My 23 year child is really struggling right now. I’m scared. Last night they sounded so sad, depressed, angry, and overwhelmed with life. All I can do is listen. Any attempt to offer help or comfort gets shot down with anger and blame. They acknowledge that they need to work thru it, but put the blame on my wife and I, our generation, the generation before us, the government etc.. So, I’ve learned to listen. It’s horrible to sit and listen to my kid talk about their pain, and their troubles. They are in therapy and do take meds. They are an adult, so I’m not privy to how that is all going. I just don’t know what to do. My wife is a basket case as well. Our past failures (my addictions and my wife’s childhood issues) most certainly had an impact on our abilities to emotionally support our kids during their childhood. We have worked hard on forgiving ourselves and each other. We have moved on and are in a much better place. However, our kid hasn’t moved on, and throws a ton of anger and blame our way. I’m trying to remain somewhat emotionally stable so that I can function on a day to day basis. Then I come home and have to emotionally support my wife as well. I have y’all, and my friends in the fellowship. My wife just has me. It’s a lot. I need to be present for her. In the process of working my steps, I saw my pattern of avoiding any and all conflicts. I couldn’t deal with my own feelings let alone hers. So I escaped reality with my addictions and left her to handle it all on her own. I choose not to be that person anymore. I’m grateful to be sober today. I’m grateful to have a program to help me manage thru these difficult times, but I hate feeling like this! I’m mad as heck. I’m scared. I’m waiting to hear from my child today. I just want to hear that that they are ok. I want to tell them I love them and that everything will be alright. I hate feelings. This is why I used. This is why I hate to be present. This is why I don’t want to love and be attached to anyone or anything. Sorry for the vent. I’m just so scared. What if If god’s will is not my will?? I can’t even begin to imagine
I’m a double program person myself. I also work the ACA program that deals with being an Adult child of alcoholics and living in a chaotic childhood family. It heals trauma associated with growing up in this sort of family. It has been an absolute miracle. Just like the alcoholic, family members have an opportunity to do the work to heal from the effects of alcohol and childhood trauma. It becomes the disease that they have the choice to get healthy from. It took away most of my depression, anxiety, anger and other unsavory behaviors and mental afflictions. Suggestion….. buy a big red book of ACA and read the 14 traits and see if you or others close to you suffer from them. There is hope and help
I don't even know what "gods will" is. All I know is people are people and people are weird and difficult to understand. Complicated. Even the simplest ones are complicated. We have so many hang ups on so many things that make it impossible to understand eachother sometimes. It's amazing that we haven't melted the world yet.
There is nothing you can really do, except what you're already doing, and accept that it sucks but that's the way it is. Be present, listen etc but also don't beat yourself up. Your kid is a grown up. They haven't let go yet. It sucks but it is not your problem, really. They, like you, are responsible for their reactions. You have changed your life, and if they aren't able to find comfort in that yet, then you can't do anything more. Throwing blame is nonsense. No offense but maybe your kid is just being an a$$hole right now.
Hang in there SoFlo.
Hey bud… hope you are feeling lighter after the rant. I always feel better after getting shite off my chest.
I get you being scared, and angry. I feel that all the time with my own kids. They are angry and placing blame. But just like we were in addiction, we needed people to love us until we loved ourselves. And we didn’t get it until we wanted to for ourselves. All you can do is be there as a parent, an ear, possibly the voice of reason.
As far as your wife, has she been to ALANON? The few people I know who have gone says it works wonders, and helped them out immensely. Hope all goes well my friend.
Every time you show up for your child it will slowly build the trust back. You are doing the right thing by staying clean and clearheaded, just let them see you are going to continue to be a supportive father moving forward, it’s a good building block for the rest of the work. Stay strong friend❤️
Thanks y’all!! I really appreciate the support. It really does help to share. Coincidentally I got a few calls today from some A.A. buddies that called just to say hi. Everyone got an earful today lol. I’m really grateful to have a program to live by today. It doesn’t make life easy or take away the stress, but it does make life a lot more manageable. Wishing y’all a blessed and sober evening
I’m so sorry you, your wife and child are having a difficult time. Just keep doing the next right thing. You seem to work a very strong program, and your words of support always lift me up when I am down. You have the tools, and you are doing all the right things. Will say a prayer for you and your family.
Hang in there Brother! Keep praying for his healing. I’ll pray for him as well.
God, I come to you in prayer, to bring joy to Lee’s son, to soften his heart to get to know you, to see the truth and to heal from his internal wounds. Lord I ask you all of these things not because I know what’s best but because you are almighty and I give you all the glory, Amen. Love you Brother!
I'm sorry I can only offer prayers 
Lee I’m sorry you’re going through all of this. I went through major issues and still am, with my oldest. I know the feeling of just wanting to hear their voice and know they are alive. It is horrible. Then when you hear their voice it is only to scream, yell, and blame.
The approach I took and am still taking is what I learned in the rooms. As far as the impact on my family, I simply observe the first tradition. Our common welfare was being destroyed. I had to let her go. Not easy.
As for the blaming, things were made up out of whole cloth to blame her mother and I.
With that I finally stopped arguing and asked the simple question. “Even if this is all true, what are you going to do about it? Lay there and wallow in your defeat? Because of some apparent circumstance? Or pick yourself up, overcome, and make your own way?”
None of it is easy.
IM me if you want to dig deeper. There is a solution.
All we can do is all we can do! Your presence is sometimes all you can offer….and sometimes it’s all that is needed. Stay strong bro!
I can relate and please feel free to reach out if you ever want to talk. I had a crisis of faith in regards to this when I placed my son in the hands of god and he took him home to heaven and I even relapsed but today I am back and stronger in my faith then ever - too much to share like this but always willing to if you want to hear it like I said message me and I’ll shoot you my number.
Thanks for sharing, keep the faith and stay strong.
Sorry to hear that you are going thru all of those feelings. You have given me great advice before. I can say just keep doing your best for your wife and child. And always be there for them. Is a lot to carry on yourself. Stay strong and positive.
Have you ever just asked your kid: what can we do to support you? Is there any way you think we can make up for XYZ things that have happened? We love you and want you in our life”
I would personally recommend that you ask him beforehand that you have a serious conversation you want to have with him and if he prefers text or talking. Some times immediate texting can be easier to process as it allows the kid to sit and think (especially if they are neurodivergent like me). Just an idea. The delivery can be really important
Thoughts are with you.
Hey brother, my heart goes out to all three of you. I don't know that I have much to offer on wisdom, but I do wish for your child to get feeling better soon, and you and your wife as well. It's awesome that you're staying strong, even when it hurts so much. That is good testament to your character, and the love you have for your family. I really hope this turns better soon man, and will speak some quiet prayers on your behalf.a
Thanks again for all the support. I’m typically much better about giving than receiving, but y’all really helped me today.
Thank you for sharing your pain. I wish I had the right words for you. I’m here to listen. Hugs.
IM IN AGREEMENT and Encourage you to be a LONGTERM THINKER. What feels like DOOMSDAY TODAY will be different tomorrow.. By you taking OWNERSHIP AND RESPONSIBILITY of your RECOVERY. And being patient with YOURSELF and your current Family situation. THINGS WILL CHANGE FOR YOU. IM IN YEAR 36 AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME PRETTY TOUGH THINGS around my Family. Do you like reading. I can suggest a few books to help you
Nothing worse than seeing your kid in pain when all you want to do is take it away. Hoping they find the same strength you did. Remember, we pass positive things on to our kids too. Cheers.