Mental Tests

Recovery
#1

I feel like I am being tested for mental strength. My job has been extremely stressful lately, a class I've been taking turned out to be a lot harder than I thought, my son turning 18 is stressing me out (for more reasons that just that) and boredom got the best of me yesterday which caused a relapse. I was so proud of myself for making it through the stress of work and school but boredom really took the cake. I feel like I learned something today which is on the positive side of the negative action. It appears I can find ways to cope with stress and remind myself that drinking is only going to make things worse but I need to find a better solution for boredom. Here's my biggest struggles with boredom...

  1. I don't have any real friends. They are all just acquaintances I met through my boyfriend when I moved to this small town (who all drink for fun). I never got close to anyone in my 6 years here. My best friend for life still lives 2 hours away.
  2. Everyone I know (including my boyfriend) drinks on the weekends to have a good time. I can't seem to get away from it in a social setting which is why I've basically become a hermit.
  3. It seems like any time I ask my boyfriend to go do something that doesn't necessarily involve alcohol (like golf or kayaking or hiking), he has some excuse or just flat out doesn't feel like going. Seems he doesn't mind making time to hang out with friends to drink but doesn't make the time to do something constructive with me, knowing I'm wanting to avoid alcohol.
  4. I do a lot alone. More than I care to. I'm human and need human contact. I like being social but that only seems to be possible where there's alcohol. I shop alone, clean alone, go out to eat alone sometimes (my boyfriend will go as long as I'm paying which always includes his alcohol :roll_eyes:), I go to my "think" spot alone to take in some fresh air and scenery, I used to go to the gym with my son but now he's more worried about his friends so I stopped going bc I don't have a partner (I hate going alone)... if my boyfriend is not interested in whatever it is I want to do, just to get out for a while, he absolutely will not accompany me which sucks (I eventually stopped doing this for him since there wasn't any reciprocation).
    I genuinely struggle with overcoming boredom bc... well, I think I might be kind of lonely in a way. I don't want to continue to do things alone all the time, that sucks. There's a bunch of constructive things I love doing but I just really don't have anyone to do anything with.
    I needs some thoughts from peers....
11 Likes
#2

Anyway to join club or meet up group for something you like to do? Kayaking, hiking etc?

1 Like
#3

That's a thought. I guess I don't know but that's something I should look into.

#4

Hi Addy. First, I commend your honest and vulnerable share! There’s a saying that connection is the opposite of recovery. I can relate to not really having any real friends, being surrounded by drinkers, and all social activities revolving around alcohol. I made the mistake of doing nothing about the above issues, so I can tell you from my experience, that this a recipe for loneliness and relapse. If you read thru what you wrote, I hope you will see that your relationship with your bf is an issue for you. I suggest it’s time for a sit down heart to heart with him (if you haven’t already). We can’t expect our partners to to understand how hard this is for us. They just don’t! However, our sobriety has to be our priority, and we need to be proactive with these discussions. Regardless of the outcome, you would benefit greatly from building some friendships on your own. Ernie had some good ideas! I found some great sober friends in AA. I don’t know how you feel about AA, but it was a life changer for me. It’s like attending a mental health wellness class a few times a week, and making sober friends to boot. I’m glad you are taking action. Writing this post was a great start!

5 Likes
#5

Thank you, you are right. I definitely need him to be 100% on board. Last night, we went to visit some friends at a campsite; knowing alcohol would be plentiful. I made the decision to drink before we even left so I knew the inevitable was going to happen. He tried to talk me out of it but I think if he truly wanted to help, he would have suggested going somewhere else so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about it.

2 Likes
#6

If you have not tried it yet, maybe try making some new friends with women at an AA/NA meeting in your area. My local NA meeting has outings every so often where most of us go out to eat together, play softball, go to the movies, go to NA convention events, go on vacations and trips together. AA has something similar and it depends on the group though.

