My whole life is falling apart. I look in the mirror and I hate myself. I keep doing what I say I'm not gonna do. Every morning is supposed to be a new day but for me, it feels so much more like wasted existence. Every single day. Why can't I wake up, and start my day right, with the sincere appreciation that I actually have for it. Because after 37 years, I shouldn't still be here!!!! I'm stuck. Everything feels fake and idk what to do anymore. IDK how I can just not pick up, because that's literally all I want rn. Is to have some self restraint. Stop wanting for myself and start giving away, being a better person a better human. IDK what to do. Regret is eating me alive. I can't stew in how horrible I am, but it kinda feels like a big deal. I don't wanna hurt anyone. I must really have some sort of brain damage.
So when I first started my journey of sobriety im still in the new also 30 days I had to basically stay in bed for 3 days before I could even look at myself in the mirror thinking of all the people I hurt. I started living in the now not dwelling in the past not looking towards the future live minute by minute step by step there is alot of emotions that have came my way now im not numb and you will learn empathy and you will see others pain and you will relate but remember its about you right now. As for people you may have hurt or wronged or people that have wronged you just apologize and ask for forgiveness if they dont forgive you well so be it, healing takes time it doesn't happen over night its a journey for all involved, hopefully in time they will see you will have a different ora around you or you will smile differently now its all a sign of healing
Hi Shayna. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I can relate to some of how you're feeling. I'm a Christian too, but I know I wouldn't have been able to stay sober without getting active in my local recovery community. I hope there's something close to you where you can get plugged in 
You're not awful. It's awful. Shake it off. Get over it if you think it's all about you. There's a lot of us. We're all brain-damaged. We're not perfect in hindsight. We become who we really are when we reach out and try to help each other.
Hi, Shayna.
Blake here. Can I tell you about Me?
There was a point in my self destruction that I had to decide to not make promises to myself. I kept breaking them and the guilt would be so unbearable. I concluded that I was not trustworthy to keep my word to myself so I stopped making promises. For example, instead of saying “I’ll call you later” I’d say “Until we speak again”.
If I failed in such a small thing as not making a phone call when I said I would, I would feel guilty and the desire to drink would be tempting. Any failure, loss, or uncomfortable situation was a trigger for me. As much as possible I’d try not to set myself up for failure. Small successes helped me not to feel overwhelmed and see progress.
Shayna, i went to early morning in person AA/NA meetings before my addict mind had time to take over.
I felt the same as you do for what seemed to be an eternity. I had to take extreme measures to get real results and to beat my addict mind.
I’m here if you want to talk or have any questions
Hi Shayna ! One of the things that is talked about in the program is having a psychic change and really that is addressing your mind and how you’re thinking about things. Our brains are designed for those of us who are addicts to always find something to be addicted to after we give up alcohol. Some of us start or continue smoking cigarettes, some of us are addicted to caffeine so we have to have coffee or Pepsi or whatever caffeinated drink there is. Some of us have taken to really get into food. I’m one of those persons I am a recovering alcoholic who has hyper fixation. What that means is that my attic brain will latch onto something and I’ll have to have that thing every day and I’ll dream about it. I’ll think about it. I’ll crave it and I cannot go home without getting whatever food item that is and then I have to eat that same food for like weeks before I get tired of it if I get a bag of chips, I’m going to eat those chips until completion because I just I just struggled with stopping. One of the things that you have to do is you have to start looking at yourself in the mirror and literally getting a dry race marker and star writing affirmations on that mirror every day I am strong, I am smart, I can do hard things etc. Positive self talk is one of the things that you will have to tap into because on top of going to meetings and having a sponsor and doing step work and being a part of a sober community, you still at the beginning of the day, wake up by yourself, you still go to sleep by yourself. Even if you have a partner that partner will be sleeping through the night and you’ll be up thinking wondering questioning that partner will go on vacation or go out of town on a business trip or be with his or her girls or boys and you’ll be by yourself so basically I’m saying you can’t run from you. Change your mind by speaking different things over your life. This is not gonna change the fact that you’re gonna still feel self depreciating thoughts you’re still going to have those negative feelings because that doesn’t go away. It’s a part of being human. it’s a part of the human condition, but you have to fight for yourself..
