Well. I have once again relapsed. I’m so fing pathetic😂 I knew it was coming and I know I’ll feel s*y tomorrow just like I always do. This cycle is something fierce. Honestly, when I’m sober I have confidence but when I’m back in this place I feel oh so weak. Like man , I really can’t frickin do it. Am I ever going to make something of myself? Or am I going to toss away years of my life in the madness like so many others before me.. I mean I don’t feel much right now. I guess that was the point. Regardless, I am just.. I don’t even know how to feel. When I’m in this mindset I feel like I might as well just accept it and die being the sorry pos I’ve become. Even better, they say the disease is progressive and only gets worse😂 I really thought all this suffering was enough but apparently not. Apparently suicide isn’t enough, apparently losing loved ones and pushing family isn’t enough, apparently loss isn’t enough, pain and suffering and sickness isn’t enough. It’s a scary thought to think that death will finally be the last straw and then it’s too late to make a difference. Idk, this all probably sounds crazy as heck bc I’m “back in the madness” under the influence again. I am ashamed I guess, but at the same time I’m doing this to myself how could I be? Considering I don’t even care about myself, this s**t is crazy. Every single time it doesn’t matter how good I make sobriety sound to myself I find myself back in this chaotic place. I’m losing hope honestly. I had a thought “maybe I should just give up and give in” “look at you, you’re weak, not like those before you who have overcome” honestly I’m sorry for ranting. I should have just deleted this app and went back to my sorry little corner. I don’t even know who I’m talking to anymore
You gotta stay present. You are still here. You are enough, and nobody is perfect.
You can’t future trip right now. Don’t worry about how much sober time you lost because of drinking again. I don’t count my days.
Thank you
But honestly it’s so devastating to me because the “first step” in aa is to admit that we are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanageable and I know it’s true that I am powerless and that my life is extremely unmanageable and though I haven’t realized it until the past few months that I may be an alcoholic and so on so forth that my pride tells me that im a strong person which i really do believe I am and that I can do it on my own when I obviously can’t and that my life is unmanageable but that I can get it together drinking or not and that’s never the dang case, even right now typing this I am thinking that I really can do this on my own “mind over matter “ but I know it at least I think I know that it’s something deeper than that and I don’t know how to accept it and the longer I stay in the madness the more chance I have of winding up in jail, or a hospital or a crazy situation like many times before and I don’t want to end up dead. I wish I had the strength to tell you and everyone who would listen all of the crazy things I have put myself through with alcohol and to many they would say “ you haven’t had enough?” All that pain and suffering wasn’t enough to make you give it up? I wish everyone could truly understand this disease because I’m 23 mf years old and I wish things were different, I WANT things to be different and “normal” people can’t even begin to understand. And not only that but I want to be normal too. “I am normal right?” I ask myself and then I look at the actual real life horror stories of my past and it’s just all so much for me. I’m young and am honestly just getting a grasp on the “disease” and a part of me wants to call bs because I was alway “fine” before but was I really? I’m sorry for the nonsensical rambling but I have honestly never felt more lost and I honestly at this point don’t know if I’ll ever get out. I know my dad did, and that gives me a little hope but dang, a normal would think they would learn their lesson after getting beat up, try being an alcoholic. I wish everyone in the world could understand if that even makes sense
Just like John says, work on now and today. None of this means you are weak, less of a man or anything. It’s tough to see through the fog right now, but there are a bunch of people who have your back and here to help you make it through. The bottom line: don’t give up, you can do this.
Can you get to a meeting? In person or virtual?
Very glad you shared this. First you are not a pos, you have a disease that is brutal. Have you ever thought about going to a detox/rehab. Sometimes when you are so physically addicted that honestly maybe your only choice. I know for me that’s what I had to do. I went and got medically detoxed. Now I have almost 22 months with no mind altering drugs. Believe me You Do Not Want To Die from alcohol. I witnessed it first hand with my brother and a very dear friend. Awful. Painful for you and awful for family and friends to have to witness. I would not wish that on my worse enemy. If you really want to stop reach out go to meetings and if need be get into treatment. Best wishes. I have never felt so strongly about recovery but now I never want to give my sobriety up and by One Day At A Time and being vigilant I won’t. I have gained so much back into my life. 
