My pink cloud dissolved

Struggling Help
#1

It’s day 53 without alcohol, and so far it’s been fairly easy. This is the longest I’ve been sober since I was a teenager, and it felt good. I lost some weight, I had energy, everyone was so proud of me. I knew the rose-colored goggles would eventually come off, but I suppose I didn’t realize it would feel quite like this.
I want a break from sobriety. It feels like if I just had an end date, like, “Just go five more days, then you can have a drink! You can sleep tonight for the first time in weeks. You can forget this week for an afternoon. You can have a quiet, well behaved mind, even if it’s just for a little while.” Then I could go longer.

But there is no end in sight. I’m staring down the barrel of a lifetime of sitting with my feelings, a lifetime of emotional agony, a lifetime of shame and sleeplessness.

I need a break from sobriety.

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#2

Jim Rohn has said “Do not for life to be easier… Wish that you had more skills”

In 2 hrs I’ll have 111 days of sobriety. I have never been clean & sober for this long on purpose since I was 14 (22 years ago), so I am in EARLY RECOVERY right along side you.

I like going to meetings. “Just for today“ & “One day at a time“ is what came when I read you post. Really, there only is today. Yesterday, is in the past forever. Tomorrow is not here, and there’s nothing we can do about that. Today is a gift, that is why it is called the present.

If today is another day that you are clean and sober, then you are crushing it. Being clean and sober for over 100 days is a big deal for a guy like me. I couldn’t go 100 hours, or 100 minutes, sometimes I can go 100 seconds without using. we are new to Recovery, new to being sober, New to feeling our feelings, new to living life on life‘s terms, but if we keep at it… Eventually we won’t be new to it. And when that day comes, it won’t be easier… But we will be more skilled🎉

You can do this. You are worth it. Something my sponsor says often is there a three keys to sustain recovery… One, get a sponsor. Two, work the steps. Three, stay connected



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#3

I relate to this so much, Victoria. Apart from wanting a break from the crippling anxiety, quieting my mind was the driving force of my alcoholism. All I wanted was just a couple hours, just a quick break from the endless chatter my mind. Sitting with those thoughts sober is the hardest part, for me anyway. I have to force myself to “think through the drink.” If I have that drink, I might get those couple hours. But I also lose my sobriety, my progress, everything I’ve been working so hard to build. I hope some of this helps, or at least makes you feel less alone. I see you, & I’m proud of you.:heart:

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#4

That is very common in your stage of recovery. It’s ok and you can do it!! Recommit yourself to recovery, remember why you don’t want to go back. This is typically the stage that I have my Sponcee’s get working on the steps. After that punk cloud goes away most people have problems and feelings that alcohol used to take care of. It worked for me all the way until it did not anymore. In my case and many others is the problem of how do I deal with these sort of problems that I have no idea how to do without alcohol. That is where the steps come in. The steps will give you an outline on how to deal with life on life’s terms. They have worked a miracle in my life and many others. You can live a healthy happy life. The work begins to get to where you want to be from this point forward though. It’s so worth the work

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#5

I did this same thinking and I didn't word it so well to myself. I listened to needing that break. And I 100% regret it. If you'd like to talk I'll send you a friend request

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#7

Man do I relate to this...I can't promise it gets too much easier any time soon, but I CAN promise it does get much easier eventually. For me, it was barely even a process...I went from a year+ in having using dreams still, to somewhere around 1.5 or 2 years in, and being in the best place I'd been my whole life. Now I'm a few weeks away from 4 years, but remember...we only get there a month, a week, a day...heck, sometimes even just an hour...at a time. You can do this! :heart:

Truly, my biggest advice is find a sponsor and work your steps. Once you get out all the stuff that's haunting you, staying sober AND BEING HAPPY gets a lot easier. Sending prayers and good vibes your way. :pray:

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#8

When you think your pink cloud has ended… you can create a new one …. Everything in life and how you feel basically all comes back to you, how you feel about yourself and the way you think.

