Please, no AA terminology

Struggling Help
#1

If AA works for you, that’s fantastic. I don’t want to disparage anyone’s method of recovery if it works for them. But it doesn’t work for me, so please don’t tell me to “get my (expletive) to a meeting.”

That being said.

I was sober for three years before my wife left me, and I’ve been on and off the wagon ever since. I never loved the idea that this was something that was wrong with ME. I subscribe to Annie Grace’s theories that alcohol isn’t good for anyone.

That being said.

I was dry for a while before the pandemic and then with nothing to look forward to I got back in the booze. I was living by myself at the time and was planning on sobering up by the time I moved in with my new girlfriend.

We’ve been together for six years. We’ve been living together for about three.

She confronted me because after three years I slipped up and left an empty can of malt liquor in the recycling. I pretended that it was a one-time slip-up. It wasn’t.

She doesn’t care whether or not I’m sober but says that the important thing is that I’m honest with her. At this point I think I’m in too deep to tell her that I’ve been hiding this for three years.

I want to stop because this is expensive and poisonous. And I don’t want to be a liar.

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#2

I feel so ashamed of myself. The terror of facing the shame outweighs my desire to be honest with someone I love.

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#3

For me...drinking and lying go hand in hand...if I'm 100% honest with myself there's no way I'd drink poison! For me...lies poison any relationship. For me...without trust their is no relationship. We are all different and have to find our own path...even if I don't completely agree with a different point of view I can often learn something. Take the good and leave the rest.

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#4

Hi, Dan.

I am not going to tell you to go to a meeting ( I have nothing against AA…it is simply that other resources have helped me more than AA meetings have ).

I wanted to respond so it’s not like crickets chirping.

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#5

Ah!
I had yet to see / read Sonia’s comment-I was typing…solid insights!

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#6

So why doesn’t aa work for you?

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#7

I know for me personally I had to stop lying to myself first and foremost. For awhile I was justifying my drinking and then the work and isolation of covid sent me into straight out alcohol abuse. Once I was able to tell myself I had a problem and needed to change I've been able to work on myself. So I would think being honest to yourself first and then your girlfriend would be a good idea. It's going to hurt either way and be even worse the longer you don't take ownership of your actions. Keep your head up admit your problems, set a goal, and go out and work on that goal.

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#8

I went to rehab in 2015, sober ever since. No AA. You can do it.

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#9

I agree about the AA I tried it and it wasn’t for me, but until your totally honest with yourself about your addiction you are never going to find peace with yourself lying is not the answer I wish you all the best :heart:

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#10

Stop trying to do it alone.

Also, and this goes for anyone reading this, if AA isn't your thing, please state why. That would be helpful to people trying to be helpful to you.

That being said, get your a$$ to a meeting, any meeting anywhere regardless of program, of other people trying to stay sober. Stop relying on yourself, or prayer or whatwver else that hasn't been working and get in where you fit in.

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#11

I think being honest with yourself and your partner is extremely important so there are no secrets. She said honesty is
important to her, so I would come clean. I'm guessing she already knows you are not sober. I think Accountability is important as well and for some this forum is what they need. Everyone is different...as long as you are sober, do what works for you.

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#12

Dan you may need to seek outside help and there is no shame in that. If AA isn't your thing, maybe you could look in to SMART recovery. It is far more science based than AA and works closer with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). You can do it online and most the time it is like a class with a start and an end. I have friends that stand by it.

The number #1 thing for recovery to really work is to change your life. Whatever that means or looks like for you.

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#13

Another thing to look in to is home breathalyzers. You can find ones that you use multiple times daily and it sends the info to a page that is accessible by you and anyone that you allow. It can be a good way to hold yourself accountable while also building the confidence you need to overcome the addiction.

Bottom line dude you are reaching out which means you are ready to commit to a better cleaner way of living. Proud of you already!

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#14

:clap:t3::clap:t3::clap:t3: this :point_up:t3:

#15

Honesty.
Lying to your loved one is manipulation. Lying to yourself is self sabotage. This deal isn’t a kids game. You have to be willing to lose everything to save your own life. That’s how real it is.

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#16

Thanks, everyone, for your support. A few of you asked why I’m not a fan of AA. Again, want to stress that if it works for you, I don’t want to yuck your yum. My mom’s been going to AA for years and it works for her.

One thing I don’t like about it is the focus on God. I know a lot of people find more creative ways to interpret their higher power, but most people, in my experience, use an all-knowing, all-powerful God.

Another thing is the idea that something is wrong with me and always will be wrong with me.

#17

I was the same way, wife knew I drank everyday but didn’t know how much until Covid. I don’t think it really sank in at that point. My first trip to detox she found my stash of bottle and wasn’t happy. Around 10 or so days after detox and starting IOP. I relapsed and went on a 10 day drunk. This time they were under the bed. Many small bottle. That is when she realized how bad it was. Back to detox, then to rehab, then iop. You may want look into IOP, mine was 3 hours a night, 4 days a week for 8 weeks. The second time it really help and helped me connect others. I totally agree about knocking something that works for you and not someone else. I was like that the first time I got sober when I was 21. Stay strong man. Honestly really is the best policy. My wife left2 weeks after I made a year sober. My support group from treatment and AA helped me stay sober through it. I hope you find something that works for you.

#18

Just to follow up on what Taylor said - there are more meetings out there than just AA. If you don't like one aspect, try a different group. Additionally, no two AA groups are ever the same.

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#19

I went to a AFRC mtg last night.. it was cool different from AA. There are other ways…..

#20

Dan if you think something is wrong with you, you're in the right place. Welcome to the land of broken Toys. If you've been hiding or isolating your drinking I'm sure your girlfriend has some idea? There's no shame in having a problem only if you don't do anything about it. You are at step one, admitting you have a problem, congratulations! If you keep misleading your girlfriend she may not forgive you. You don't have to hit rock bottom, you can fix this. Good luck I'm praying for you!