I'm currently going through a similar situation as you. I find the rooms of AA/NA to be very helpful in finding that human connection. I'm not sure what the dynamics are with you and your boyfriend but maybe express these exact feelings to him. If he's not supportive of your feelings and your recovery in any way then maybe you guys are not a good fit? I don't know, personally for me that is my boundaries. I need to be able to relate and have a few things in common to be intimately and romantically involved with them. My recovery comes first. Without my recovery I am not only no use to someone else but most importantly I am of no use to myself.

2 Likes
#7

I feel for you. I didn’t drink for over 24 years. I never made a sober life for myself, so I was just the guy who didn’t drink. I wasn’t honest with myself or my wife. I pretended I didn’t care. While I didn’t drink, I grew very unhappy and lonely. At least you are aware and honest lol. Take it from me, if you don’t do anything about this situation, it will never change. Unfortunately, alcohol is a huge part of most people’s social life. I think it’s great that you are taking action now. We are here to support you!

2 Likes
#8

Lol we was basically writting the same message at the same time.

#9

One thing I caught is that you said, "Connection is the opposite of recovery." Is that a typo? Did you mean isolation is the opposite of recovery? @soberinsoflo125132

#10

Great minds, or in our case sick minds think alike lol

1 Like
#11

Similar struggles with boredom. It’s a priority this week to do something productive and find sober friends. My husband is a heavy drinker and it’s so hard having alcohol around all the time. I stay home and feel sorry for myself because of my loneliness and social anxiety. My kids live out of town.. closest one is 3 hours away. Today is a new day and tomorrow will be even better with a positive plan of action (even in triple digit heat :hot_face:). Love all the suggestions here, this group is so supportive. :heart:.

1 Like
#12

Absolutely agree 100%. I will be completely transparent when I say I don't think I know how to make friends. I feel like that sounds ridiculous but it's the truth.

2 Likes
#13

I can totally relate! I left my husband after 15 years of marriage and I live where he is from. I’ve never felt so isolated in my whole life! I’ve met new friends outside of his circle but they all drink heavily. I’m here to chat if you want! It’s nice knowing other people know exactly what you’re going through! Hugs!

1 Like
#14

Thank you!

#16

Addy I know how you feel I moved for my xwife and then lived in that town for 3 years never made one friend or dated anyone after trying everything. I actually dated someone in another state Now I have changed cities because she moved with my daughter and had a lot of hope this would be different but it hasn’t been honestly my next step is a dog

1 Like
#17

Thank you, Tim. I honestly feel like this might go down that same road. Up until last night, I've managed to avoid the urge and had I just had a partner that recommended something like putt-putt or something, I would have woke up to 25 days sober. I love him but I love myself more. If I can't trust myself to remain sober bc he keeps adding fuel to the fire then I might have to just do what's best and walk away.

1 Like
#18

To make sober friends at a AA or NA meeting. They have a when and where pamphlet with a spot alocated on the back for phone numbers. At some meetings they will pass the pamphlet around to room for you and give it to you at the end or sometime during the meeting. At other meetings they try to encourage you to get the pamphlet and numbers on your own. So that you can have a more direct connection to who ever you related to in the meeting.

1 Like
#19

I've considered AA but I'm not really into religion and I know that is a huge part of the program so I've chosen not to attend. I'm currently looking for other meet up groups in my area though.

1 Like
#21

Addy Lee, AA is not religious. It’s spiritual.
I was in the same boat as you as far as not knowing how to make friends. I moved around a lot growing up. Never had a friend for more then a few years before I moved to a new place.
Because of AA I do have friends now. People I can trust and count on when times get tough. Plus I sponsor others and I’m there for them when times get tough for them. It’s been a beautiful journey and I’m very grateful.

Lots of great feed back here. I hope you’re doing better now.

5 Likes
#22

The boredom. Isolation. Loneliness - so brutal - during the first few months of recovery this was so bad… Now I use that time for very long meditation sessions and listen to monk chant and spiritual good positive music and chill - keeps the mind from overthinking and allows some healing - as they keep saying one day at a time - time does cure some things next thing you realize you smile at miserable people at the grocery store lol and have a weird positive vibe most of the time

3 Likes