I kind of feel like throwing it all away. I kind of want the hurt and disappointment. I kind of want to watch myself break again. I want to burn it all down. I absolutely hate myself. I want isolation so I can self destruct in peace. I can't understand this stupid little nagging spark of hope that tells me to keep holding on. I wish I could just let it go. I want to be with my son. I hate this world. I'm tired of screaming into pillows and downplaying my grief to make people more comfortable. I'm shattered and I don't know if I want to put myself back together.
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Kristin, That spark of hope you are feeling is the spark that a lot of us felt at the beginning of recovery. Keep adding days to it, and the spark turns to a flame. The goal is to get to the bonfire. Don't try to make others comfortable. Recovery is a selfish program at the beginning. You have to make yourself a priority until you feel like the ground below you is solid. I got clean for my children. I was tired of disappointing them with one thing after another. I wanted to be the strong mom I knew I could be. The only way to meet that goal was sobriety. I was disgusted with myself at the beginning of recovery, so I did it for my girls. Do it for your son, so you can be with him. Be a mom he will be proud of. This is a 24 hour program. You just have to hang on for one 24 hour period at a time. If you fall down, just get back up, and start over. Sending you hugs.
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Kristin, I hope you call one of the hotlines to talk to someone; please call the suicide hotline. You’re not in a good place inside your head right now.
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I appreciate your words. You are a very kind person. Unfortunately my son passed away last August and I just find it impossible to to climb out of the deep void he left behind sometimes. I'm just in a dark place.
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I appreciate your concern. I am feeling a little better than I did last night. Thank you for commenting 
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I’m so sorry you lost your son! Losing a child is an unimaginable tragedy! And you feel like falling apart, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Who could blame you? But don’t forget to be kind to yourself please. Don’t try to escape by drinking or using. Give your future self a chance. No, your son won’t come back, and right now it might seem that there is no future worth living for. Just try to have faith that there is, and cry and scream as hard as you need for now. Sending you virtual hugs, and best wishes…be safe!
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Thank you so much. It's really hard not to try to escape feeling this mess, but I know it just compounds my grief when I try to numb it. I'm going to keep on trying for now at least. One day at a time, right.
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Yes, stay in the moment! Hold on, don’t lose yourself! You got this!
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I lost my dad last summer. Everyday I think of how proud he’d be when I add another day to sobriety.
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I'm sorry you lost your dad. I lost mine too at the end of 2019. It sucks. I don't deal with death very well. I try to get in the mindset of trying to make all the people I've lost proud. I think maybe if I could just become a decent enough person that I could be worthy of seeing them again in whatever life comes after this one. That would at least give some kind of purpose to all if this suffering. Sometimes though, I just can't do anything but fold up into a ball of self pity and self loathing. I'm trying though I swear to god I just don't want to be this worthless pile of garbage anymore. It's hard to be a person. I just wish I could've opted out before ever being born.
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I love that perspective, living your life in honor of the people you lost. That’s exactly what they would want you to do. I know it seems impossible at the moment, but if you don’t give up on yourself you’ll get there eventually. I totally believe you can!
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Thank you
You're worth it! It's that simple.
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I have felt how you feel...I guarantee you this...that feeling is temporary...ride the wave...
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Hey Kristin: I haven't suffered the losses that you have. But I DO when my addiction is trying to play me. That voice that you're hearing, the loud one, is you head. The quiet one is your heart. Please listen to your heart, and get thru another day with us? It's get better. It truly does. If it didn't, then none of us would here; we'd all be out using or dead. Please hold on. As someone else said "You're worth it." 
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Feed that spark! Keep fighting! Feel all your feelings, healing is in feelings! Scream, cry, throw things, who cares. Fight another day! Sending a lot of healing energy your way! 
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I'm here if you ever want to talk. I understand how frustrating this is. Keep your hope recovery sister you have this.
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Thanks y'all. I'm feeling a little embarrassed about airing my dirty laundry, but also very appreciative of this community. I'm unfortunately going to have to reset my sober clock, but I am not giving up.
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No shame in honesty. Sorry you’re feeling not great, Kristin. Keep being honest; keep calling out when you need help; keep giving yourself a chance at a better day tomorrow.
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I lost my son right before his 2nd birthday I know the pain you feel but it does get better if you put in the work it doesn’t heal but we learn to accept that nothing happens in gods world by mistake and as much as it hurts now it will be ten times better if you just keep that spark of hope alive hold onto it for dear life and pray for guidance from your higher power and lean on your support in the program it gets better I promise and if no one’s told you today I love you and your an amazingly strong women for still fighting
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