very courageous of you! Keep making one good choice after another. Pause when something doesn’t feel right. Reach out when you feel your addiction is overpowering what you know deep down inside is the right thing to do. Take it it one day at a time. Shame sux! I got it too

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#3

Your headed the right direction Irene. Tapping into your spirituality will really help you. It is what help me push through.

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#4

Thank you for sharing & your vulnerability :purple_heart::purple_heart::purple_heart:

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#5

This is a safe, judgment free zone. You are going to be okay!

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#6

A drug is a drug. Alcohol is a drug. Any substance that removes you from reality is a drug. Welcome and glad you admitting who you are. We are all in the same boat.

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#7

Thank you for sharing and being so honest. Have you ever thought about going into a rehab program? That was the only thing that helped me stop a very strong alcohol addiction. Just a thought. Keep sharing. I know for me it helps to be open and honest. Good luck stay strong.

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#8

Thank you :pray:

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#9

:heart::pray:

#10

Thank you. It does feel like a safe place but it’s so hard to trust people

#11

Thanks :slight_smile:

#12

I have been considering an outpatient program, but I never found them much help in the past. I’m not sure if they are the same every where but here, the ratings are really bad and full of complaints. But still considering..

#13

Secrets are built from fear. Fear is the root of all evil. Not just a saying. Something I believe. The addicted mind can be a gift. You’re a survivor. I’m of the belief that all addicts are survivors.

I pray and meditate daily. I return to the breath as often as possible. Sometimes my entire day is a practice in breathing deeply and exhaling slowly. 1 day, 1 hour, 1 minute, 1 second at a time.

Forgive yourself; you’re worth it.

#14

There is no judgment here. You are a warrior! Never forget that. Just keep doing the next right thing. Your sobriety and getting clean is the most important thing right now. Keep your head up, we got you girl.

#15

Honesty is the key. Irene, I think we had some common problems. I had multiple ongoing addictions. It’s really tough. I managed every part of my life with drugs for 25+ years. Learning how to live without takes time.

1 Like
#16

Keep sharing, we all care

#17

No judgement from us. We're all in this together. My drug of choice was alcohol, yours is crack. Both do a lot of damage to our lives. I'm proud of you for admitting you have a problem....13 months sober now. I had no clue that Iife could be this good. You can have it too

#18

Not to sound harsh but even if you do outpatient there is still the elephant in the room. Is your partner willing/wanting to stop. To be a true partner he needs to quit also or you will end up right back where you were. That’s how I was with my ex wife. She couldn’t quit drinking daily and I quit. We didn’t make it a year and now we are divorced. I wish you the best and hope you find the right answer. God bless

#19

Me too. I’m addicted to crack also. And it took several years without using to be able to say that to people who are not addicts. It was always suger coated as coke. Not that that is really making it any less than crack but still in my mind it sounded better. I’ve almost three years without using. Went to in patient treatment for thirty days, got home and went to a meeting the same day. Dug hard into meetings to find a sponsor, got heavy into the steps, even though I flailed through them I stayed sober. Starting sponsoring other guys and my entire life and way of thinking changes. My partner at the time drank socially. She moved all alcohol out of the house and i was so grateful at the time. Today I bought a twelve pack of beer for some guys that work for me without even thinking about it. I can’t imagine dating another addict. Not because I’m better than anyone but because I’m enough to handle myself. I still have thoughts of getting high and the other things that go along with it but I tell the people in my life that I’m vulnerable with. That I can trust to be absolutely transparent with. That is not everyone! Not everyone will treat me with the same honor and respect. But I’ve found several that will and they are my core group. Still go to meetings. Still love the steps. Still invest in other alcoholics and addicts. It’s not perfect but I’m still sober. I’m addicted to crack too. Thank you for your honesty and trusting us with your most treasured secret.

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#20

:heart::heart:thank you for your transparency I also am addicted to multiple substances and you r post just comforted me to know there’s a support system with other I can identify with

1 Like