Hi Shayna. One of my sponsors used to tell me," you are here for a reason. You have work yet to do." When I was drowning in regrets and blinded by the screen of negativity, I held onto that. And I stayed sober and helped others.
It’s not easy
Many of us struggle
It’s worth it
your worth it
Good luck
Its a disease it's not you. Work it till it works!
It's not easy you have to take it one day at a time
It works if you work it. Give yourself grace. You got this!
Well said!! And I second that perception!!
Take one day at time and feelings are temporary. If you’re in a step program. We suggest to give it to a higher power and get around women meetings.
Just know you aren’t alone. You would be shocked at how many people are struggling with the same thing, people you know even. I had no idea until I started talking about what I was going through. One of the blessings of being an alcoholic is that you won’t find more amazing people when sober, you are part of a tribe that will always have your back. Keep your head up and your heart open.
It happens to all of us that suffer with alcohol/ drug abuse. Physically alcoholics crave more after that first drink. Others can walk away leaving drink untouched. The mental obsession is literally us believing what our head is telling us We believe our own lies. Crazy because I exactly understand swearing it off with strong vigor and then find myself right back where I was when I last swore it off.
My only solution completely relieved the obsession. Most baffling blessing to happen for me. Even cigarettes for 5 years now.
My struggles are real with type 1 diabetes related issues. I’ve buried many. But drinking never crossed my mind.
My miracles occurred when a few men walked me thru the big book and working steps to my best. 16 years chemical free. But the miracle is obsessing to drink every time I felt pain or big holidays. I know when I get disconnected I become angry and mean. I check myself and do what I learned from the ones there for me. Don’t let that obsession return. Once I obsess I will give in and drink. I proved that true for 15 years.
I found faith as result of doing the work. God gets all the credit for lifting the obsession. I completely had major change in my perception of life. Same life but looked at in different way. Prayers
Hello. It gets better, and self hatred will destroy you faster than anything else. You have a good heart. How do I know? People with no heart dont feel guilt or shame over how they have lived. Patterns get passed on to us. This isnt blame, its response-ability. Having received emotional patterns that arent helpful and recognizing the need for change (remorse, not guilt or shame), and making a clear decision to making to make small achievable efforts, learn about yourself, whats behind the anger, hurt, guilt, shame? What is TRULY I
i.portant to you about life, peoole? Who do you want peoole to see when they see you coming? Journaling helps me a lot. Finding out what your core desires are behind your common behaviors, especially u helpful behaviors...theres always a "good" core desire behind every si glee behavior. Discover what they are then you can decide better ways to achieve thise desires.
Sorry if that was a lot. I struggle with similar issues (low self worth, guilt, shame). Self care and self discovery (think back to the little girl you once were, the one that still hoped finding the world's goodness. What did she want in life? What did she hold dear? What was her most pai full emotion and why? Start here, re claim your child's heart
Seek out treatment ! !
I too struggle with self-hatred, with looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but a worthless waste of space.
There is no easy answer. The only advice I can offer is that you seek mental health support, as you probably suffer from depression or some other condition in addition to your addiction.
For those of us with dual diagnoses, getting sober is not a cure-all, and traditional AA can feel isolating because "The Promises" were not written with people like us in mind. Sobriety is a necessary, but not sufficient, condition to finding peace and self-worth.
Give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up because you do not feel better. Reach out for help. There are a lot of dual diagnosis resources, as well as online meetings.
How are you doing now. I trust you have gotten some help. God does not want you yo struggle. Uou deserve peace and we all have a past and of us it was far from good. Good nope never hit a woman or abused one. So there is lots of help there. If you choose to leave him. Then call the police if he keeps abusing you and he will have to leave. Maybe then it will be safe to say hello. But others do not change but we can change moment to day to day. The 12 steps are designed to let go of yesterday and heal. Also find a god that is loving. You deserve the best and lots of healthy friends not do not abuse you. Get lots of #s at lots of meetings and work the steps. You are powerless over people places and things including mood altering drugs. Let this god thing work in your life and promise this tornado will be gone like a great storm and the sun will shine like yourself. Odaat,)