Newly sober. Questioning whether I’m really an alcoholic. I don’t enjoy one or two drinks, I need more in order to relax. I like feeling drunk but I tend to do destructive things when I am. I actually rarely drink. I try to be a “social drinker” but eventually I take it too far. I’ve ruined relationships because of my drinking. Maybe I really do belong here. I think I just need to accept it.
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Sounds like alcoholism, I’ve done everything you listed there…thought I could control it but always spirals. AA Is a good starting point
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Me too.
Join the club. It's not the end of the world to admit but could be the beginning. AA and this site helps.
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This is the exact reason I just downloaded this app. Idk what advice to keep, but you’re the not only one in this 
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We all think we’re social drinker I was a social drinker. I drank with everybody that would socialize with me that had alcohol. That’s what my social drinking was.  but anyway I have a few years sober now and it’s great. My social drinking now is water and Pepsi with zero sugar. I’ve ruined many relationships because of my drinking as well. But I learned how do I accept that because I now have different friends. The friends I have now are sober friends and friends I don’t drink. But it gets better as it goes. You did come to the right place. Because we’re all family here and we help one another When needed. So keep doing what you’re doing and ask for help that’s what we’re here for
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Sounds like Step#1 to me. Jus' saying
In a lot of ways, for me, it doesn’t really matter if I am . It matters whether I feel good about myself and what I do—drunk or not—at the end of the day. You are welcome here no matter what words do or don’t fit you.
Your health matters. YOU matter. I know that’s easy to say from the outside, and I don’t mean to sound facile. I was lucky enough to find a group of people on this app and in meetings who are helping me see I might have value. Sobriety can suck. It can also be more joyous than any drunk/high/whatever than I ever had.
Hang in there. Take care of yourself. You DO deserve it
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More in order to relax is how
I’ve rationalized it. “If it makes me feel good/relaxed, that’s good right?” What I told myself and it’s really not been a small amount to “be relaxed.” You’re being honest that you’ve taken it too far, that’s awesome! You owe it to yourself to do that! I’ve seen lots of things get better by being sober. Sometimes slowly…but they do get better
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Yet he got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is his story: "I came to work on Tuesday morning. I remember I felt irritated that I had to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. I had a few words with the boss, but nothing serious. Then I decided to drive into the country and see one of my prospects for a car. On the way I felt hungry so I stopped at a roadside place where they have a bar. I had no intention of drinking. I just thought I would get a sandwich. I also had the notion that I might find a customer for a car at this place, which was familiar for I had been going to it for years. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. I sat down at a table and ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and decided to have another glass of milk.
"Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach. I ordered a whiskey and poured it into the milk. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart, but felt reassured as I was taking the whiskey on a full stomach. The experiment went so well that I ordered another whiskey and poured it into more milk. That didn't seem to bother me so I tried another."
Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim. Here was the threat of commitment, the loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. He had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. Yet all reasons for not drinking were
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easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if only he mixed it with milk!
Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion, of the ability to think straight, be called anything else?
You may think this an extreme case. To us it is not far-fetched, for this kind of thinking has been characteristic of every single one of us. We have sometimes reflected more than Jim did upon the consequences. But there was always the curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. Next day we would ask ourselves, in all earnestness and sincerity, how it could have happened.
In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation of what the terrific consequences might be.
Our behavior is as absurd and incomprehensible with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion, say, for jay-walking. He gets a thrill out of skipping in front of fast-moving vehicles. He enjoys himself for a few years in spite of friendly warnings. Up to this point you would label him as a foolish
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chap having queer ideas of fun. Luck then deserts him and he is slightly injured several times in succession. You would expect him, if he were normal, to cut it out. Presently he is hit again and this time has a fractured skull. Within a week after leaving the hospital a fast-moving trolley car breaks his arm. He tells you he has decided to stop jay-walking for good, but in a few weeks he breaks both legs.
On through the years this conduct continues, accompanied by his continual promises to be careful or to keep off the streets altogether. Finally, he can no longer work, his wife gets a divorce and he is held up to ridicule. He tries every known means to get the jay-walking idea out of his head. He shuts himself up in an asylum, hoping to mend his ways. But the day he comes out he races in front of a fire engine, which breaks his back. Such a man would be crazy, wouldn't he?
