I can understand the desire.
I never wanted to drink: ever. I wanted to not feel and to not hear, and to not think the things only alcohol would stop. Until it didn't.
I drank for years and years because "professionals" told me the nightmares and screaming thoughts and, and, and... would go away on its own: and they were wrong.
Addiction never asked me if I wanted to drink: it just made everything but it's voice was a lie.
Thankfully, I found a group of people who had been me who wanted me to live, and then helped me to want to live for my own sake.
I pray and hope you will find people who will believe in you until you can believe in yourself.