Malcolm, you are NOT a lost cause. You are worthy of every good thing. Now instead of focusing on “failure “. Focus on progress. When you wake up tomorrow, make the decision “I will not drink/use today”. When you make that twenty four hours, start focusing on progress. Have you taken step one of the twelve steps? You need to take step one and admit you are powerless over alcohol/drugs.
Thank you for sharing this. You are absolutely not alone. So many of us said the same things to ourselves and had similar thoughts about ourselves. This reads to me (my opinion) like you are working an active step one. Step 2 in 12 step recovery asks us to put down our force of will our “I can do this on my own” and begin to believe that a power greater than us can restore us.
Restoration does not happen over night. Our minds have been hijacked by the addiction so “mind over matter” aka willpower will not heal us.
Posting here is a fantastic start to looking outside of you for help.
What power greater than you do you want to believe in today? There are many options.
Throw the kitchen sink at this thing and you will find what works for you. To find recovery we must seek it as hard as we sought the next “fix”.
You are loved, you deserve healing, you are worthy of living.
I relapsed 2 days ago… but I am back.. Hoping I learned a few things and added some new tools to help me along. We can do this..
You are not a lost cause! You are not a POS! We have all done things… things we regret, are embarrassed by, make us sick to our stomach when we think about it. You said you wish you could tell someone all the messed up things you have done. That’s step 5 bud. There is a reason the steps are in the order they are. We have to get to the point where we can tell someone. “Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly but we can recover” relapse happens. Brush yourself off. Hold your head up. You have a vision of sobriety. The quote from that Rocky movie helped me when I was feeling the same as you are now… “Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or nobody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you! You’re better than that! But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life. “
You got this man!
We are here for you Malcolm. Most of us have felt the pain, demoralization, and self hatred you are feeling. This disease will do exactly this to us. As horrible as you feel, remember you are not a bad person. You are just very sick. There is a mental component to this disease, and as Terra said above, it has hijacked your mind. At some point it’s best to stop fighting your mind, and just surrender. Accept that your thinking is F’d up. Accept that is sabotaging you with these negative thoughts. As Terra said, think of a different power to believe in today. Surely you know there are powers greater than you. Your AA group, Mother Nature, the universal law is bill of gravity…any and all of these can be your guide today. Stop listening to Malcolm. He’s sick! You can do this brother. Let’s get thru today.
Malcom, try not to beat yourself up. I got wasted every single day for almost a year straight. When I really started thinking that I had a problem is when my body was becoming dependent on it. I started googling ways to safely get off alcohol on my own.. I was too far past that. I drank from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep. If you are NOT at that point, and have been able to go days or weeks without a drink without horrible side effects, then now is definitely time to start a program that works for you! You already know you want to get better. I landed myself in the hospital with alcohol induced pancreatitis, and am lucky to be alive. Without the medications they were giving me for the pain from the pancreatitis I for sure would’ve died. Those scary side effects they talk about when giving up alcohol when you are truly dependent are real! Dude, I hallucinated and everything.. still can’t believe I ever let it get that bad. I hit further down than rock bottom goes. Tomorrow is my 3 year sober anniversary.. it’s possible my friend. You are so young and have so much life to look forward to!
Malcolm, hang in there my friend. You don’t have to drink today. I have been where your at right now. The big book calls it “ pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization”. Every day and every moment is a new one. Ask your HP for help and get to a meeting. I surrendered and ceased fighting anyone or anything. It gets better if I stay sober.
I could not agree more with what Nancy said. This disease sucks ! I would definitely explore detox and get to a meeting as soon as you can.. your young and you have your whole life ahead of.. you got this one 24 hour period at a time !
Thank you all so much for the encouraging words, I appreciate it so much and it means a lot knowing I have a whole community behind me supporting me. Much love
Please reach out we are here for you!
Thank you very much
We are all a bunch of schumks so know that. Even the ones without addiction issues.
Hey Malcolm, I added you as a friend. Accept if you want, I can talk with ya and talk you through this. I have a background in addictions as well as my own personal struggle and now recovery. Don’t hesitate to reach out man.