My wife has been my main trigger lately and it’s

Struggling Help
#1

My wife has been my main trigger lately and it’s taken it’s toll this week. I’m the closest I’ve been to relapsing in the 500+ days I’ve accumulated this time around. Today she demanded I make commitments to being a better husband and get back on track. All of the things she laid out for me to commit to directly involve her, yet she blatantly refuses to accept the fact that she isn’t helping me, but hindering me. I’ve told her flat out so there was no confusion that she is triggering and makes me want to use. She told me how I react to her is solely on me. She openly told me my mental health didn’t matter until I’d fulfilled my husbandly duties.

I know she has to know that how she is acting is wrong. She was a counselor. She has a bachelors in psychology. Having these degrees has her thinking I can’t tell her anything because “I didn’t spend years in school learning like she did.” Is there any hope for getting her to take some accountability and changing? I don’t want to leave her. She stuck with me through a relapse and going back to prison. We have an almost three year old son who is my world.

Any advice would be great. I’m at a total loss.

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#2

Are you in a 12 step program by any chance ?

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#3

Tough to give advice since im nit in your shoes she seems to be too demanding

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#4

Well with all her schooling she must know what she’s doing to you. Right ? Ask her if she knows ?

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#5

She’s not wrong. How we chose to react to people, places, and things is our responsibility.

Read page 417 of the Big Book.

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#6

I have. She said “The way you handle what I do and say is not my problem.” Which, yeah, I understand it is to a degree. But at some point she has to take accountability for her actions. Right?

#7

I totally understand that. But when she repeatedly does the things I tell her are hurting me, is it no longer my problem?

#8

I’m not.

#9

Unfortunately,relationships are complicated. No way I can know what is best on that front. I do know that how we deal with life’s problems (serious or trivial) matters. I used to deal with challenges by drowning them only to wake up feeling horrible physically and emotionally with the same problem staring me in the face. Booze and drugs simply aren’t the answer. It sounds stupid, but get to a ton of meetings and HONESTLY work the steps. You are absolutely useless to your son loaded. You can do it.

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#10

Well I don’t believe anyone deserves to be mentally abused. Sorry but I would care about my sobriety most. I personally would make other living arrangements.

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#11

It will be hard but not staying for abuse Anywhere!!!

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#12

Plus, I would question her love for me. If she knows what she’s doing, why would she be trying to hurt me?

#13

You have your hands full in recovery you don’t need to be mentally poked

#14

What I suggest is going to 12 step program for your addiction and then Alanon. You need to learn how to detach from her and your thinking! It's a insidious dis-ease and it takes time to recover so put the bat down and move forward in your recovery!

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#15

I am so sorry to read you are struggling, Alex. It might be helpful to request the conversations be tabled for the present moment. You deserve to be, and your son needs and deserves to have, a sober and healthy Dad and, speaking from my own experiences and relapses, you never know what will happen during a relapse and whether you make it back to the other side again. I had and HAVE to remember that anything I put in front of my sobriety I will lose anyway if I pick up (even the relationship with my son I cherish). Talk to others in recovery - like you are doing now - and take a break from talking about your relationship. Focus on you and your sobriety. 500 days is so amazing and you can keep going! Sending you support.

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#16

Thank you, thank you so much.

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#17

That’s a really tough spot. In my experience, my wife doesn’t/didn’t truly understand substance addiction. I quit drinking to save my marriage. For me even the idea of a divorce was a no go. I poured so much of my self in to trying to make her happy. I failed miserably. She left right after I made a year sober. I was so close to relapsing. I leaned on others that knew what I was going through. After 2 months a fog lifted and I could see more clearly. The thing I was trying to save was the same thing making me miserable and I couldn’t see it. As for the counseling degree. I went to college with the sole intention of becoming a substance abuse counselor and I still relapsed. A psychology degree doesn’t help you understand an addict/alcoholic that comes with experience. The best counselor I know doesn’t have an office or degree but he has 25 years sober and experience working with others. That’s my experience, hope it helps. Stay strong man.

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#18

Perhaps you can suggest marriage counseling.

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#19

Totally agree with the last two comments. Is your wife going to Al Anon?

I would look for a marriage counselor that specializes in addictions.

Congrats on 500 days! Don't let your wife's nagging get in the way of your sobriety.

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#20

Am so sorry to hear that. She shouldn't be the way she is towards you. And the irony of ger been a counselor in psychology, she knows what she's doing to you. Just keep your head up and tell her straight forward what she is doing is not right.