The only thing we can control is our own actions and reactions.
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Stay strong give to your High power. Don’t react to her BS walk away. The only person that has that kind of power is your self.
Just keep reevaluating your reason to stay clean and stay clean. Be a good person and that’s all you can do. The rest isn’t in your hands.
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Same boat here brother- wife is my biggest trigger and now that I’ve really started to stay present and really pay attention I don’t think we have any real connection. If it weren’t for the kids I’d be gone & that’s not a fun place to be.
Stay strong bro your sobriety is #1
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Just control you. Maybe she needs Al-Anon meetings. I wouldn’t let her ruined your sobriety. It will just make your situation so much worse. Hang tight and get to a meeting call someone. Our families sometimes are our biggest problems. They hate when your in your addiction but then hate when you when your working on getting better. 
From the other side of the fence & after years of education & degrees, and currently working in the medical field of psychiatry & addictive diseases, I offer you this.
Allow everyone to be sick- they are even if it is not outwardly apparent. Addiction is a family disease.
Co-dependents, though intellectually they want their significant others to be sober, are (at least initially) out of control when their partner is not only dry (physically without a mind altering substance), but has a sober mind. Why?
It is uncomfortable, unexpected & requires looking inward, personal growth, & change for the co-dependent. What inadequacies existed in the co-dependent that attracted them to an addict? The sober mind of the addict creates internal conflict for the co-dependent. Thus, a fear of looking at oneself to change, may prompt a co-dependent to keep looking at how the addict can change to make them feel better. This is not un-similar to the behavior of a practicing addict willing to blame their behaviors & reasons for substance abuse on the co-dependent. If they loved the addict enough, spent more time with, worked less, provided more sxx (un-allowed word) made them feel needed, etc. the addict would not have to turn to a substance for comfort.
You cannot help your significant other address the underlying hurts or misunderstandings from the past that played a role in their personal or relational development. You are the least likely person on earth, just as your partner was likely the last person on earth you could really hear & acknowledge any truth in their words. All of the above is the ‘norm’. Just like getting rid of your substances did not get you sober, buying them self help books that highlight the problem will not get your partner sober.
You can individually & collectively begin relationship counseling with a proven counselor. The amount of education one has does not cure emotions. Contrary to popular belief, Knowledge is not always power or powerful. For instance, there are many people that get degrees in theology & go on to pastor churches. Their knowledge about the Bible & God is vast. They are aware of the laws of the land. Yet, all of that knowledge does not cure their sexual addictions; does not prevent them from adopting a destructive course for themselves & their families. Why?
Allow your partner to be sick. You can be very sorry your partner feels the way they feel. It does not mean you should start jumping through hoops or walking on eggshells- that will only perpetuate the disease. Discern for yourself. Honestly look at what your partner says. Evaluate your actions, thoughts, behaviors, & heart against the complaints. Only strive to make corrections to yourself that will make you a better person for everyone and improve your self acceptance. A successful relationship consists of 2 individually complete persons that together complement the other creating a strong unit.
None of us are puzzles looking for our missing piece. If a piece is missing, it lies within the individual. No other person on earth can fill the hole or complete another person’s puzzle. That is a job for God & the individual looking outside of themselves to feel ok, to be ok, to be complete.
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Sit and talk to her show her that
If she cares she will look read and listen
If not
Bye.
If it was me . Despite how she used to act and things she used to do yes there is built loyalty.
But if you don’t respect the here and now
And our relationship is becoming a problem for me
One relapse and that relationship is gone
Anyway…
She has her rights
But she should know what comes with being with an addict
Gotta respect one another on a basic level
And if that alone is an issue , let’s face the facts and talk it out, person to person ?
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Have you considered going to couples counseling?
We’ve been to five different ones in the last three years.
When you relapse…it becomes more hopeless to get sober. I had 13 yrs..relapsed for 9 mos. I was glad I did ..at first. Beer. Then quickly Fireball. it was higher octane I found in creamy fruity drinks. Alcohol is alcohol. Anyway, I’m on Day 8..been here before..don’t drink..then she can blame you..’look at him. I’m justified’. Try not to give into it.. it is not yours or my friend.
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Sometimes family is more comfortable with you drinking. I believe my family is…parents sibling and ex husband. They don’t have to do the work I’ve done for one because they aren’t alcoholic. Alanon would tend to disagree with that attitude but I can only change myself. I had to get divorced or I would have been stuck in a dysfunctional marriage and likely continued to drink. It’s called co dependency. People get comfortable in their roles. Hate to say it but what has been said behind your back? My family has lied just to make themselves look good. Finally I had to sever ties with my sister and limit time with my elderly parents. You are not fully to blame. Nobody is perfect. Take responsibility for your side of the street by doing 12 step work. Save yourself first cause otherwise nothing is going to work. Just my experience. Everyone around you is sick as well. Blame serves no one in recovery. Go to meetings and share what is happening. Remember what’s said should stay in the meeting.
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Really curious who’s decision it was to stop going to therapy? There’s many people who drink that have npd or aspd. With the help of aa you can learn to not drink and have a healthy life but probably means a lifetime of getting those reminders about having respect for others. Just a thought.
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To answer your question about who’s idea it was to quit therapy; one was my choice. I was actively using and resistant because I wasn’t ready to quit yet. Two were her choice. One counselor had to drop our case due to a conflict of interest. And we quit our last one because I overdosed twice in a week. She moved us across the country in a desperate last attempt to get me sober before I killed my self.
Try smart recovery
Never know how she feels too..
After sitting and re reading …
How is she? Is she going through anything that could stress her?
Even asking. Like the gesture itself works
I know what she has helped you go through hurt her….
We do that sh**
Dog she loves you
She has the right to be mad
And if that’s how she vented to yku … it’s a sign to sit and talk when. She’s cool and you are too
I lost mine … by not being honest like two months ago.
It hurts so bad to have built a life and walk or throw it away
I have been given the best opportunity I could have ever received
A chance to redeem myself and work in a field I love.
Only a f****** higher power or whatever ( inhave to admit that )
Was there. A minute to soon, or late would have changed my purpose now.
So idk I feel like honesty is key
Wish you the best
Ima be quiet
Wow well relocating doesn’t usually work. The only thing that ever worked for me was going to meetings and doing the work honestly. I couldn’t even get 2 days in without going to a 28 day rehab. My life was a mess and relationships were toxic. I couldn’t see anything clearly using and for a long time afterwards. I can still struggle with seeing things from other’s perspective. Honestly I suggest you both try meetings aa and Alanon. Aa has the 12 steps which really help you clear the wreckage and so does Alanon. You are not weak and not entirely at fault but blaming get you nowhere. The book of aa chapters to the wives and the family afterwards, although written in a different time, still hold some truth about where your wife and family are coming from. I hope you are doing okay. I went to 5 meetings a week for a long time like years.
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Not a fan. It has a attitude of you can control your drinking of using of continue to use some mind altering substances. Idk their success rate but it’s probably not clear because nothing can be measured.
Stay strong!!! And pray and ask god to continue to give you strength!!
Period!!!