I am feeling really uncomfortable with my home group right

Recovery
#1

I am feeling really uncomfortable with my home group right now after an incident with a group chat yesterday. I didn’t realize so many of them are still so immature and egotistical. They behaved inappropriately and made me uncomfortable. I left the group chat and some of them were upset with me. I have tack and boundaries. They crossed my boundaries and are upset AT me for enforcing them.

The entire thing has made me realize I’ve yet again, misjudged people when I thought my discernment skills were improving. They aren’t. I feel disgusted by a large amount of my home group. I have to attend the group conscious tonight and I really think I’m skipping it.

It’s that serious in my mind. I need distance. Thank goodness my home group is virtual so I can just try to get to more in person meetings. The problem is they are 99 percent of my social circle when I see them in person or get rides to meetings.

I just, need a break from people right now maybe? Has anyone else dealt with seeing a large portion of their groups true personalities and how did you manage that if it was something you had a problem with?

My sponsor is telling me to just stop talking to those people, but I met her there. That is not actually feasible if I want to continue in that meeting. It’s that many of them. I feel extremely let down right now and discouraged.

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#2

To thine own self be true... says it on the back of every coin. I AM that guy in the room that doesn't go with the flow of what the crowd says... a lot of the fellowship can be total bs...I'm assuming it's AA?

Ask them how what they said squares with "Love and Tolerance is our Code" And for you, if you hear anything in the rooms that you can't quite seem to square with that phrase, simply disregard it.

I have found answers to common mistakes AA members consistently repeat.

Other AA conference approved literature they have most likely not bothered to read... they just parrot the ego's of those who have come before them... if you want specific help.. I can probably help.. I've read every word AA has ever published in 1 year and 8 months...

Good luck, don't be afraid to ask for help, I'm willing to help people navigate this very sick fellowship at times

#3

Thank you. It’s NA. When I said something to that effect. Love etc. Then someone throws back”principles before principles”

I said, that doesn’t apply here because this is an outside the group issue. The person tried to make it seem like I was in the wrong! But a boundary was extremely crossed. Someone was openly overly sexual in their group chat messages and I refuse to put up with that.

I know I need to be flexible but I can’t in this instance.

#4

They don't even know what that means, that's what's bullshit lol.. I found where Bill explains it in either the book Language of the Heart , or Our Great Responsibility... but he describes the essence of that phrase... and it's not what these people were saying.

#5

If you can get your hands on a copy of "our great responsibility " check out page 196.

Principles before personalities is referring to tradition 1, and how our common welfare comes first.. and that welfare is in unity around the steps as it is a solution to our common problem.

Any sexual remark is not In our common welfare.. and no matter how popular the guy or girl is who made that remark - needs to be put in line, reminded that isn't what we're here to talk about, and when you do, you jeopardize the unity that binds us and saves us all.

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#6

Yeah I realize I didn’t type personalities. Glad you knew what I meant.

#7

Anytime there are groups of people there is some nonsense. People just peopling. Don't take it personally. Just do what you need to do.

Personally I think humans are just not meant to communicate so gotdang much.

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#8

I didn't understand what home group meant at first because I dont go to group meetings and to each is own on how they need to recover :100:. But what you explained affirms my decision on why I'm a loner in this process. All the he said she said along with I'd assume maybe ppl hooking up here n there? I have zero energy for that. It's almost a distraction from why you are even there. So I don't blame you one bit. I'd find a whole new group all together or just do online. But not everyone is a introvert like me. It just seems very highschool to me.

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#9

I can relate! I think this is normal. I found in my experience that my tolerance level fluctuates as time goes on. If you keep doing the work, eventually other people’s antics don’t matter so much. Give yourself a break if you need one! Go check out some other meetings! Maybe you’re just looking to grow in a new direction.

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#10

I apologize if what I said deterred you from seeking groups. This is my individual experience and might not be yours. And this was with one group. Not all. I did not think of the consequences of my posting my rant might have on newcomers.

I will take it down if the app lets me. This was not my intention and I REALLY hope you go and form your own conclusions PLEASE.

This is one tiny incident. As a whole NA saved my life. I’ve shared at a convention earlier this month. It’s helped me more than not. I beg you to please form your own opinions based on your experiences.

#11

Well, you can always change home groups and I’m sorry that stuff happened to make you feel uncomfortable because that’s not what sobriety is about. My name is Mike if you would like to call me and talk to me my number is 727479-4288 and I might be able to help you walk through the process, I’ve had people From AA not treat me totally right. I’ve been in AA for 30 years that’s where you have to walk out that one idea it’s not about personalities but about principles and ignore those who are toxic. I hang out with people who are winners and not people just there to get papers signed

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#12

Never let anyone else take you away from a meeting. Pick out what you can use and use the rest to learn what not to do! Everything has a spiritual application!

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#13

Man that's awful. Can you just beat their a$$e$ and leave it at that? That's probably not the most serene approach though. Can you find a different home group?

Their actions, while not acceptable, are not your fault as you know but I thought I'd state it.

I'm sorry you experienced this for sure.

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#14

I have seen the same thing happen. More than once sadly. The 1st time it was a large portion of the group... 25-40%... (Been a decade). I left the group because it was obvious I was wrong for having boundaries and those weren't going to change. The other time it happened I went to other meetings for a while and spoke about it individually with a few people and most of the folks I disagreed with left or got in line rather quickly so I was able to return without issue.

#15

Don't knock your discernment. It may not be that you aren't getting better at it but just that by chance you hit some turbulence. It happens. At the end of the day, it is important AH in my mind that you don't blame yourself. Trusting others is one thing g but trusting one's self is so important. Don't let a few folks with opposing views change that. We can't all be at the same stage in life. That would be boring.

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#16

Well said. The paper signers often got things so effed up.

#17

I think I am leaning towards growing elsewhere too. The group conscious unfortunately went negatively. It’s a long story. My feeling is to search for another home group. I can still speak to the people i consider my friends and see them occasionally at other meetings. The problem is, I have pretty involved service commitments to this group. I am in charge of field trips. I research other virtual meetings and twice a month we go as a group. I send out group text reminders. It’s fun or it was. I feel bad for letting down those I care for there.

I have to think about it some more. I definitely need distance though.

#18

While I appreciate your comments and sharing your experience, I do not text people from this app. I keep it to to app. I appreciate it. Thank you.

#19

The cool thing about these organizations is that they go on. There will be someone who can fill that position. There always is.

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#20

I left, never to return.