You may think our illustration is too ridiculous. But is it? We, who have been through the wringer, have to admit if we substituted alcoholism for jay-walking, the illustration would fit us exactly. However intelligent we may have been in other respects, where alcohol has been involved, we have been strangely insane. It's strong language - but isn't it true?
Some of you are thinking: "Yes, what you tell us is true, but it doesn't fully apply. We admit we have some of these symptoms, but we have not gone to the extremes you fellows did, nor are we likely to, for we understand ourselves so well after what you have told us that such things cannot happen again. We have not lost everything in life through drinking and
Erin, welcome to sobriety. I too do exactly what you described. I’m an alcoholic. My problem isn’t drinking it’s my thinking. Alcohol was a solution to my problem. However I’m also allergic to alcohol. I breakout of myself and destroy all the good things in my life. Oh, and when left to my own willpower I have no control. I needed to find a higher power that could restore me back to sanity. I’m very grateful for AA, Kaiser clinicians and my higher power for giving me another chance at life.
This journey you’re about to embark is unique to you and you only. You can share your experience, strength and hope to other alcoholics who still suffer or you choose whatever’s best for you. I’d recommend going to meetings, getting a sponsor who will walk you through the steps of AA quickly and through, read the big book. Learn about alcoholism and addiction. Mental health as well. It’s all connected. We are all connected. Stay sober my friend
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this sounds exactly like i used to be. no one ever told me no. everyone around me encouraged me in fact. it wasn’t in public that i had my issues, it was at home. isolated. alone. dying inside from loneliness, anxiety and depression. only after i quit for real did i finally see it was the alcohol robbing me of my life, not saving it. the word alcoholic (to me) doesn’t mean anything. i look at the pain and destruction that alcohol has caused in this world and in my life personally. i sincerely hope that you find some clarity and an answer to you question. i’m sure i’m not the only one who can tell you this, but life can be magnificent if you want it to be. step 1, stop killing your mind and body with alcohol even “once in a while.” as they say about that particular drug - “alcohol is perfectly predictable in that it is completely unpredictable.” is it worth rolling the dice? institution, prison or death. sorry for the strong-worded soap box speech. i feel very passionate about this and i’m truly wishing for happiness in the world 
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Zach - this is so powerful. thank you for sharing. your post has made me decide to pick up the book. i didn’t think i needed it, but in all honesty, i could see myself falling into this exact pit. the more days that go by, the more my mind starts coming up with reasons i can and should drink if i so choose to. i’ve been able to easily fight it off, but the enemy can quietly and slowly gain ground. never let our guard down once we have escaped. jeez what a reality check. so much respect to you for posting this. thank you.
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So happy this resonated with you so deeply Luke! The book is a powerful weapon and addiction is a war. Theres an old proverb that I try to exercise in my sobriety.
It is better to be a warrior in a garden, then it is to be a gardener in a war.
Stay strong ! Stay sober!
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Was I an alcoholic in that my body developed a dependency? No. I abused I thoroughly and dealt with consequences though.
I can definitely relate. I was the same way. One thing I was told that helped me realize I had issues (other than the obvious) was "people that aren't daily drinkers often find it hard to admit they have a problem, because in there mind they aren't the classic alcoholic. They often find it harder to obtain from alcohol even though it could be more dangerous. You're a binge drinker." Take that for what it is but it helped me to stop making excuses for my bad decisions and helped me on the track of moving forward. Im still a work in progress and I know there will be setbacks here and there but I choose to pick myself up and continue to move towards a completely sober life. Best of luck!
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Sounds like you need to check out some meetings. They will help you figure it out.
Yep it’s time to put some strategies in place to move into sobriety. It’s not a death sentence. Drinking can be.
Thank you
It’s something you should be able to answer but question the rest of your life. I don’t drink anymore based on my history and success in sobriety. Would a sip of beer kill me? No, but that is a road a choose not to take daily.