I really screwed up yesterday, I used and blew like $400, I feel like a failure, suicidal thoughts.
Please call 988. Help is available, just someone to talk to for a minute, please.
I’m just so very tired of living like this, my son is watching me slowly die. I just want it to be over with. 35 years of active addiction.
There is hope ! You know it or you wouldn't be here! Stay Strong 
Please seek support that is more than is available here. Call 988 or 211. It sounds like you need a really strong support person to listen. I know it is hard to reach out for help, it is not okay to sit and suffer with your ideations. Please be strong for your sin. Call 988 and get somewhere to help get you stabilized with medication and therapy.
Mistakes happen, stay strong and don’t be afraid to reach out for help like the others here have suggested. There is hope if you open your heart and your mind to it. Please don’t give up!
Relapse is a part of recovery my girl. Try not to attach yourself to the emotions you feel. Remember, strength isnt measured by how many times we fail, its measured by the amount of times we choose to get back up and try again!
Praying for you 
If you are ready for it to be over you have to put in the work sis, it starts with you takin the steps to end it, you can do anything you set your mind to I have faith in you, if I can do it you can do it
Nobody is perfect. Just do better next time
Relapse happens to so many of us it's part of recovery no one is perfect mistakes happen take it a lesson and a learning experience keep your head up you're strong reach out for the help