It's only 9am and I am deading today

Struggling Help
#1

I did the last little line in my bag this morning. I know I'm gna start to come down
I know this is mostly psychological, mind over matter literally. But my gears are turning in my head allready to go pick up again.

And duh I canNOT
I start IOP Tuesday, my intake in Monday and I already know I'm gna pop dirty.

This has been a 4...? Day run this time. I'm tired. It was only supposed to be one time but yeah.

I know part of me using again is my inconsistent schedule. I was at IOP for 5wks but that was Harm Reduction based, which was cool but I was still struggling. Then I transferred to an IOP program this week, closer to home bcuz I got into A fender bender and went all week, but I know my us will come back pos. Monday.... But now I just got accepted into an excellerated college course that starts in two weeks so I have to transfer to evening classes now.

AND my days are about to be full and busy and stressed and packed
This is all happening happening fast. I have two weeks to get my sh*t together.

I know I need IOP, I'm refusing inpatient.
I need more than meetings, I have literally no support. I'm doing this on my own. That's why I'm literally trying and reaching for anything help.

I'm afraid I'm gna go pick up again, use all wknd and be high and positive on Monday for my intake. Group Starts Tuesday evening.

I know I'm using right now cuz my schedule changed and there's alot going on and I don't know how to deal.

I need a simple, basic , regular schedule. When things get switched up I wig out

And I know I can't do this alone. That's why I'm here....

Idunno

Thanks,

Brittany - Addict trying to be In Recovery

8 Likes
#2

There’s only one way to do this if you’re in this kind of shape and that’s a 30 60 or 90 day program . I understand you have a lot going on in your life, but you’re sobriety must be your priority without it. You’ll never accomplish anything 100% take care of you and everything will fall into place. I am living proof of it.

2 Likes
#3

I've been there it's tough. There is never a convenient time to go to an IOP with everything else going on. I was a functional for years until I wasn't. Im a bit of a control freak so doing inpatient was a huge leap. 2 years later I'm a better sober version of myself. If you truly want to break the cycle giving up control and getting help is needed. I made sobriety my top priority and by doing so improved all other parts of my life. It sounds like taking a drastic step is what you need. Id recommend getting yourself right first and worrying about your other commitments when you are in a sober and stable mind frame. I used IOP as a tool to get me to my goals and you can to. It sounds like you want to change you just need to take the first steps on the journey and find help on the way. It is possible if you take that first step. Keep your head up and focus on your goals. You got this.

#4

I was in a harm reduction IOP 3x a wk and still was struggling. Then I transferred to an abstinence based program closer to home but now I have to switch to the nite groups.

All of these changes.are what messed me up. I need a stable routine.

#5

Thank you. That's what my mom and I discussed My Sobriety and Health First, My Education, Then worry about a job.

I have my assessment Monday for my new IOP program In the evening and I can start right the next day.

It's all these changes, getting settled and then boom something comes up. I just don't deal well

I'm just trying to make it thru the wknd cuz I know I have a UA Monday and it's dirty...

I know I'm smart, I know I'm better than this, but fudddddgggggeee

That is all

#6

I feel icky, not like that but resentful, guilty mad mostly cuz why am I being so dumb. I literally have zero support.
That's why I know I need to reach out.
I can't do this alone and idk what else to effing do

#7

I know what you mean. When I was drinking and taking rx to cope with day to day stuff any little thing seemed to make me spiral out of control. My baseline was already on the edge and I couldn't drink or rx it anymore. My solution to stress became my problem and dependency. For me it did get better. Now that my nerves have healed I exercise and meditate for stress. It wouldn't work without sobriety. Going inpatient gave me structure and a place really work on and set goals. It helped me focus on my priorities and get the poison out of system so I could move forward without it. It gave me hope for the first time in a long time and that is what I needed.

#8

I do attend an IOP group 3x. Week, but it was based on Harm Reduction.... I was still struggling.
Now I have to transfer to evening classes And I think all this change and gaps btwn groups correlate to this use this time. I'm coming off a 4day run. And it's so stupid. I have an assessment and I know a UA Monday, that will pop. And ugh I just wanna get a bag to get thru the day

#9

Hey Brittany I know how you feel I am battling my addiction with meth and alcohol very hard. I am on felony probation and attend the GEO program from probation...I as well need a healthy and sober support system. I attend AA and NA when I have time but I don't feel like that is a very good support system. It's a nice to have the members there but I would like to make friends that are currently struggling like I am and it seems the members at the meetings have been recovered for awhile you know. Anyways I am here for you so if you need to talk or text I can give you my number if you want?? Have a blessed day!

#10

You're feeling guilty and resentful now. How much worse will it be when the next bag wears off? What's next after that? Play your tape forward. You are here reaching out so you already know it's not the answer. Hang in there you got this.

#11

Omgeeee I got invited to a mtg Thursday by a girl in my group. So I went n checked it out.
She did NOT warn me ahead of time that is was literally Faith Based group. It was open for any addiction, food , s*x, etc.
But it was literally a bunch of old guys, alcohol was their problems so I couldn't relate
AND dude judges us as we are walking up smoking a cog quick. Tf?

I stayed for the whole thing, and while that works for some ppl, it wasn't my cup of tea

#12

I have zero support, unless I go to my groups. I go to IOP 3x a week but now I have to switch evenings and I think the lack of consistency and the changes it what threw me off this time. I'm ending a. 4day run and desperately trying not to go pick up again.
I had 16 days, used for two. Then had 9 days and now this

I feel like a friggin failure. Like tf

#13

All I can say is I needed residential treatment to get some solid time in with support and education followed up by therapy and support groups. I have over 9 years sobriety today.

#14

I have been thru this revolving door many times. Battling my addiction for over 15yrs atleast. I've done inpatient but that is not an option for me rn. I won't. I refuse. Ive bee there and done that. I used to just do a quick 28-30days in n out and then fall back eventually, my last treatment was 5mos inpatient and halfway house and all that and it stuck.

#15

I refuse to go inpatient this time. I always attendening an IOP group, that was based on Harm reduction. I still struggled. I have been sparaticly attending groups and I know my UA will be dirty results on Monday, so whoopie.
It's just all the. Changes in my life rn? That's how I handle overwhelming and stress? And boredum?
See ? I know better, my brain. Is smart. Im just really good at f*coming stuff up, cuz, well that's what I do.

Tf tho. Today is rough already

#16

I did that several times as well until I finally had enough and was facing death in the face….alone. It can only get worse not better if you continue to use and believe you can manage it on your own. I believe in the 12 steps and was finally willing to take them. It’s been worth every step of it. I discovered so much about myself. The meetings you attend make a huge difference in understanding how AA works and is meant to work. Personally I would not even bother with AA or NA unless you’re actually willing to do the steps. I’m not religious. Just my experience.

#17

Therapy works well for me too, like talking. I lm famous for Word Vomiting - spilling all my guts, good and bad, all at once. Like
I can do self talk and get thru it sometimes but I literally have no Support system right now. I am so just yeah

#18

This is why I say you need a inpatient program

#19

This isn’t true. Lots of people get sober in AA without inpatient. Inpatient definitely makes it easier, but it’s not the answer. AA is the answer.

1 Like
#20

You said "I" thirty-five times in all of that.
This is a "WE" thing. You will not stay clean alone. An addict alone dies. And refusing to go inpatient means one thing, you still wanna do it "your" way.
People die daily doing it "their" way. Go to treatment. Surrender to win. Love and prayers.