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#9

It’s hard when the pink cloud disappears. Sometimes I had to trick myself and say just don’t drink today, I can drink tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes I’d say it again. Looking at forever can be too much, just focus on today. Are you working a recovery program? It has really helped me see that sobriety actually gives you a lifetime of happiness and after over a year of working the program I am overwhelmed with gratefulness at all the things it has helped me to gain in my life.

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#10

Thank you :black_heart: it feels so cathartic just to simply hear that I’m not crazy. I feel so silly when I can hear that my thoughts are irrational, but knowing they’re irrational does nothing to quiet them, does that make sense?
Anyway, thank you :two_hearts: I feel less alone

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#11

It makes PERFECT sense.:heart:

#12

Oh it makes total sense!! I didn’t start shaking this until 10 months. It’s ok. Just do not pick up no matter what, one day at a time. The miracle WILL happen.

#14

I don’t think you don’t need a break from sobriety. In my experience when I felt like that it was because I was still holding on to resentments and reservations that I could someday drink/use again. Sobriety, for me, got better when I got rid of ALL my resentments and reservations. But if you want all the shame and misery drinking brings refunded to you then go for it. It will most likely end the same way if you’re a true alcoholic. If you’re not then congratulations. But if you are it’s probably going to do more damage than it’s worth. For a true alcoholic it could mean death. If you’re willing to risk that I wish you luck and hope you make it back.

#15

Your misery will happily be refunded. There is no such thing as a break from reality and life’s little curves. Play the tape of the past over and over when you feel like giving up. Keep reaching out to others as well. I personally play the tape constantly, even on good days, and go to the gym or walk my dogs, play with my kids etc. to realize it all could be gone if I use. Back to darkness I go. Remember, a feeling will pass with some effort, using will lead you to new lows.

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#16

I remember these feelings so well. I believed the lie so many times. The lie that it would be different this time. For me it was never different. It got worse and worse.

Recovery isn’t the same as sobriety. Sobriety is living without alcohol. Recovery is living a life where you don’t miss it. Sobriety is the first step. In my program, there are 11 more steps that will relieve the dread of a life without booze. Steps to teach you how to sit with those feelings. To relieve the shame, and quiet the mind. There is peace in recovery if you work for it.

#17

You’ve got this :muscle:t3: just remember the other way isn’t going to be better. We’re here for the long term happiness not instant gratification that will ruin our lives all over again

#18

Hang in there Victoria, you took the word's right out of my mouth? I'm 60 days clean and I'm getting stronger, but can't help thinking about a break? But I haven't felt this good in a long time and I don't want to loose myself! Think about how blessed we are and how far you've come? I'm usually a trouble Maker but I'm trying to change? Be better for you!:rofl:

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#19

I had similar feelings when I first tried to get sober. Especially the 'how am I gonna do this forever' part.

One thing that IMMENSELY helped me, when I was fully ready to surrender to my disease, was this bit.

I don't have to be sober forever. Just for today, I choose to be sober.

Those todays add up. I'm nearing 1,000 of them and have no desire to drink, even with a job where I do some bartending.

#20

Hey Victoria, you’re definitely not alone! I’m 38 days in and have thought about a potential break but I’ve been waiting it out because, if I really ask myself, I’m alright. Not great or low but confusing boredom and looking for some kind of “thrill” but I know that’s my disease talking.

If you feel alone or don’t like what you’re feeling, I’m an open ear if you’d like to chat/call. Talking out my feelings usually helps. It’s like therapy. Message me if you’d like my number :slight_smile:

#21

I feel the same way. I drank vodka like water. I never was a beer drinker, in fact, I don’t even finish a beer very often. I won’t leave a drop of vodka though. I feel like I could drink A beer with tacos and be ok. Perhaps a alcohol free beer.

#22

Thank you for sharing this, I had forgotten about this stage of sobriety and recovery. Like someone else replied that it took him 10 months to shake this, it was about the same for me. It’s tough and it’s shitty, but ride the lightning and get through day. It will calm down eventually. Good job so far though, keep going.