I’m really struggling with letting go of my ex husband. I was a terrible person to him and he stuck by me for years and I could never get sober. Now that I’m finally sober, I can’t stop fixating on him and the past. He has moved on and is living with someone but we still have ties and still keep in touch with each others families. Anyone have any words of advise? I’ve been watching self help videos to get over him and start individual therapy, finally this week. I’ve been in outpatient therapy for 4 months now.
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So I’m the one that is at home trying to move on. I would suggest that you continue to work with your sponsor thru the steps and see where it goes. Stay out of the way and let the process work. I know I really struggle to trust anything she says, and I don’t think it can ever go back to what it was. Since there was so much hurt over the years. I only hope to find someone kind, that I can trust.
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Hey girl, check out SLAA The 8 Core Documents of S.L.A.A. – Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (S.L.A.A.)
Might help to do some self help while you’re waiting for counseling. When you get better you’ll meet someone else! He’s not the only fish in the sea. Give this time to yourself for inner work! 
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For me, I had to let go of some people, places, and things. Furthermore, just as I had to totally abstain from drinking, I had to totally abstain from certain individuals and a lifestyle that no longer served me as I started on my recovery journey. I did it for my sanity because one little text, phone call, or social media contact started me down a obsessive compulsive path. I was jonesing for the outside validation of others. It was just as difficult to abstain from some of these things than it was for substances. Truthfully it was more difficult. 17 months later i still have thoughts of certain people and situations even though I’ve completely abstained. For me, these “addictions” are all wrapped together. As I work the 12 steps, go to therapy, etc, I’m able to slowly resolve some childhood issues which lead to my never ending desire to escape my feelings and reality. I’m not telling you what to do. I share my story in case it resonates with you and others, and offer my experiences in hopes it helps someone
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Thank you for your insight. Right time and the right read. 
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I don’t have a problem with therapy and AA, there are some issues AA doesn’t help enough with that the professional helpers can. I have both an addiction specialist and attend AA I also have an expert world class therapist for grief and healing after my wife’s death by suicide a year ago. You are worth the help you want and need. AA honors the professionals work with alcoholics and no AA is really supposed to offer medical advice.
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I’m going through a very similar situation right now. I didn’t want to hear this, but grieving just takes time. I focus on myself and let myself cry when I need to get it out. I’m considering therapy, but I’m moving soon so it will have to wait. Quick statistic I found researching how to get over heartbreak… 40% of people are measurably depressed after a breakup. Staying connected to my Higher Power and working my steps is giving me some measure of peace.
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I went through this too. I would have done anything for her but by the time I actually put those thoughts into action it was too late. My journey into sobriety and through the steps has brought me much understanding of my role in everything and today I have a great appreciation for the person that she is. Perhaps there might always feel like there’s some unfinished business between us. But she has moved on and my journey is down a different path. We had a wonderful relationship at one time and nothing can take that away. But I need to be ready for what amazing thing comes next. And I can only do that by doing my very best right now with those things which I can control. Better days are ahead if I choose them to be. Keep working on you and you’ll surprise even yourself!!!!
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Same boat...loved the encore and can't wait for the "main" being a better person will attract a better person...hope so neways!
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Very well said Sonia!!!
My sponsor told me to delete my then girlfriend’s number when I got serious about getting sober. I was beat down and suicidal. He didn’t tell me to delete her number because she was a bad person, he told me to do so because I was going to change. My whole life has changed. The then girlfriend became my wife and I am now divorced from the same woman. It has been a five year emotional struggle. I accepted my part in the demise of our relationship. I also agree Soberin, it caused me to deepen my faith in my higher power and deal with new emotions I was experiencing because I couldn’t get f-Ed up anymore and dull them. When you are going through it, the shame, remorse, mind chatter is debilitating; but it takes time and you will get on the other side. Don’t sell your higher power short either, I continue to be of service and seek. Recently after pretty much being alone (my marriage was long distance, I met my ex-wife while living in another country) for the better part of the last two plus year, I recently met a lady in recovery and we are taking it slow but she understands recovery and has been a blessing. I never thought I would see past that hardship, but I work on my faith now because my higher powers plan is always better than the one I create. Hang in there and hopefully that helps. I always say emotional sobriety is the hardest part of this journey.
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Well...meant opening act! Lol...ya got the just neways
Jist...ugh autocorrect
Yes, move on.
Unless you have children together, you need to cut ties with family too. It sounds to me like it would be a good idea for you to live by yourself for a good while and learn about you.. Stay away from men for right now. My sponsor gave me the same advice when I 1st got sober and I will be forever thankful. I learned during that time that I was actually codependent . I also learned that I really didn't have much to offer in terms of relationships.
When you spend several years by yourself you really learn a lot about yourself. You learn what you like and what you don't like and most of all you learn how to be happy outside of any relationship. The biggest mistake people make is going into a relationship saying" This is what's going to make me happy." You should be very content outside of any relationship with anyone including your ex husband but it sounds like you're not.
He has moved on. Maybe it wasn't meant to be to begin with. If the 2 of you were drinking when you found each other there's a good chance that you both made the wrong decision. You'll find out that we really do make much better decisions when we have quality sobriety time under our belts.
I'm no counselor but that is my experience. That and $3 will get you a cup of coffee.
Oh and one more thing. The best thing that you can do is to work on you. If your ex husband still has feelings for you and the 2 of you were truly meant to be together He will eventually see the change. But this is something that takes time. More time than we really want to contribute. Trust takes time!
Back when I was trying to get sober, I made the monumental mistake of hooking up with another woman from the program and they were 6 of the most miserable years of my life. I absolutely could not wait to get that woman out of my life.
But that whole situation I have to take responsibility for because it all happened because of decisions that I made that were based on self.
Against the advice of other people in the program I decided to hook up with this woman and what I did was interfere with her recovery. So I got what was coming to me.
My point was that you have to put yourself in your ex husband's shoes and think about what he may have gone through with you And what he's feeling now.
If you go to meetings, get a sponsor who will take you through the 12 steps, sooner or later you will have the opportunity to make amends to him. But please do not put any expectations on that event because that's not what an amends is all about.
My first 8 months of sobriety I desperately wanted my family back. And I really tried to show that I was a good man, and I could be a good father.
Long story short is it took me realizing that I had to let go of all control. I had to learn how to love people for people and take them at face value. I had to learn how to love my ex wife as a person not my wife.
It took me so long because I thought I deserved a second chance. But the woman gave me a million.
Step three taught me about letting go and asking a power greater than myself to give her what he has given me because my life today is something I would of never imagined in a good way.
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The only thing I can control is my actions. Being the best version of me is also best for everyone. I just keep making progress by putting in the work and keep god close to my heart. And the results have been amazing. What will I do with my freedom from the bottle and new chance at life today?
This is not addiction advice: move on right this second
The steps help me reconcile with the past especially guilt.
They are also in order for a reason 123 get you ready for 4