I’ve been prescribed Adderall XR for about 7 years now,

Struggling Help
#1

I’ve been prescribed Adderall XR for about 7 years now, and have been abusing them in secret for about 3 years.

I am completely destroyed- mind, body and soul. I feel spiritually bankrupt. I cannot moderate my usage no matter how hard I try. I have been battling everyday not to abuse my pills, I feel completely out of control- as if someone else were controlling my actions. I isolate myself and cut myself off from any type of support due to this shame, to make matters worse.

After a complete breakdown on the phone with my therapist, I did something drastic and flushed a 3 month script down the toilet

That was 2 months ago and thought that would be the end of it for “real” this time. (Although that was my 150th attempt to get clean)

Here I am two months later. Haven’t touched the stuff, up until yesterday. I was going through some old videos of my party days and I had a moment. Super triggered, I called my doc and he gave me a 6 month renewal.

I have already abused my prescription the first day I got it back. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I can not handle the anhedonia, depression and lack of desire to do ANYTHING at all while being off my meds. But I cannot responsibly take this medication. I feel screwed either way.

I feel so stuck.
How am I ever going to make a decision to get clean and stick by it?

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#2

When the desire to be the better version of you is greater than that to numb. Remember when you do find the strength to stay sober there are positive changes happening in your body and mind. That means what you’re doing is best for you. Don’t let yourself think you can go back and feel the same way. Be honest with your doctor and tell them you haven’t been taking them as directed and you need something else. It’s never easy to ask for help but you’re doing it different this time. Keep that sh¡t up, Victoria.

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#3

Could you talk to your therapist about an antidepressant like Wellbutrin? Wellbutrin helps increase dopamine levels and may help you stay motivated.

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#5

Hey, I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you spoken to your doc about your abuse? Maybe they can prescribe something in place to give you a similar drive and mood etc but that can't necessarily be abused? :man_shrugging:t2: I don't know much about pills except opiates so not much help there. I do know that substance abuse, no matter what it is is only a symptom of a deeper issue in us that needs work. Also wanted to reach out because we have a very similar last name :laughing: mine is just plural lol.

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#6

You are courageous Victoria: you are a Warrior. I say this because you are trying, and you are stripping the power away from your addiction by telling someone, even if it is here on a blog.

As a man diagnosed with ADD for the first time at 32 years old, Adderall worked for me but I don't like the potential for abuse like you are unfortunately struggling with.

I have been told (I'm NOT a medical person and have ONLY a friend's experience to go by) that certain natural supplements can help, but PLEASE only consider them based on a naturopath's
guidance, because natural herbs and supplements can have side effects too.

Consider IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program Therapy). You can attend a few evenings or days a week, insurance often covers it, and most importantly, if you find the right place they will treat both the substance abuse AND the mental health and trauma issues that lead most of us to self-medicate in the first place.

God bless you and best of luck in finding the support you deserve.

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#7

Thank you so much for the kind words. Means a lot.

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#8

I am on Wellbutrin and lexapro for depression and anxiety- they seemed to work really well at first and pulled me out of a very dark place.

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#9

Thanks for taking the time to reach out. Much appreciated

#10

This was so very helpful. Thank you for your kind words. I am definitely going to look into IOP. Thanks again

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#11

Warrior. Powerful Women. Of COURSE addiction wants to bring you down amd destroy you: if we were actually week amd how we sometimes see ourselves, there would be no challenge in it or triumph for our addiction when it wins a battle: but it will never win the war.

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#12

First let's not say Adderall is basically speed. You have a prescription for a medication that does have effects if misused. I would talk with your doctor and be up front with what you are going through. Is it a therapist or a GP? Second maybe naltrexone would be a good option since it may block the effects of the drug if you were to take it? Then you can focus getting off it and onto something that'll help and not be so habit forming. Someone mentioned wellbutrin and I think it's a pretty decent medicine. I take 450mg of it a day 2 separate doses since there is no 450 and it has seemed to do the trick. I take other stuff with it but I have less issues where I feel I need to go to a Xanax which I used to abuse when I drank but not since. Try to stay busy or plan things for when you are doing nothing to help keep you stimulated to not think about it. It will be a hard one to kick but you will be happy when you do!

#13

Welll you taking the pills yesterday doesn’t erase that you had 2 months sober, don’t forget that. You still are capable of doing the work. You are not alone. There are probably more options for you than you/I know about as far as getting help. It just depends which route(s) you want to take. I’m here to talk if you want to message. Much love :heart:

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#14

I really feel for you. It is so hard finding yourself dependent upon a medication that was initially so beneficial. I have a good friend and an ex who are both in your same boat with the same medication. On it for ADHD. With it or without it they just struggle with mental health.

ADHD is so hard, and to know there’s a way to control it that used to work but doesn’t anymore is painful.

I hope your doctor has a solution for the ADHD so you can find peace.

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#15

It means so much that you understand where I am coming from. That is absolutely my sentiment and I wish there was a way to come to a peaceful middle ground.

But it looks like if I’m going to move forward into a happy healthy life, I must completely cut this medication out of the picture.

It’s a scary thought to me, knowing that despite my best efforts in recovery- months of depression and anhedonia await me upon cessation. I guess that’s better than living with the shame and guilt of active addiction.

It just truly sucks because I know when I take this medication as prescribed, it is the only time I feel like a normal human being. However, The back and forth talk in my head of whether or not I should quit or stay is making me literally insane, I have to make a decision and stick by it.

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#16

Sending you support and positive vibes now... can you feel it? :wink:

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#17

Hi! I just revently got diagnosed ADHD. I told my person up front I didnt want stimulants due to previous prescription abuse. She recommended me Strattera, which is a non stimulant ADHD medication using a different active ingredient. Maybe ask your doc if you can switch? It takes a bit to build in your system but if you went two months cold, I have faith if you switch you can hold out. If you do switch, eat something when you first start like a hard boiled egg or something else. It doesnt need to be a large amount I just had some nausea at first. Anywho, DM if you have any questions! Good luck!

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#18

Thanks for the suggestion! I was literally just thinking about that last night. I thought Strattera would be a good substitute as it’s a non-stimulant. Im going to talk to my doctor and ask about switching. It would be so amazing to manage my ADHD symptoms and not have to live my life dependent on pills.

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#19

Medication "for the mind" is just as important as medication "for the body". Nobody would think twice about someone using medication to manage any other ailment especially if it improves quality of life. Dont pass judgement onto yourself that you wouldnt pass onto others. Sometimes we just need a little reminder of that. :yellow_heart:

#20

I am currently in an IOP with three days a week and three hours per each of those days in groups and then a weekly one on one session with my substance abuse counselor and then I believe I will have to see the program psychiatrist while I’m still in the intensive part. I will eventually “graduate” to outpatient entirely which will be one weekly session with my substance abuse counselor and then I have to be in one of the groups ran at the counseling center which I already know I want to be in one that focuses on trauma and addiction. I wish you the best of luck finding recovery! I hope it looks and feels wonderful on you!

#21

Rehab will help you. You need to totally detox and work towards sobriety. Rehab for 90days then head to a sober living situation. Take a year out of your life to save your life. God bless you my friend

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