I’m having a hard time in my marriage. I thought that once we got sober our problems would disappear lol. I will be sober for two years this June and have mentally made my sobriety date also a date to make the decision if I’m going to stay in my marriage. He doesn’t know this of course. My husband has become such an angry person since stopping alcohol. Anytime we have an argument he threatens me with going to go and drink. We have been together going on 20 years this July and I do love him. I’m just not sure if I’m in love with him anymore. He only sees his way and if I tell him my feelings, I’m wrong. I’m terrified because each day that passes I’m closer to decision day. I wish he would try A program but he refuses.any advice?
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I feel for you Holly and I wish I had a done advise. It seems your husband needs to do some work to heal but hasn’t started?
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It sounds like he is dry drunk, and didn’t get sober for himself. We can’t force, barter, beg, or make deals with those who chose not to get everything they can from sobriety. You can only make sure YOU are safe and secure. 20 years is a long time, but really if it is not a loving and safe environment, why would you stay? If he is using drinking as a threat that is on him, and it is manipulative. I wish you luck in your decision. Pray, meditate, anything you do to help in your program.
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Well I hear yah I was married for 23 yrs. I fell out of love not appreciated, not acknowledge, and no love arguments all the time. Sad but true. Ask me what I know today. I would have tried to save my marriage gone to counseling my husband tried I walked out thought I knew it all. What happened I became an A true Alcoholic. I spiraled down to my bottom great for a while but I began drinking and using a lot trying to fill a void in my life. This is a true story ask me what I know today. Greatful for life’s lessons. I’m at peace in my life. Clean an Sober. No drama , no chaos, peaceful I surround myself with meetings, friends, relationships my Bulldog , my sponsor and positive people and my family of course. Today I have a good relationship with my X. He has his life I have mine. Hope this helps.. pray , pray again and pray some more . Ask for direction and you will see if it’s meant to be then it is. If not,do you boo. Take care, stay strong, don’t drink it’s not worth it. Best wishes:purple_heart: Now y’all know some of my story.
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Share your feelings with him in a loving and caring way. Let him know you are concerned for him, and that you want him to be happy and healthy regardless of your future marital status. Ask him if there’s anything you can do to help him. Let him know that it’s his choice whether or not to get help, and that you will love and support him if he chooses to get help. OTOH, if he chooses not to get help, then let him know you can’t continue with the relationship. If you don’t feel safe, then do this in front of a marriage counselor. I don’t know your financial situation, but if you can swing it, I’d buy him some counseling sessions for Valentine’s Day…either individual or together.
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Thank you so much for sharing. I almost feel terrified, he’s all I’ve ever known. Can you relate?
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I will take your advice and start looking for someone we can both see. Although in the past I have asked him to go to marriage counseling , He always says that he doesn’t have time for it. Maybe just maybe if I were to pre-purchase time with a counselor, he’d actually go🙏 thank you so much for your advice.
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That is exactly what I’m doing… begging! He will to better for a bit and then go back to his old ways. I know what you’re saying is true… I just can’t get my heart to listen to what my brain already knows. Thank you for your input…I really do appreciate it .
I totally relate I was a home mom for 19yrs raising my 4 kids all grown by the Grace of God. But my husband was the sole provider in our family. It wasn’t until they all graduated then I left the nest. Having no gratitude just wanting to love me for who I was. The only regret I have is no counseling. Could have helped but today I know God has a plan and he does for you too. Love and tolerance. This too shall pass. Good luck:purple_heart:
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Thank you 
This is tough to read. I hope you and your husband are able to find common ground. Unfortunately, I ultimately had to leave my marriage. I couldn’t stay sober being in the marriage and he had no desire to stop drinking, go to counseling, etc. It was difficult leaving, but now when I honestly look at our relationship, it was for the best. I surround myself with people who are positive and like minded. Unfortunately, couples grow apart and when it’s only one sided; one person wanting to make changes, it doesn’t always work out the way we hope. Nonetheless, continue to take care of your own sobriety.
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Thank you for your advice and kind words
Sadly, this isn’t uncommon. When two people get sober together after long periods of using together they realize they don’t know their real partner. Just remember only one thing matters above everything else, staying sober.
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I felt what you said … it’s like we are two different people now the addiction changed us . He is definitely not the man I fell in love with 20 years ago. Not even close! Thank you for your input and kind words
You say he has become an angry person since he quit drinking.
Does he have any recovery program going on?
What do you get when you get a horse thief sober?
A sober horse thief.
Alcohol was but a symptom of our problem. We have to get down the causes and conditions.
If your husband is angry all the time since he quit drinking there's a good chance he will eventually pick up a drink.
Putting the cap on the bottle is only the first step.
I highly recommend the both of you start going to AA meetings and get into the steps.
If you do this, the AA promises will start to come true for both you and your husband.
Do these promises sound like something you and your husband need to come true in your life?
If so,
Meetings, meetings, meetings.
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I am in Aa and have been a secretary for over a year:pray:I have tried and tried to get him to go… He refuses! I thank God for Aa and the friends who have become my family. And… well AA has kept me sober along with my higher power and the work I do daily 
Thank you for your advice… you hit the nail on the head! You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink:slightly_frowning_face: I love my husband and we have built a life together. I can’t walk away without knowing I’ve tried everything in my power to make this work.
My ex wife and I were together for 8 years when we split. We fell out of love years before I finally called it off. That was when my drinking ramped up to 11. It sounds like he's a "dry drunk". Being sober is different then being in recovery. You have to make the best decision for your heart and your recovery. Everyone can give you their opinions but the decision is all yours. Him threatening to drink it a total mind f. That's really not cool to put that on you. Keep reaching out on here or to any other support you have. Talk about your struggles at meetings or with your sponsor. I wish you the best.
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The other thing that I have to tell you is,
I would never, ever encourage anyone to get divorced unless their spouse cheated on them. That is the only grounds for divorce that my Bible supports. Having said that, many people after getting sober have found out that they couldn't live with each other any longer.
They met when they were drinking, they drank all their lives and then the drinking became a problem for someone who was forced in to giving it up. But now we are faced with another problem. One spouse has lost their drinking partner. What are they to do ?
I've seen many couples separate and eventually get divorced after all these events unfolded.
Sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons which later can have consequences.
Sometimes people get married too soon without really getting to know each other. Sometimes people get married because they are codependent or they have no stability in their lives.
Only you and your husband can figure this out.
But it sounds to me like your husband is the one that needs to figure out how to get happy.
They do have programs for people that have someone in the family who is alcoholic.
Alanon
It's a family disease.
Right on Jay
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I have same issue here my husband drinks as I am trying to get sober … I found Al anon as a great resource .. although he is not drinking this might help you !!!